23 June 2007

What is Love?

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never
boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last
forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:4

I grew up with that Bible verse posted in my room. It was my sister's wall decor and I learned to live by it. I have been disappointed time and time again, but it is really much more disappointing when you are let down by a friend. Especially when he does things that are obviously hurtful. I thought he was a great person, looked up to him even, but his actions lately are just simply hurtful and disapppointing. I guess he hasn't grown up yet.

And I guess he just wanted me for very selfish reasons in the first place. Thank God his true colors came out before I got too deep.

If Things Were Perfect

.. we wouldn't find ourselves fighting most of the time.
.. my heart wouldn't be breaking right now.
.. I wouldn't be wiping tears away.
.. I'd be lying on the sands, watching the waves and holding your hand.
.. you'd be here with me, telling me you love me.

If only things were perfect but they weren't, were they?

I still find myself wanting to holding your hand anyway.

22 June 2007

I'm done.

Sometimes, people think so highly of themselves and what they've sacrificed that they fail to see what the other has actually given up just to be with them.

I've supported his dreams. I've opened my heart to love again even when I know I can easily get hurt. And hurting is the last thing I would want to experience again.

I was hurting for three years and it wasn't fun, I tell you. It's not something I'd wish on an enemy. It's so traumatising to the point that I had a really hard time getting close to anyone, much less be in a relationship.

It was a huge risk when I decided to be with him. I'd fallen in love with him.

I had thought I'm done waiting; that I can easily breathe now. I'm wrong, so wrong.

He simply didn't get it or just didn't give a damn. He couldn't appreciate who I am and what I can offer him. He's too consumed with his own life. He can't even tell me why he loves me. That's good enough reason to base my decision on --- I'm done.

I'm turning 30 in 6 months and yes, I'm back to being single. Oh, boy. This is gonna hurt.

21 June 2007

As if silence will make things right

I'm simply getting drained with all the arguments. Fighting can be good for relationships but, hell, if it's recurring --- to the point that we'd argue about the littlest of things --- you can't blame me if I begin to wonder on the point in all of it.

I was asked this question quite recently, "what are you doing to correct your faults, which contributes to the friction?" I remember responding but only vaguely. I have to admit, I was put on the spot.

All I said was I would try my best to adjust and find some sort of compromise. But I work best if I have someone to discuss things with.

It's been said that I'm unreasonable at times. I'm difficult to talk to esp when I'm pissed off. Sad truth is I am high maintenance, though, not materially but still high maintenance, nonetheless.

How do you deal with somebody who's badly scarred? How do you counter her suspicious nature?

I have a pretty active imagination, you see. I've observed a lot of behaviour that I can use to pattern others with in order to come up with theories, which, unless disproved, will remain true in my book even if it's purely circumstancial.

If you leave me with my own thoughts through your silence then you can throw away the chances of making things right. It's simply because I reckon a problem will not be fixed on its own.

I feel so helpless. I don't know what else to do to get through this. I can't help but ask myself, sometimes, "If this is what it's like now, what will it be like years down the road? Do I really want to be part of something that will only make me feel trapped and unloved?"

Honestly, it's something I didn't expect from someone like him. He's one of the nicest men I've ever met. Seriously. That's why I'm perplexed with what's been happening. And that's why I'm lost and uncertain of what else I can do.

I feel utterly useless.

12 June 2007

Be Still My Heart

OMG! I thought I had you under control. But... but...

Be still!

Don't move!

Hold it!

This couldn't be happening!!!

07 June 2007

Decision vs. Feelings

They say that when it rains, it pours.

A friend of mine said that we always go through this cycle - meet someone, fall in love, hope, then hope some more and then some more and then we find ourselves alone. I found myself in the bottom rung once again a few weeks ago and then I'm on my way up again.

But, lo and behold! Let me pause for a while and think. Why do I always find myself alone in the end? Is it because I really don't want to be with someone? Am I preventing myself from falling in love completely? Am I afraid to take the risk?

I met someone recently and after such a long time here's someone who's actually showing some care. I mean, he wants to take care of me. And I'm afraid if I let my fear overrun me once again, I might lose this opportunity again.

Which leads me to this question, is love a decision or a feeling? What do you think?

Thank you for the heartfelt welcome Sasha! It wasn't necessary, but I'm sure your fans would've been wondering who I am. Much appreciated.

06 June 2007

My Moment with Loneliness

"You let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely --- but eventually be able to say, 'all right that was my moment with loneliness... I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well...'"

--- Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

05 June 2007

My Prayer

Piece my heart back together, Lord.

I'm truly sorry for not listening to you.

I put my heart and life in your hands.

You know me best.

My hope is found in You.

Answer Me This.

If you say that everything you're doing is for me then why is it taking you away from me?

04 June 2007

Meet & Welcome Charlene

I should have written this post a long time ago. I owe her that much. But I keep forgetting --- signs of getting old perhaps? Egad.

Charlene's a new friend of mine. She's one of the people I know who thoroughly enjoyed reading Truth + Travesty, yes, she read the entire blog (as far as I know). And I appreciated it to the point that I've opened this blog's doors to her.

We'd talk about love and relationships like we were born of the same mother. She seeks and finds truth amidst all the travesty.

I've been looking for women to join me here and she readily agreed when asked. I know she has a story to tell and lessons to learn, to both I'm sure this blog can cater to.

Truth + Travesty has been a great way for me to find release for all my lunatic tendencies and it has been a good way to organise my thoughts on all things love. I hope it will bring the same things to Charlene, maybe even more.

I hope you guys would give her a listen. She's willing to share her life's story to you, too.

Charlene, keep on hoping, smiling and writing cuz even the worst of things can turn out to be the best, after all.

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay!