26 December 2006

Just A Few Updates on Boxing Day

He and I are on the road of sorting things out. No one went into this whole thing with a perfect plan anyway. No one promised that it'll be all smooth and breezy. Like a friend said, it's the spice that makes everything else tasteful, er, interesting. Heehee.

I'm not going to go into all the cliche that most people would say when you go through rough patches. It's soo tacky. Bleh. AND I'm not going to say that I won't go into a ranting spree again. I'm almost certain that I will. Muahahaha. If you've been around this blog long enough, you know, that is to be expected --- it would've been a disappointment if I won't. Hahaha.

Right now, he still around and claims to have no plans of going anywhere --- which is actually good. Or is it? Me and my eternal pessimism, eh? Oh, you'll get use to it. LOL.

I've been busy with work. Yes. I do work. A dayjob in a company that develops web apps on top of my online gig. Ha. But he has been keeping me entertained online and off. PLUS! He has been taking me out on dates, planned or not. He's real sweet despite my earlier rants.

I just celebrated my birthday --- er, yes --- I'm still twenty-something! Thank god. I still get to keep the tagline for the blog.

Which brings me to the reason why I'm writing this *update* Teehee. I just want to document what he did for me on my birthday. I actually wrote about it over at Dating Dames, so, feel free to read it there. It's something about a trip on a certain flyover. LOL.

That's it for now.


Happy Boxing Day, people!

10 December 2006

Making it simple

If you say you want to be with me --- be with me.

Don't say you're trying.

Just be with me.

"See you whenever"

Just thinking.

There are certain things about this situation that I didn't expect. Questions fill my head and am now torn between giving in or keep fighting.

What the hell for, anyway?

I don't see it. I don't see that I'm wanted enough.

It hurts when you see that person you want to be with seems unappreciative of the efforts you give just to make that happen.

It's slowly coming to a point that I really do want to stop caring.

Something about this whole thing seems not right.

Again --- I'm just thinking.

28 November 2006

This is getting too old for me...

To think I thought I was wrong and felt a ton of guilt.

He said he's not an asshole like the rest. Well --- could've fooled me. Twas a pretty crass thing what he did.

I was teaching myself to trust and there he was making it stupendously difficult for me.

Like I said, I've always been a poor judge of character.

Break my heart, why don't you.

26 November 2006

A good question

Come to think of it --- he's right.

What's the point in being in it if you think its not going to last?

20 November 2006

A sense of calm

Slowly --- everything's settling in. It's alarming, somehow.

It's terrifying in a way cuz most of it seems... new.

This feeling of being safe with someone is so new that my cynical mind wants to reject it. It scares me to the point of wanting to push him away and bolt. I must be crazy. Most women would kill to be with someone who'd make them feel secure. And, here I am, resisting. Gah.

I often find myself wondering if I'm dreaming. I've grown accustomed to feeling empty and alone then suddenly there's this person who wants to be with me. ME.

Okay. That sounds a bit pathetic but, hey, most people, if not all, have their own set of insecurities. You have to admit, there are moments wherein you wonder about the same thing.

Is it possible that I can actually bring myself to open my heart to this guy? It seems that with each day I spend with him passes, I'm finding myself warming to the idea of letting him be part of my life more and more. It's scary.

I can't help but think that it's too good to be true. And I've heard it said that if that's the case, then it usually is. What if it's true? What if I'm only setting myself to getting my heart broken again? Am I ready to risk that?

I reckon, like most people, he deserves a fair chance. From experience, it's best to give them that much. He treats me right. He makes me happy --- and that's saying a lot. And he has a certain, unexplainable way of quieting my fears down. It's surreal.

Go on --- you can tell me that I'm just being idiotic and, not to mention, paranoid about the whole thing. Tsssch.

It's funny whenever I see myself writing sappy stuff. Yech. I guess you guys have to get use to it for a bit. Heehee.

04 November 2006

Holding on and holding it in

Can you possibly expel happiness in just one breath?

He never ceases to surprise me.

Good lord --- the ripple turned into a wave!

And it feels wonderful but it also feels like I'm afraid to exhale. Utter craziness, I tell you. It's the good kind, at least.

Ack. I feel like a kid with a crush. Dear me.

02 November 2006

I can handle ripples

Ripples, I say. Just them innocent, relaxing, unintrusive ripples.

I used to be this daredevil who'd jump right in the action. Now, I'm taking baby steps, sometimes, I'd even take a step or two back. It's quite a novelty, really. It's so unlike me!

I find myself frozen in place and would refuse to move --- for fear of what would happen next. Part of me wants to leap but memories mock me, the other wants to run away but hope prods me.

He makes me feel safe and uncertain at the same time.

So, yea. I'm sticking with the ripples. For now.

I'm probably just thinking too much.

27 October 2006

It's official

.. I'm a fool. Heh.

I guess I learned firsthand how gullible I can get. It isn't something I'd want to feel again --- to be at the mercy of some form of truth.

WTF? some form of truth? It sounds like truth can have it's own de-militarised zone or Switzerland or something. Choose a side, for chrissake!

And I also hated the fact that there are people out there who can't do it for some reason. They, however, still want to be in the thick of things and will just feed your doubts and try to manage your own business. Pah.

But, hey, on a lighter note --- I'm doing alright. I'm choosing not to let those people and the things they say get to me.

I reckon I can accept the fact that I don't "get" men at all. I just have to live with it. Sigh.

And for the past day or two, I'd often catch myself smiling and laughing a little. I'm still a little hesitant about the whole thing but I'm giving it enough space it needs.

24 October 2006

The wall expert

That's the beauty of building walls. If you've done it a lot of times, you can see how futile it can be for others to scale it.

Especially when you built it specifically for that other person.

Ah, well.

A friend had counselled that I should not put a lid on things. A little tacky, I know. But, hey, it does makes sense. Never been the extremist anyway.

I'm just dropping it. For now.

Stoic.

22 October 2006

Arrggh!

This is getting sillier and sillier by the minute. Arrggh.

Why can't I just bring myself to talk to him and get it over with? It's frustrating.

Chicken.

Unhappy

So I went out with this guy.

I was utterly disappointed.

Funny that this thing happened soon after writing about getting to the second date over at Dating Dames. Gah. Judging what happened on that date, he's on the verge of becoming a non-candidate.

I guess I wasn't that special after all.

This really sucks.

I had to let these thoughts out so I can sleep. God knows I need it.

21 October 2006

Possibilities and a question

Lately, I've been sporadically thinking of the reasons why I would need someone in my life. Why do we need to have that special someone?

I've got to admit that I do have certain expectations. But I also ask myself if they're fair because I've always believed that ample opportunities sometimes lead to certain surprises. And having leveled expectations will create a more pleasant interaction.

Okay. So, I'm being pragmatic about the whole thing, is it such a bad thing?

Fine. I reckon if you give me enough space to over-analyse the situation I just might. But, on the other hand, if you're able to sweep me off my feet --- I just might ride with it.

Ah, well. I did say, might.

14 October 2006

Lost

I had wondered about how it might have felt to have my hand held. I had pictured the hug, the shared thoughts and birth of more private jokes.

It was silly to have even considered it.

I had wished I was wrong. My instinct is a trusted ally.

Unlike me --- it never is.

13 October 2006

Questions, questions, questions

If only my mind would clear long enough to allow some answers to flow out.

I'm not the type of person who couldn't provide an answer to a direct question. I can tell you what you want and need to hear at a drop of a hat. Quick-witted, they call me. But, strangely, I find myself stumped. Devoid of answers.

Who would've thought I'd find myself in this kind of predicament? Me of all people! Gah. Then again, I'm known to be a lunatic so getting into strange situations shouldn't come as a surprise, really.

If I apply the principles I've set for my life, I'm going to lose something. If I don't, I'd feel like a complete fake. I reckon this battle's lost but I'm still hoping for a way out.

I'm now feeling the repercussions of my actions. Stupid, stupid. Arrggh.

All I can think of right now is how to stay afloat or, perhaps, how to ride the wind. However, on every corner, life can present another surprise --- no matter how much I think that nothing ever will.

02 October 2006

Men are such cruel creatures.

Selfish, selfish beings.

Pah.

How can they be capable of such crass behaviour? Jerks. Insensitive humans. Ha. Humans?!

So, okay. I'm a little pissed off. This guy deserves every nasty word I'm capable of dishing out, the pompous ass. Heh.

Stay the fuck away from me, fool.

I'm shutting up now.

28 September 2006

Thoughts by the Small Window

Every morning, before I go to bed, I look out a small window. I'd listen to songs. Hell, I always listen to music and I think. Oh, I do that a lot, too.

I'd watch the cars. I'd watch the people. I'd even watch some dogs milling about. And I think.

Sometimes, I wonder if they share the same thoughts as I. And other times, I'm completely lost in my own world of endless streams of what would, could and should have beens. Translates to hope or regret, eh? A fine line separates these thoughts.

I regret. I savour. I long. But there are moments that I simply don't care.

Lovers had. Fancy scored. Dreams lost. I still find cause to hope, though. All masked by cynicism.

It's quite ridiculous, really.

27 September 2006

I've got a secret...

Teehee.

What if I decide not to tell? Gah. Real stupid, I know. Why would I be blogging about it right now if I won't? Hahahaha.

It's just a silly crush is all.

I find him cute. Ack. I've been using that word a lot lately. Hmmm. I think I said something about that a while back. Pffft. Ah, well. Going back to what I was saying... uh, where was I? Oh. I was describing him. Heehee. I find him --- talented. Really artistic. Intelligent.

Then again --- what do I know? I mean, really?

I hardly know him.

It's just a crush. No biggie. Teehee.

24 September 2006

Can you handle the truth?

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it." --- Flannery O'Connor


Sometimes, people think it to be subjective.

Or labour on bending it to fit their agenda.

Wake up, mate.

Cynicism simply isn't enough to erase its authenticity. It just shows you can't handle it. I can only suggest that you just try to learn how to be a better man. It's an immovable force, you see.

That's the beauty of truth. It's solid and firm. It's the foundation of principles. It can set you free. It won't always be pretty but, at least, it's real.

23 September 2006

Give me kisses any day.

I've been thinking about kisses lately.

I love the kind that leaves you breathless and wanting --- the kind that makes your knees buckle. Teehee. But I also love the sweet, light ones that's so comforting, it makes you want to giggle. Heeheehee.

Oh, the bittersweet sensation that comes from the memory of a first kiss. I say, bittersweet, cuz it probably means that I'm no longer with the guy. Hahaha. But the first kiss is always lovely. I admit that it can be stressful during the minutes as you anticipate it happening but as soon as it does, it's such a delight.

Who would've thought that our lips were created to bring us this much satisfaction?

Amazing. Wonderful.

How I miss it terribly.

/sighs

22 September 2006

Every Little Thing

It's one of them days when I'm lost in them songs. Lately, it's been this Dishwalla song that keeps playing in my head over and over. Perhaps it's due to the fact that it's in my current playlist aptly called autumnsky.



Every Little Thing by Dishwalla

18 September 2006

Am I Hiding?

Coffee makes my world go *pooof*
Well --- am I?

Fine. What if I am?

[Someone's gloating right now. Pffft. Go be a shrink then, why don't you?!]

Detaching. Detaching. Detach, dammit!

I can be so stubborn sometimes. Sometimes?! OKAY. Most of the time. Tsssch.

I can be such an idiot about certain things. I really should learn how to learn from mistakes. Uh, maybe --- I'm really dumb after all.

Oh, how I love photography.

Hahaha.

17 September 2006

Detrimental Parade of Memories

Seeing..
... a red car.
... that yellow smiling face icon.
... an empty mailbox.
... a certain French dictionary.
... the Pride & Prejudice film.
... a bug.
... a Cityland condominium.
... peach roses --- a single white carnation.
... the words "San Diego, California".

Listening to a certain song of..
... Dave Matthews.
... Powderfinger.
... Switchfoot.
... Damien Rice.
... Tuck & Patty.
... James Blunt.

Sleeping has even become unpleasant.

Darnit.

14 September 2006

Days, Hours, Minutes

What is a minute compared to an hour?

Multiply it by 60.

What is an hour compared to a day?

Multiply it by 24.

In a year, there are 365 days. Or 8,760 hours. Or 525,600 minutes.

How we put so much weight on something as intangible as time is really quite laughable.

Waiting is the hardest part. All the thinking and the wishing and the hoping.

But when the waiting stops, we soon realise how insignificant it was.

A thousand sighs wasted.

06 September 2006

On platonic relationships with guys

I'm baffled.

Why is it that there are people out there who simply cannot accept the possibility that you can be "just friends" with a guy. Is the myth "men and women cannot be true friends" true?

These people will prod, phish, and pester you into *admitting* that there's romance between you and your guy friend. Pffft. Frankly, I'm getting tired of the questions, really.

Does it automatically mean romance if I enjoy some guy's company? Or is it even right to assume that I'm sleeping with him? It's bloody ridiculous!

I really don't get it.

28 August 2006

Believing Faerie Tales

Most women believe in faerie tale endings.

It's quite tragic really. You go through life believing that you are this lady that quietly lives her life and 'prince charming' will come gallantly one day to sweep you off your feet and rescue you from the gray-ness of life. You think that when he enters your life, you'll be seeing a much colourful life. The sun will shine brighter and the air will taste sweeter. And you'll think everything's... cute.

And then you grow up.

You'll finally see life for what it really is. All you can tell yourself is live it the best you can and deal.

It's either you sink --- or swim. It's entirely up to you. You now know that no one will come to 'rescue' you.

I say blame it on the romanticism presented in films and books. Writers portray love as some magical thing that can end your misery and make you believe that it will complete you. Perhaps it will and perhaps it won't. But it always comes at a price.

Here's what I think, your life is orchestrated to take away as much as it can from you. You'll be forced to think about what you now don't have, hence, you begin to long for such things. You'll spend the rest of your life searching for it since you believe that you're incomplete.

You can get lucky and find someone to complete you. Or if things don't go your way, you'd end up settling for a filler. And it doesn't end there. You now have to 'relate' --- that's a whole lot complicated than being on your own.

Why do love and relationship play an important role in our life? Is it a real need? In order to survive, all we need is food, water and shelter. Why do we concern ourselves with things apart from these 3 things anyway? Why are we built to 'need' companionship? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I just think that people should stop sugar-coating this area in life. People should start thinking that, sometimes, there's nothing poetic about it at all. There's no sonnet or song that can best define what a person goes through in search of it. It doesn't compare to the world's real problems like war, poverty and hunger. Present the facts. Stop using metaphors and hyperboles.

Just tell the friggin' story.

People should see it as it is --- a good story or a bad story. But it's still just a story with an ending --- happily ever after or not.

[No, I'm not having a bad day. Hahaha.]

26 August 2006

Something I had to say

It's over.

It's done.

I think it's best forgotten.

I just want you to know that I truly understood what you said after reading it, like, a gazillion times on the days that followed. I had to make sure I was reading it in the manner of how I know you wrote it.

I cried a little after reading it the first time. I was a bit distraught for a few minutes that's why I couldn't say anything at first. I knew I had to make a decision because you had left it up to me. I reckon I did but I can't fully say that I have, indeed, made it.

I need time to think and weigh things.

"...carry on how we were..." you suggested.

First thought that came to mind was I want to. I like knowing you. Do I still want to? I do. Just to show you that I can be a good sport about it and that I genuinely like talking to you. You said I can still do that. I can, can't I?

However, what I'm afraid of is not getting over the feeling. With the idea of continuing to talk to you, I had to ask myself, "what if you fall for him and he doesn't?" I know I will get hurt. There will come a time when you'll meet that amazing girl and I'll find out --- I'm scared that I'll get hurt all over again.

Friends. Can I really continue on being friends with someone whom I have developed affections to? Will I, the bearer of the affection, have a healthy psychological and emotional disposition? Right now, I still don't have an answer.

I'm not entirely certain of what I should do next.

Tools of survival are now alert and are screaming at me --- "RUN! PROTECT YOURSELF! Build the walls of hatred. Focus on the negative things and just be thankful that you didn't get caught in the web so late in the game. Start believing that he's no good, not deserving, not worth all the thought and emotion."

But that's a bit unfair to you, right?

Why did I put myself out there in the first place? I think part of it was because I thought you already liked me. Silly me. I had read the signals wrong. I had put more meaning to your words than I ought. You were simply flirting and teasing and you never meant to lead me on. You were just being friendly, simple as that. So, you need not apologise. It was my fault. I'm just too damn gullible --- and foolish, too. But it was certainly nice that you did, though, so, thanks.

Anyone who would have felt less may be able to jump back in and pick up where we left off but, sadly, I realised I'm not that person. As much as I want to talk to you, I know I'll be too embarrassed to initiate it because I'll be plagued with insecurities.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you don't hear from me, it's not because I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Because I do. Really. I just need time to organise my thoughts and keep my emotions in check. I don't know how long it will take. It can be a few days or weeks but, rest assured, I'll come around.

We will carry on how we were. I promise.

23 August 2006

Lucid Introspection

It's so hard to unlearn the things that your past has taught you.

Perhaps I'm just looking at it the wrong way. Focusing my thoughts on the wrong thing. Looking for the exact same thing every time. That's probably why I always end up telling myself, "Hey, I think I've passed this way before."

Did I make sense?

Alright. I'll try to be a little less vague.

I'm not the type who sees life at just one angle. I try to keep myself open to possibilities. I've taught myself to apply empathy and apathy, accordingly. I consider myself logical and sensible. But, of course, I am still a woman, after all. We are emotional creatures. However, my head often rules over my heart --- most of the time.

If I'm going to enumerate all the emotional highs and lows in my past and, I guess, present, you'll probably react the same way as my friends do --- you'd also probably say, "God, Sash, you went through all that? How can you manage to stay so cheerful?"

Eh.

You weren't really expecting an answer, right? Teehee.

Anyway, if we are to take into account the past, I've endeavoured to learn as much as I can from it so I'd stay afloat. I've become self-sufficient. And I'm no quitter. There's this unquenchable desire to see through to completion this life that was given to me. But I do have my weak moments.

But there's still much to be learnt and experienced to make it richer and fuller. Thus, going back to my original statement about unlearning things. Because it has come to my attention that there are things about me that hinder further learning --- and fully experiencing what else is out there that's meant for me, hence, the need to unlearn.

How can you not retreat into a shell so you can protect yourself from getting hurt? How can you possibly let go of the things you do to protect yourself? How can you get rid of the fear of letting any man get close to you? How can you stop hiding behind the facade and walls you have built?

Trust.

There's an easy answer. Hahaha.

It's unfortunate that my heart got broken the way it did that many years ago. It's sad that I had to learn the hard way, which, of course, clearly affects how I conduct myself in situations that requires trust.

It's quite funny really. It's been 6 years and so much has happened but it's only now that I'm beginning to realise that that broken heart hasn't healed entirely. I've been piecing them back together since that time but, along the way, something always distracts me from fully accomplishing the task. It's not that I'm not over him, it's something bigger than and everything else but him.

It's just that right now I feel the changing of the tides so implicitly that I can't mistake it for anything else. It's a bit unsettling. Alright --- a lot unsettling. Because it's like I'm in the way of some immovable force. It's either I get out of its way or wait for it to hit me and just let it carry me to god knows where.

All the pre-conceived notions and other theories that I hold on to are being questioned. My stubbornness and arrogance is proving to be too taxing and insignificant tools to hold down the fort. Truth be told, it even speeds up the destruction of everything I've built. It feels like I'm being catapulted into the great unknown unarmed --- vulnerable.

I've always feared uncertainty.

21 August 2006

At Wit's End

This guy just doesn't get me. Sure, he made a few observations that hit the mark but he managed to miss "getting" a good idea of who I really am and what the fuck was going on. I desperately wanted to defend myself but decided not to. I just thought that it's pointless to expend my energy on it when I have this feeling that he's pretty darn pleased with himself for having pegged me. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a jerk about it. He was actually pretty nice and honest about the whole thing.

300% my ass. Heh. To be clear, he said that I beat around the bush and I read too much into everything.

On beating around the bush.

Isn't it normal for a girl to be less-candid when vulnerable? I was just being careful not to let him know how I feel, more than he already does anyway, especially since he has responded indifferently when he found out. And I'm trying to tip-toe around him because I don't want him to feel threatened.


On assuming too much.

How much is too much? I thought the reason behind questions, leading or not, are to find answers to either defy or validate an outstanding theory. Plus, during the instances that I have indeed "assumed", these assumptions were based on words [text] and general treatment received from the person.


Hmmm. I can't help but wonder what the hell we're doing then. Getting to know each other as friends? Hahaha. Now, that's a bit ironically funny, don't you think? [note the sarcasm]

This guy knows that I like him. He knows I wanted him to like me, too. And I'm left in the dark as to how he feels about me. All I know is he likes talking to me. Nice.

Do you see the kind of predicament I'm in? How would you feel if you were in my shoes?

I desperately wanted to understand. I want to continue on getting to know him. But he's not actually making it easy for me. To be frank, I'm scared to write these thoughts down right now cuz it may put a nail on my coffin. I wouldn't want him mad at me since I like him. So, here I am, choosing my words carefully. Heh.

Why do I even bother? Oh, yea --- because I like him. I really do. But it doesn't really matter now, does it?

I should just forget about him because he doesn't care about me and he actually said something that can be easily translated to, "No, Sasha. I'm really NOT interested in you, in fact, I'm letting you know that I'm still looking for her." It wasn't like he was being straight-forward about it, right? Well, anyway... Can you guess how I took it? Well, with just enough class [if any at all] that I can muster. Hell, it hurt a lot but what else can I do?

Ah, well. I guess I've dug my own grave. There are good risks and there are bad risks. Unfortunately, this bad one just happen to have costed a piece of my heart.

/sighs

19 August 2006

Rip my heart out, why don't you?

It's like icing on the cake.

/dripping with sarcasm

Fine. It's like salt on a wound. Heh.

Picture the scene in the movie, Nottinghill, Julia Roberts' character was talking to Hugh Grant's character, saying the line, "After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Only, take away the glamour and hollywood-ish theme of the situation, hence, leaving a rather dull image. Still. I think you get the idea.

/sighs

Twas a difficult thing, what I did. Yes. It felt like my heart was getting ripped out of its place. I had to hold my breath several times to control my emotions because... it hurt like hell.

I'm a good sport, though.

Yea, that's me.

A sport.

16 August 2006

5 Easy Steps to Snag A Date With Me

Well, of course, this is only for interested parties.

Step 1: Read the Job Description. If you find that you have the qualities that will best suit the position, proceed to the next step.

Step 2: Double check. I just want to know if you know what you're getting into.

Step 3: Make sure you read the fine print. That's the last warning.

Step 4: Fill out an application form. The Boyfriend Application that I got from Six Guns Blazing. Cool, eh? Feel free to attach a recent flattering photo. Uh --- well, it is nice to put a face behind the words me thinks.

Step 5: Finally, you can now send the completely filled out form and perhaps a short cover letter and the photo file to my email.

Now, these are pretty simple instructions, innit? Just so you know, it's a lighthearted list for Darren's group writing project. Hahaha.

12 August 2006

Ecstasy

Can you hear a kiss? Taste a smile? Feel a gaze? See what's uttered?


Picture a life with mixed up senses or better --- everything so intertwined that it's this whole experience of sound, taste, sight and touch. I imagine it should be intensely fantastic.

So, can you blame me if I am in search for something like it?

I'd like to believe that finding and falling for a man with unconditional and unlimited passion is the only way to go about attaining such a state. It beats the highs of career success, joys of material things and the companies of friends or families. Tell me, is it a crime to carry such a belief?

Perhaps that's why it's a difficult endeavour to find a man to share that kind of passion with. My soul seeks the contentment of being with a kindred spirit --- an absolute union of mind, body and soul.

I hold on to this hope that it's not impossible to meet a man who is willing to offer that kiss, that smile, that gaze and tell me that he has, indeed, fallen deeply and passionately in love with me that I can't help but be amazed, grateful and accepting.

And that for me, my friends, is true ecstasy.

10 August 2006

I've been found wanting.

I've been kicking myself mercilessly for the past few days but I've been thinking, too. I've also been writing my heart out. Uh, not totally since you haven't heard a peep from me here.

I've got my reasons.

No, I'm not telling. Heh.

But the important thing is I'm back, right? I'm feeling quite optimistic that I'm a whole lot saner now. Hehehe.

My thinking endeavour basically revolved around these thoughts ---

Why do you regret the words you've uttered?
Is it because it is not reciprocated?
There is no shame in admitting you care for someone.
Especially if it's the truth.


I must have thought about it a thousand times just to make myself remember it --- understand it. And yea, accept it.

It baffles me when I try to understand how other people, who suffer the same fate as I, can actually move forward without changing the way they think about the whole to love and be loved thing. How can you possibly expect someone to fall for you if you don't even know how to receive it.

Yes. I said, receive.

I already know that people are aware of their capacity to love. How much they can sacrifice for that other person, how much they are able to give, yada, yada, yada. But to really ask themselves if they know how to receive the love that someone may offer, is a whole different matter.

Now, I can only laugh at the people who whinge about being single. Please. You don't have the right to complain if you know that it was a choice you made. That's just bloody stupid.

Anyhoo, this is just the ramblings of a rejected soul. Hahaha. Yea, boys. Girls do get rejected, too. [If you missed it --- I was. Pffft.] So, snap out of that "poor me" state and grow some balls. Heh.

Lastly, I really appreciated what a friend told me, "You're a diamond in the rough. Something truly precious. Any man who sees that will be lucky to have you. You'll meet him one day." Awww. Melt. But then again, he is my friend, right? Hahaha.

07 August 2006

News Bit #5

/evil grin

Nah. I changed my mind.

I wanted to put someone on the spot but like I said --- I changed my mind. Ha. See? I'm actually nice, you know. Hehehe.

Well, I just finished this series I've been doing over at Dating Dames and I just wanted to let you guys know about it. [I actually felt sad after finishing the last post yesterday! Crazy, huh?]

Anyway it's mainly for the guys but perhaps you ladies can check it, too, so you can let me know if I missed something. Hahaha.

10 Tips: Becoming A Man's Man.

Tip 1: Be Assertive
Tip 2: Get It Together
Tip 3: Have A Passionate Lifestyle
Tip 4: Be Unfazed
Tip 5: Believe In Yourself
Tip 6: Lose The Cover-Ups
Tip 7: Be A Man
Tip 8: Live The Single Life
Tip 9: Practice Carte Blanche
Tip 10: Prep Up

Well, come on --- read up! You don't know.. you just might pick up a new thing or two. Hahaha.

06 August 2006

Cynic or Prudent?

When a friend read a bit that I wrote, he told me that I was being hard on myself. Hmmm. Curious thought. Was I? So, I merely responded, perhaps.

It caused me to mull over it, though.

I don't mean to sound so negative. I guess, it's just me giving up on thinking too much. I'm beginning to realise how wrong I've been recently and no matter how much I try to think, I can't seem to make sense of things. I'm done figuring things out. Uh --- for a bit. Well, until I learn how to be more objective, that is.

All I know right now is no one can hurt me unless I let them. Cool, eh? Hehehe.

05 August 2006

Somewhere In Between

It's funny how I tend to lose myself in songs when I'm not thinking clearly. I guess that's what I'm good at --- filling my head with other things so I won't think about what I should be thinking about. Heh.

Right now, it's this song by Lifehouse.

I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cuz I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cuz by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cuz I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cuz I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream


What's the point in thinking about it, anyway? It just sucks knowing I'll fuck it up no matter what I do or say. I should just shut up.

/sighs

04 August 2006

Faux Pas

Bloody hell! I think I've gone mental.

I have this memory of doing something that's completely so not like me.

Ack.

I feel like I should bury my head under the ground just like them ostriches.

I wish I were stoned or wasted so I can blame it on that but --- I wasn't! I was completely sober! Waaaah!

OMIGOD. Please tell me I just dreamt it. omigod. omigod. omigod.

/proceeds to kick herself

03 August 2006

Stay Away From Me

Perhaps I should have that tattoed on my forehead.

I'm a nutcase.

I try to keep in mind the stuff I've been telling my friends about this whole love thing. I really think I should listen to my own advice. Arrggh.

What have I been doing that keeps messing up my lovelife --- uh, if you can ever call it that --- because it's really pissing me off. I've become a magnet. I tend to attract guys alright. But they're the type who won't commit. What is it about me that repels them so? Am I clingy? Too bloody insecure?

Puh-leez! I've been accused of being such an intimidating woman that it will never come a surprise to friends when guys can't seem to get pass looking at me.

/sighs

Frustrating. It is! I mean, I'm not that bad. But I'm well-aware that I'm not that good either. I'm, what I'd like to think, a well-balanced person, short of being insane, maybe. Hehehe.

Am I too proud? One guy told me so. He said I tend to assume a lot of things about a person. Well --- I'm open for corrections. The question is, will you be man enough to defend yourself? I mean, it's not like I came up with that conclusion without supporting arguments. I'm not narrow-minded nor am I stupid.

Another guy said that I'm arrogant, too. But what if I tell them it's just a defence mechanism? I reckon I have every right to protect myself from guys who are out to use and *aherm* abuse me. I admit. I got burnt bad. But I know what I'm worth now so I am free to expect certain things. And that's not just being picky.

Is it wrong to think that if the guy is serious with me, he won't be easily affected by all these? I'd like to think he's built strong enough to deal with the likes of me. Besides, I'm actually pretty friendly once you get to know me anyway. Though, it will take a bit of time before I can trust you. I'm a bit, uh, suspicious of people.

I have a good reason for that. And I'm no heart-breaker. That much I know for certain.

So, if you're just out for a good time or just curious about me, I'm telling you right now --- stay away from me. Not unless you're a masochist. You'll sure get hell from me. Hahaha.

The Ally McBeal Experience

For those of you who aren't familiar with the TV series, let me tell you a bit about it. She's a lawyer that suffered a lot of love problems and the story revolved around her finding love, her dating, her losing love and throw a bit of quirky thoughts played out in a comical manner. It was addictive.

I'm sure a lot of women can relate to her experiences in the whole love, dating and relationships thingie. It's frustrating when you're trapped in this never-ending beginnings and endings. It makes you think that you're still faced with the long stretch of a road and no sign of your soulmate in sight.

Do I just continue smiling now? Tell myself that better to have known about it now than later? Or perhaps ridicule myself for being a fool?

Dammit. I hate it when this happens. Shit like this fucks up my already shaky disposition. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

Gawd. I knew it. I hate it when I'm always right. I shouldn't have written about it. Heh.

02 August 2006

Inquietude & Perturbation

How should you go about getting to know someone who scare you to bits? I feel safe if I know he's smiling or laughing but once he becomes abrupt and stand-off-ish, well --- I guess I'm what you can call a cowering fool.

I know there's a solution to every problem especially when you've identified what that problem is. I'm not gonna say I haven't yet cuz I know --- well, I think I do anyway --- what it is. Fear of rejection. There you go.

I don't like it one bit and yet I still let it over-power me. It's quite ironic actually since I'm doing this series at Dating Dames that basically counsels the guys on how to be a little more attractive to women. I sure can use some of those advices myself but hey, who listens to their own advice anyway? Heh. I know. I'm only trying to rationalise my actions. Silly me.

/sighs

I like the guy. It's frustrating since I don't know if he likes me, too. He likes to make fun of me that's one thing I'm certain. And he definitely tries to push my buttons each time I talk to him. Grrr. His arrogance is both attractive and annoying! Gah.

Just between you and me, though, those minute conversations we have had for the past few weeks have stayed on my mind a bit longer than it should. I can't help it. They make me smile. And forget the shitty things that have been happening to me.

To be quite honest, I'm half afraid to write these thoughts down cuz the last time I did it, it got jinxed. Ah, well --- who am I kidding? That last one was doomed from the very beginning! Hahaha.

Anyway, I feel bad for this guy actually. I'm not the nicest person. I guess I can't blame him if I do find out that he doesn't like me after all.

Come join the pity party, people! Teeheehee.

Yea, I'm a tad bit depressed with good reason. Heh.

30 July 2006

Idiosyncrasy

I went to bed feeling really idiotic yesterday but I woke up feeling rejuvenated and bent on correcting my folly. Ha. The cynical bitch is back. Muahahaha.

I was just bored. And that's final.

And perhaps it's me prolonging the inevitable? It's my way of not thinking, is all. Yes. Not thinking. It's a conscious effort of knowing something but moving it to the far recesses of my mind. Heh.

What am I not thinking of?

Well --- I also choose not to talk about it.

Uh-huh. This is my way of not talking about it. Hehehe.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm not that bad.

28 July 2006

Broken

I cried.

I've programmed myself never to shed a tear. I vowed to never be vulnerable. I intended to be ice-cold. Especially around men like him. I failed. Miserably.

He opened an old wound. He made me remember. He's like a shadow I can't escape from unless I clothe myself with darkness.

I wanted to rid myself of baggages. And I did. But he succeeded in packing a new one for me. Heh. I want to hate him and, I mean, really hate him but I can't seem to bring myself to. I'm such an idiot.

He chips off a piece of my dignity each time I see him. It breaks my heart that he takes that one thing I consider precious, lightly. Yes. He broke my heart and he didn't even know it because except for that one night that he felt a tear in the darkness, I will only let him see me as unbreakable.

I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I?

Yea. Because I cried myself to sleep last night.

22 July 2006

I already miss him?

WHAT?!?

Gah! Tell me about it. It's friggin' crazy to feel that!

So, okay... I did say he was a bit of a prick a few days back but to update you, what we had wasn't a fight at all. Well, at least it wasn't what it looked like a day or two after. We started talking again as if *nothing* happened. Heh. Tension was noticeable on the first try but talking it out made things a lot smoother. Hehehe.

Knowing that I won't be able to talk to him for a week or so kinda' bums me out. Can you imagine how I'm dealing with this? Grab every opportunity to go out and party. Just to keep my mind off of missing him. Picturing him experiencing the open road is too cool for me to do it justice. I'm actually quite envious. I can only hope he'd stay safe and *good*. Ha.

Ahem.

What's that, Sasha? You're already marking your territory? Silly thing. He's not yours so mind your own business!


Alright-y then, you can stop talking to yourself now.

15 July 2006

Misery loves company...

I was having a great night. I just got home from a night-out with my dear friends and was looking forward to working when something shitty happened when I went online.

Quite honestly, he's just a guy that I'm only starting to get to know and I do like talking to him. He's quite a character. However, he happen to ruin a perfectly good night for me and now I can't concentrate enough to actually work. Grrr. I'm seething.

What happened, you ask? Well, this guy wasn't having a good night with valid reason. I totally understood how grave the situation was. However, he started taking his frustration out on me. I didn't want to be affected by his foul mood at first, but to insult my use of the English language? To make sarcastic comments, which were totally uncalled for? I was trying to make him feel better for crying out loud! But to make me feel as if I'm imposing on his time? Gah. Please, I've got better things to do than take all that shit. Mind you, he was the one who initiated contact and I responded because I like talking to him, not knowing that it was a bomb waiting to explode.

Oh, joy. Let's be miserable together.

Hey, you. Did you know that I come from a country that considers English as a second language? However, I happen to be considered proficient enough to profit from writing in English, we work for the same network, right?. Oh, yea --- and I am studying French, too.


And to think I started to tell my friends about this really cool guy I met online earlier this evening. Sigh. Another bubble burst. Good thing he doesn't know I like him. Heh. What are the chances of that ever blossoming now? Pffft. What a waste.

Ah, well. Like I said, a thing lost will be replaced with something way better. But in the words of one of my favourite actresses, Kate Hudson, "How can you lose someone you never had?"

Yes. Never.

07 July 2006

Confusing Time

Okay. I'm in sort of a bind... I want out but I can't seem to bring myself to sever ties, which a lot of people seem to think I should do.

What's the dilemma? I still want us [the guy and I] to be friends. Is it a crime? Well, okay --- I know it's not but to most it seems so wrong after what he did. I already raised the topic over at a certain forum to get some more insight on the matter and they basically tell me the same thing.

Honestly, the guy and I talked about this. Surprise. Surprise. He actually wanted to talk about it after cutting me off a few times before. I have to admit, he surprised me even more when I saw that he wanted to work through it and not cover it up. However, I was pissed off at first when he started on the "I can't believe you can think that of me" route. But in the end, he said he was sorry before dropping me off.

God. I'm such a sucker for these machinations. I'm so gullible. But one thing I've learned that night was that I assume too much that it's proving to be unhealthy. A product of a traumatic burn perhaps? Maybe. It's not an excuse, though.

Sigh.

I'm just so confused. Gah.

26 June 2006

Oh, I'm still here alright.

My silence tells you everything, huh? Oh, that I'm not dating at all. Hahaha.

It's all good, though, especially with what recently happened to me with the whole guy-in-your-life thingie. Let me be blunt, sweetie. It was horrible.

I saw this guy yesterday. He almost ruined a fabulous day I was having with my friends. He's the one I was referring to when I wrote about booty calls a while back. Grrr. Being reminded of seeing him makes my blood boil. Anyway, it was the second time I saw him out with a girl -- in broad daylight!

Puh-leeze! I am not jealous. Yech. My point is just that he has the audacity to call himself a "friend" but clearly all he wants from me is -- you probably guessed it -- sex. The selfish son of a bitch! [sorry.. I just had to.]

Hey, little man! Go sleep with those girls you go out with and LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

31 May 2006

It's not a game

"Are you seeing anyone right now?" A friend asked me a few days ago.

Well, you already know the answer to that question. A big, flat "No". Heh.

He continued to tell me that he was going out here and there but no one serious. [Note: I used to go out with him a few months back.] I merely asked out of politeness, really. Hahaha. I wasn't really interested. Damn small talks. Bleh. Perhaps I should talk about the weather next time he chats me up. Hahaha.

Anyway, answering that question now doesn't bring any ill-feelings about the situation. I don't mind that I'm not actively dating. Why? I simply realised that I can't be bothered with dating anyone who doesn't excite or even interest me in any way.

Okay, for the sake of argument, I'll raise the point that some if not most 'daters' consider why they pursue and thrive in the scene -- Finding the perfect mate.

Sure, if you continue to date, you open yourself to all possibilities of finding him or her. It's like a process of elimination. It's like you're giving Fate a hand in bringing yourself to your perfect mate. But you see -- I agree with all that.

The thing is, I haven't turned my back from dating. I'm just not going out of my way to date, you know what I mean?

Someone told me yesterday that he's speculating that the reason why I don't have a man in my life is because I'm not coming off as accommodating, i.e. being too picky.

Whaa--?! Does he mean that anyone who applies some sort of standard in choosing the person he or she dates is too picky?

I sure hope not!

Hmmm.. I'm merely adapting the concept of letting guys know that if you're only asking me out to get into the game then I'll turn you down flat because I have no interest whatsoever in playing. Is that too much to ask from a guy? If it is then I'm not the right person for him.

I guess all I'm saying is, I will go out with a guy if he asks me nicely -- meaning he genuinely likes me and is considering a relationship if he finds that we have chemistry. He's also on the look out for the 'spark' and will let himself fall for me, granted that it'll get to that level.

It doesn't have to happen all at once, it doesn't even have to happen at all. I guess the difference lie in the intention, I reckon. Again I ask, that's not too much, right?

21 May 2006

Back to regular programming...

I haven't written an entry in a while. I apologise. I don't want to justify my actions but allow me to try and explain what's been going on.

There is zero activity in my love life. Hahaha.

That basically sums it up, right? What can write about if there's nothing going on? Okay. I'm guilty of being extra occupied with my other blogs and most of my thoughts on love and dating are diverted to Dating Dames. However, I have to admit I can't really pour my heart out in that blog. I write about things I learn about the matter from other people, random situations and, yea, a bit of research. It's more of technical writing than anything else.

Like what I said earlier, I want to keep this blog because this documents my journey in discovering love in the dating scene. I'm actually hoping that one day I'd get to share with you guys that I met someone or even tell you that I've finally fallen in love once again. Bleh. Nothing happening in the area. I'm not holding my breath. Hahaha.

I've come a full circle once again. I now find myself numb to the whole love thing. If I'm going to be honest, I'm more consumed with anger and hatred -- the cause isn't in anyway related to my love life, though. Heh. Don't ask. I don't want to talk about it.

Recap: What happened with the crush I mentioned before --- uh, well -- it sizzled for, like, a couple of minutes then died a natural death. I'm not heartbroken or anything. I knew nothing will ever come out of it. I'm actually a little annoyed with the guy mainly because of how the discussion got "dropped" but come to think of it, I don't care. Really. I don't even mind if we don't speak to each other anymore. But I know that's going to be a little difficult so I'm taking the "avoid him at all cost until I can't help it" route. Hehehe.

I'll try to get in touch with my romantic side even if I'm not actively dating. You can tolerate even a cynical romantic, right? I guess this is my way of warning you that I might be writing stuff that will come off as crass and argumentative. Hey, give it a chance. I might find it useful in a way. You wouldn't know, I just might learn to be optimistic about the whole thing again and once I get the angst out of my system, I'll be sharing some sweet and poignant stories, too. Ack. The thought gives me goose pimples. I shudder in disgust. Hahaha.

25 April 2006

News Bit #4

It's been a while I know.

I've been too busy with Dating Dames and the rest of my other blogs to think about my lovelife. Heh.

I just came back to Manila, though. I arrived a couple of days ago. I do have a story or two to share plus a few questions I need answering. Hmmm.

My mind's a mush but I'll try to keep you updated more often. Uh, well -- as soon as I get fully settled, that is.

Ta.

05 April 2006

News Bit #3

It was just last month when I noticed that I got a link back from Dating Dames. Now, there's something new that I want to share -- it has to do something about the same blog.

I got asked to join Gayla McCord and co-author Dating Dames! You heard it right... I'm the new Dame! Teeheehee.

I'm not leaving this blog though. Truth + Travesty has become an avenue for me to express my thoughts and emotions. Plus I like the idea that it has become my Online Dating and Relationships Journal.

I hope I'd get to see you in Dating Dames, too.

Here are some of the entries I've already posted:

Around the World in 80 Dates

Office Dating: Give it a go?

Going on a Blind Date?

and a favourite, Sasha's Non-Couple Moment.

28 March 2006

And He Said...

You will find him one day. He will be exactly the man you've always hoped for and dreamed of. You will know when he makes himself known to you. You will be certain that he's the one I've meant for you.

He will not ask you not to fall for him because it's exactly want he wants you to do. He will not caution you that he might just break your heart for he won't.

He will make you smile and laugh. He will bare his soul to you as you would. He will take care of you and treasure you. He will be your lover, your partner, and your bestfriend.

He will be everything that I've told you he would be. That's a promise.

Thank you, Lord.

10 March 2006

The Space Between - Dave Matthews



THE SPACE BETWEEN by Dave Matthews





As the walls come down...

I don't feel like thinking cuz my thoughts turn to you. I don't feel like feeling, scared of what I'd find out and they might get out of hand.

Your words resound in my brain and I have this strange feeling that you're hearing my thoughts.

Do I dare ask God if you're the one? I want to but I fear the disappointment a "No" can bring.

What sadness have I known that can create such a void in me? Talking to you came effortlessly. Wondering if it were a dream and I merely fantasized knowing you. There were moments when I wished that if it were a dream then let me sleep forever.

We're thousands of miles apart yet I forget how far that really is.

Do you wake up and think about me? My mind tells me to stop this foolishness cuz you don't. I'm confused by what I'm feeling. I do like you and I've seen a part of you that I can only wish for. I had to always remind myself that no matter how much I want to continue relishing on the bubble of a world I've created for you and I, I can't. You're not mine and never will be.

He will come soon, like you said. It's just sad that he can't be you.

I long to share this with the rest of the world. I want them to know about you but too afraid to let the walls go down. I refuse to be vulnerable. I've never felt so powerless and disappointed in my entire life.

I like you. I really do. I wish that you didn't tell me that I had an effect on you. I wish I didn't know you liked me even just a little. But for a fraction of a minute, hearing you say you liked me, all was right with the world. All the pain I've gone through in the past had faded into nothing. But reality stepped in, normalcy was set up and then a good-bye. Fate and time are on your side, for that I'm glad. Glad cuz I know I don't fit in your world.

You'll never be the one who'll break my already broken heart. You won't be the one to piece them back together either and will never have the chance to hold them in your hands forever.

Let me be. Just catch my teardrops with your hand and walk away remembering my words, never think no one cares for you.

Finding Shelby

09 March 2006

Let's try to mix up some signals.

I read this post about flirting a week ago and I restrained myself from writing anything about the subject because, honestly, it pisses me off. Pfft. Not the article, alright? The topic.

I've never been good at it. I never thought I had the "gift". I value trust and truth so why would I flirt with the idea of flirting? I do have a way with words. Hehehe. I guess some people have it in them naturally. An aura of friendliness that can be mistaken as flirting. It sucks, I know.

Okay, I'm going to be a teensy-bit more honest now. I have flirted once or twice in my life. Alright, a little more than that and that's all I'm ever going to own up to so don't push it. But going back to my point, I only flirt with people I like. Believe me, that says a lot. I'm way too picky, you see. There are moments when I'm just being friendly then it's mistaken as flirting or vice-versa. It's frustrating, you know.

I recently told a friend of mine that I sometimes do stupid things when I'm bored and with nothing better to do. I'm not really proud of it and I am suffering the consequences of the action. Yea, it has something to do with flirting. Well, my friend knows that I'm very inquisitive and when I focus on something, I tend to get resourceful. And I always prefer the hands-on approach in learning something. And learn I did.

A quick backtrack, I was just utterly curious on what's the fuss about flirting and I often wondered if I can be good at it so I went on a journey of learning. Uh, no. I still don't think I have the gift. I'm too gullible to exercise the craft. I might not do it justice. Regardless of what other people may think. Phooey, you!

Anyway, my point is. In the course of my learning I found out that there are two general intentions why people engage in flirting.

    Because you can. It makes you feel good, you see. It's cool to know that you have that power over someone to believe that you like him/her. These people sing to the tune of Britney's song, "Oopss, I did it again".

    You genuinely like the other person that's why you try and test the waters. This works especially if that person you're flirting with is reciprocating the act. Yes. The feeling's sublime if he or she does.


I guess, my observations are correct if your going to base it on the SIRC Guide to Flirting. How cool is that?

I only use it appropriately and sparingly now. So I can't be blamed for mixing up signals. Teeheehee.

That's my ten cents about this matter.

08 March 2006

News Bit #2

I just noticed that I got a link back from Dating Dames. Coolness!

Thanks, Gayla and Christine!

That's it, folks!

07 March 2006

Bloody Men

Wendy Cope
[21 July 1945 - ]

Bloody men are like bloody buses --
You wait for about a year
And as soon as one approaches your stop
Two or three others appear.

You look at them flashing their indicators,
Offering you a ride.
You're trying to read the destinations,
You haven't much time to decide.

If you make a mistake, there's no turning back.
Jump off, and you'll stand there and gaze
While cars and taxis and lorries go by
And the minutes, the hours, the days.


Wendy Cope notes: "When I wrote this, in 1987, I must already have been a bit shortsighted. Nowadays, if I'm wearing glasses, I have no difficulty in reading the destination on the buses."

| An excerpt from A Poem A Day. |

06 March 2006

I'm not putting up with it!

I don't know how they do it. Wives, I mean. How can they deal with seeing the heads of their husbands turn to watch another woman walk by or hearing them say how a certain woman is hot or sexy or whatever. Bleh.

Most of the married women that I have encountered told me that it's normal. Trust is the key. That it's better that you hear it and know about it than having them do it behind your back.

Eek.

I reckon all the jealous bones in my body will react violently when that happens to me. Is it a crime to want your husband's eyes to look at you and you alone? I really am not enjoying the idea the he'll look at another woman. I'm sure all the married women will tell me, "Oh, expect it to happen. Don't be naive as to think the male specie is any different now as they were before. They haven't changed." Oh, no. Please, God, no.

I'm terrified now. As much as I want to say "I will not put up with it!" I reckon I am destined to suffer the same fate. Ha. An eye for an eye. How horrible. Why is marriage a difficult thing to swallow? Pfft.

04 March 2006

Oh, no. I've got a crushie.

I thought I was resigned to a crushless state til I find a boyfriend but I found myself a crushie recently. Uh, well, I have been nursing it for more than a month now. Dear me. If only you can hear my giggling and see my blushing. It's totally embarrassing! Hahaha.

You'd think it's all blue skies and lollipops for me, huh? Well, think again.

My head is in the clouds, though. I can't seem to get him out of my already busy head. Coincidences won't even let up, it's baffling. I like what I've been finding out. Then again, it really doesn't matter if he doesn't see me that way, innit?

He makes me laugh, though. Bleh.

23 February 2006

A Swan

I got into thinking about swans. Aren't they known for being monogamous? That once they mate, it's for life?

The concept of dating is not known to them, I guess. This reminded me of something I said to somebody not too long ago. Yes. I'm protecting her identity. Hahaha. It was something about me telling her not think of going back out there because the dating scene is not good. It's hell-ish. Teehee. Some would agree with me when I say how horrible some dates go. I can't help but think that all the men that're left for us single women are lemons. I mean no offense to the guys who think they're good catches. If you are a good catch then what I've said doesn't apply to you.

I remember my brother telling me, "I'm a good catch. If a girl is able to catch me [literally] then you can say that it is indeed a good catch." I bursted out laughing. You have to know who my brother is to get the joke. What constitutes a good catch anyway?

In the animal kingdom, they're not bothered about marriage, fidelity or love for that matter. However, the idea of betrayal isn't present either. But if you think about it, it's pretty much simpler, huh? Stress free. With only females having males for breakfast after mating. Literally. Hahaha.

Anyway, there's something to learn from animals, you know. But that doesn't mean that we should act like animals. It's just the principle behind some of the things present in them. Just like what I was talking about in the first place. Swans and monogamy.

That being the case, I know I'm a swan of some sort. I'm monogamous. Once I find my mate, it's going to be for life.

News Bit #1

I just found out that I got linked to About Weblogs a week ago.

I was included in the Dating Blogs List. I found it really cool, don't you?

Anyway, I just wanted to share my good fortune. I hope all of you are happy for me.

19 February 2006

16 February 2006

Summer's Tears

The moment Summer opened her eyes that morning she knew something was in the air and she just can't put a finger on it. The rising sun, which warmed her skin on her way to work seems to greet her a good season ahead. Summer was then reminded of that night a week ago that brought her to a crossroad she had faced last night. Little that she knew that it was a first of many.

"Hey, Summer!" her friend, Erin greeted her. "Did you know Peter's in town?" Summer's heart skipped a beat upon hearing the news. Peter? My Peter? Peter from two years ago? She frantically thought to herself then realizing the error of her thoughts she bites her lip. Good thing Carlo her boyfriend was not there to hear that piece of news and see her reaction. Summer has been seeing Carlo for almost two years. She met Peter almost right after she met Carlo. She had developed feelings for him but Peter told her how he felt about her a moment too late and circumstances were somewhat difficult between them because he was moving to Davao.

"Really? Peter?" She merely checked if she heard her friend right. "How is he? Why hasn't he been around? Like tonight?" They were having their usual dinner on a Saturday night with a few other friends at a cool new place in the central business district.

"Yea. He's such a meanie. He won't show up in any of the times we've invited him!" Erin pouted. "Maybe you should give it a try! Here, I'll give you his home number." She then wrote it down on a napkin and gave it to Summer.

That was a surprise. Peter? Not show up at Erin's beck and call? They were pretty tight before he left for Davao. I mean, they used to hang out a lot and she even has 'Psycho' as a nickname for him. Summer continued on thinking to herself. She stared at the napkin then cautiously, slipped it in her bag. Summer felt guilty in some way but she shakes it off reasoning that she's merely doing it as a friend and nothing more.

Summer can recall conversations she had with Peter two years ago. All his personal thoughts and opinions about things he learned along the way, which he shared with her. Peter was the first person she knew who had an opinion about a different way of thinking, the kind that's outside the norm or the kind that was totally different from the things she grew up believing in. Perhaps that is the reason why she was drawn to him. He had that ability to capture her attention and compliment her by paying that same attention to her.

It was once said that you have to build bridges of chance for destiny to reach you. Summer took that opportunity to get in touch with an old friend and see how he's doing. She thought that what is a harmless phone call anyway? It's not like you'll be going out with him, right? She will tell Carlo all about it afterward. And she did.

After a few blunders, Peter had called Summer at work, which came as a surprise because it never really occurred to her that he'd be interested to hear from her and the kid who she left her messages to was not at all reliable. They talked for a bit then arranged to talk more so they exchanged more contact numbers including their mobile phone. Peter was once more in her life. Perhaps, it was destiny that they'd meet again.

Summer was honest to Peter when he inquired about her current relationship with Carlo. She didn't tell him details just that she was happy. They talked about his life in Davao and topics included other trivial things. But there was a tension between them that neither of them seems to want to break. Until the last few days he had before leaving for Davao.

Summer was flattered that she need not ask him to see her or any of their friends. Peter told her he wanted to see her and if any of their friends happen to be around then it would be fine but he primarily wanted to see her. He asked for a lunch date but she felt uncomfortable going out with him alone so he settled to meet over coffee instead. She brought Erin along and he brought his cousin Miguel with us. Summer felt safe somehow that it wouldn't look like she was disrespecting her boyfriend. The meeting didn't last very long. Before saying good-bye, he said that seeing and being with her again were enough.

Everything changed between them after that meeting. Peter became increasingly present in her life. He treated her as if she was someone who's important to him. It mattered that he let her know how he felt about her in simple things, through simple ways. Summer was bothered because she knew she wasn't trying to lead him on and she tried to tell him just that. It all culminated last night on their last conversation. There was closure somehow. Or at least Summer wanted to believe it.

Now, just after a few hours of sleep, Summer vividly remembers how it all went, especially before they said their good-byes.

"I now know that there is no future for us.. yea, I've thought about us having a life together, complete with kids and all that. But I understand it better now." He said the words that followed with finality. "We'll never be together."

"What are you talking about? I already told you from the start that I have a boyfriend, right?" Summer asked him, totally baffled. "How then can you think of and say such things?"

"Yes, I know.." He told her plainly.

"You have to understand that I love Carlo and no matter what, I will choose him." She found herself defensive somehow. She didn't understand the pain that came with uttering those words to him. But she knew that virtue will always win out when it came to her.

"Someday when you look back to our conversation tonight, you'll understand" Peter had told her quietly. "I was just given the opportunity to tell you this... that after all this time, no one came close to replacing you in my life, Summer..."

"Peter.." she was fighting back the tears of shame for the hurt that her words earlier may have caused him.

"I love you very much... Knowing that you know that is enough." He then grew quiet.

Summer was too moved by everything that transpired between them that she, too, grew silent.

The silence gave each of them the proper good-byes, which words will never satisfy. Summer remembered the promises to keep in touch, for real this time and wishes for a good life before they parted ways. Peter's flight was 6 o'clock this morning. It was almost 8 o'clock, he must be in Davao by now. Summer hoped for a safe trip for him and is only brother, Marlo, especially when she somewhat heard about news of a plane crash somewhere. Her boss was telling a colleague about it when she got in this morning because they were on their way to Davao, too. And she had laughed at the coincidence.

Summer came back to her desk from her morning break greeted by a return call message from Erin. Why would Erin call her? She asked herself. Then at the back of her mind pieces were coming together. Peter. Davao. Plane crash. Morning. Erin. She suddenly felt a cold shiver run down her spine. Summer knew she urgently needed to call Erin. She had to ask her friends for her home number. She tried to reason with herself that it's crazy and mean to come into a hasty conclusion as bad as that. She kept doing that until she heard Erin's voice.

"Hello, Erin?" Summer tried to remain calm, "You called me?"

"Summer, you heard about Peter's plane?" Erin asked flatly. "It crashed. The plane that crashed was the one they're in."

Summer remembered feeling cold then warm then cold all over. She didn't know how to feel. She didn't remember how the conversation ended but it did. She didn't feel hurt at that moment. Perhaps she was in denial. Her brain was in full mode, wheels of logic was in motion. Then she was in shock.

The days which followed were a blur and she remained numb. Summer wanted and needed to cry but can't. She longed to tell her friends about what happened between Peter and herself but she couldn't. She had no right to grieve.

It happened April 2000. Memories of Peter flooded her mind. Peter, the guy who had offered a love that Summer refused out of loyalty and propriety. She broke his heart. Now, he's dead and she knew she'd never have the opportunity to piece them back together. Peter will never know how she did love him somehow.

On a mid-summer's eve, a year after Peter's death, only did Summer allow her tears to flow. On the sands, under the star-filled sky, where they first met and touched each other's lives, she lit a candle to rejoice his existence in hers that's now, forever immortalized.


Something I wrote sometime ago. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect something like it to happen but it came and I went through it. It's just that the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about stuff from the past and how much emotion filled my being over the years. This is one of the things that started the domino effect in organizing all my thoughts and beliefs in my chaotic life.

This is for you, Peter.

07 February 2006

Emotional baggage? Me?

Pfft.

Yea, I smoke. But does that really mean anything? Says over at Dating Dames that when a person has an obsessive habit like, uh, smoking, it's a sure sign of emotional baggage. Hmmm. Makes you wonder, huh?

Well-- let me think.

I've been technically single for over 5 years. Don't laugh.

It took me a while to get over it. Is 3 years a short time? Hahaha. It's true!

It was during the latter part of that 2nd year that I started to pick up the habit. I made the mistake of getting back together with him, you see. Stupid, I know.

I date half-heartedly. It's like I want to throw myself into it but when I find myself in it, I often try to find a way out. I'm not proud of that, okay.

Dated but never had a that inclination to settle. Not proud of that either. Bleh.

According to my sister, I choose the wrong type of men. I wish to God that it's not true but--

Leads me to this, I attract the worst kind. Either they're attached or married. Hehehe. Home-wrecker. Well, not really. Teehee.

I have a strong attachment to the song, Ten Days by Missy Higgins.

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your heart's coming too.
Cuz I miss your hands. I miss your face.
When I get back, let's disappear without a trace.

Cuz it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't

Cuz baby time has changed nothing at all
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love.


So, based on all the facts stated above, you think I do have a baggage?

If I quit smoking, would it prove that I don't?

Seriously, I think I need help in this department.

31 January 2006

Boy are stupid. Throw rocks at them.

I just had to. It's so cute and funny. Right? I featured this shirt here.

I don't mean that I believe boys are stupid, uh-- all the time. They have their moments. They can be adorably stupid at times and fucking dense the next. But hey, I can't help but love them despite their imperfections. I reckon that's what makes them interesting to relate to.

So, please ladies. Let's not throw rocks at them. Oh, alright. Sometimes. Teehee.

24 January 2006

You Up for Speed?

I'm not referring to the pill, dammit!

Then again, it would have been a better choice than the one that I'm going to tell you about. Nah. I'm just kidding. I say no to drugs. Hahaha.

So what am I really talking about anyway? Well, it's that thing I mentioned in an earlier post about the guy I went out with. Thinking about the guy gives me the creeps. Eeew. Anyhoo, I said something about saving the story on how I met him, exactly. Uh, yea... the word, Speed, has something to with it. Can't you guess?

Oh, alright. It's Speed Dating.

What is Speed Dating?

Speed dating is a popularized form of hooking-up in our ever so busy lifestyle. Do you recall a scene from the movie, Hitch, where Will Smith barged in a room full of people, men and women seated across each other, just to talk to Eva Mendes? It was a Speed Dating event.

Can you imagine meeting a number of total strangers and being forced to make a choice after having been given the chance to talk to him/her in certain number of minutes, in my case it was 5 minutes? Talk about dating in the fastlane. It can be likened to agreeing to go out with someone who came up to you in a club. I think the latter is a much better option since he/she may have bought you a drink or two just to talk to you. Unlike the former, where you're required to pay a fee for participating and chances are, you might end up spending 5 hours of your weekend meeting a bunch of guys whom you'd likely never be interested in dating in the first place. Bleh.

Okay, I might be a little harsh on the whole thing. I'm sure some people out there are so glad that this dating phenomenon came around their vicinity.

Why participate then?

It simple really. I'm new in town so what better way to jumpstart my social network? Hahaha. Besides, I went there to play and not be played. Teeheehee. Seriously, it was my sister's idea for a blog topic. I'm the guinea pig since I'm single and she's not. She asked me if I wanted to participate, I just said, "Why not?" There you go.

Were you able to hook up with anyone?

Honestly, I chose three guys out of respect for the organizers. These guys were pretty okay to talk to so I ticked the "yes" box beside their names. I'm not interested to see them romantically, though. Ugh.

To answer the question, yes, I did go out with one guy who asked me out. And no, I'm not going to see him again. Hahaha.

Any funny experience?

The entire thing was hilarious! Whenever I would see a guy approach my table, I really wanted to shout, "Next!" But of course, I was polite and just made the most out of it. Hahaha.

Your most memorable moment then?

Good question. Aha. I know. It was when this tough looking guy sat across me and then after the exchange of names, he went on a tirade of how much he disliked people who judge others poorly. He went on about it, basically telling me that he's one unhappy person. He's even wondering why no one's interested in him. He has lots to offer, he said.

That's one big chip on his shoulder, I thought. I got scared a bit because he was really upset, you see. Though, in the end, I acted like his psychiatrist and asked questions like, "And how do you feel about that?" Teehee. Before the 5 minutes were up, I was able to give him one advise, which is, for him to always look at life positively and always wear a smile. Good, huh?

The guy clearly had a ton of baggages and didn't have a clue that he shouldn't bring it and dump it on his date. I think he should be signed up for Dating for Dummies.

Any last thoughts about the experience you want to share?

It's fun and funny at the same time. It's a great way to explore the dating scene. Word of caution, though, don't take it too seriously. Don't be naive as to think that guys here are going to be a lot more honest and less pretentious. Chances of finding a great guy through this medium is as slim as bumping into him in the supermarket. And yea, I prefer the romance of chance encounters over human-orchestrated meetings.


Love will find you no matter what so just continue doing whatever that is that you do and keep believing that it is written in your stars.

20 January 2006

Meet the Current Man in my Life!



I met him in Adelaide Airport, 4 months and 9 days ago. It was love at first sight. I knew I was going to love him forever.

I met him when he was only 19 months and 22 days old. He barely could talk then but amazed me this morning when he said "I love you, Tuta." Awww. He can string words together now. Even if he still calls me "Tuta", which translates to puppy in English, instead of "Tita", which means Aunt.

Well, okay. He's the current young man in my life. He's my sweet and adorable nephew. I'm sure people who know me best would tease me mercilessly about my choices in men, particularly, what age range they belong in. Bleh. Like I can control who are attrated to me, right?

Alright. Issue dropped.


Cameron Matthew. It's his birthday today. He just turned two.

Happy Birthday, Baba! "Tuta" loves you, too!