Not every heartbreak is caused by a wrecked love life.
Fact is, there are certain circumstances that transpire to our lives make us feel insecure, or worse, miserable. There's this imminent fear that gives us this unbearable heartache and despondence.
One thing that I fear most is losing a loved one.
It's not that I'm morbid or something. I know this person I endear most is already way past old age. Consider 70 as the number. Recently, the person got sick. It's heart-breaking to see this person complaining about his/her tortuous back pain first thing in the morning. I'm not really used to wake up during AM specially if I don't have work on such day, but the wailing shatters me from my slumber.
People tend to get sicker and sicker as they grow old. I guess, it's because of old age that every body part begins to malfunction. Bones begin to brittle. Organs begin to fail. Carcinogens begin to multiply. The immune system begins to shut down which makes them more susceptible to infection than their heydays.
Causes may be idiopathic. But heck, of course, it's brought by senility.
Senility is a slow and painful death. :'(
Worry no more, the person is okay for now. The doctor didn't find something chronic. Now, I can breathe easier.
Hey, how about drawing some inspiration from what you watch?
I said to myself. I have been spending some alone time lately, well not because of me getting so emo or me trying to fix a broken heart. It's just I got lazy of going out or reaching out to people coz I'm so dead-busy. That's why I need to take a break and detach from the world for a little while. ;)
Yeah right, you can consider the aforementioned reasons to be true. Hence, I guess I got so stressed that I wanna spend my whole day at home, mostly lying on the bed taking a breather.
To cut the crap, here are the characters/TV personalities I love:
Dr. Gregory House - the modern "Sherlock". I love witty people who use deductive reasoning (in this case, in a differential diagnosis) to solve something. His immature, cynical attitude is rather funny. He's a mean jerk, loves insulting people and rationalizing everything even the unexplained according to "his" own doctrine. Oh well, he's so smart, he's too good for words. :P
Jesse Spencer - the one who plays Dr. Chase in House MD series. Jesse Spencer's such a looker. I love his Aussie accent to boot.
David Cook - I've never been an AI fan. :P Yet, watching David Cook perform til the finale is heart-melting. I super love his somewhat husky voice, his "grunge" looks (like Cobain's) and the way he sings/performs on the stage. Haay, the cuteness factor is mesmerizing.
Gil Grissom - I love him when he looks curious. Another Sherlock in the making. He looks like a deadpan emotionless person and more into philosophical/theological beliefs.
Tony Parker - I only watch NBA because of him. Ha-ha, San Antonio Spurs has a looker. Eva Longoria must be so lucky.
Oh well, I'm still in search for more series and for more personalities. The TV and the DVD player must be complaining.
I seem to be doing pretty well and feeling pretty fine after some woeful state of emotional plight. Amidst all heartaches and breakups (and breakouts. lol.) that annoy me greatly, I have found myself a new predilection--watching something worth learning for. Okay, so it may seem to be emotionally unpleasant since the protagonist is a cynic and a misanthrope. Translation? He's one heck of an apathetic jerk! Nevertheless, I like him...like a lot!
There are so many wonderful traits I really admire. Like, I am really attracted to nice people, someone who can treat people with utmost respect and appreciates them 24/7. Don't get me wrong, 24/7 is hella metaphor! :P I used to be attracted to someone who cares, respects and appreciates me most of the time. I guess I'm not fond of a looker, someone who looks or dresses in a gorgeous manner.
I got involved in geeks, in Christians, in nice and simple people. Little did I know is that there's so much to this preference that one person cannot be perfectly nice alone. I should've realized to take heed of my aversions. But then, nobody's perfect. So I guess, it's a matter of trying to live up with such aversion. :)
So, do preferences matter? Yes and No. Yes, because I am able to have this cheat sheet, a blueprint that guides me throughout all this dating and getting-to-know-you thingy. No, because sometimes going through this list may be bias. Hell, it doesn't mean that a great looking person cannot be nice or smart at all. It also doesn't mean that an average-looking John Doe who thinks big like Isaac Newton (a genius god-fearing person, for instance) is really a perfectly nice and down-to-earth person at all. Here comes the actual stereotyping, which can really, really be bad and may backfire to a very revolting choice in return.
Lesson learned: Preferences are helpful guides that lead along the way, not cutthroat rules to adamantly follow.
It's amazing how 2 days or more of detaching yourself from the virtual world and the reality can cure your temporary insanity.
I have been very ill since the inception of the breakup. For about 6 months, I tried losing myself and I just got my wish.
For about 6 months, I stopped using my brain. I thought I was thinking too much. BUT the sad truth it is, I wasn't thinking rationally because I think too much.
I must admit, I held back on thinking outside the box, on thinking what lies beneath. For days I began to question my psyche. As a matter of fact, I became more insane than before.
For now I'm trying to undo everything that I created for myself. It doesn't mean that I'm repairing myself. Being unusually kooky can be irreparable. But at least, trying to mitigate it is worth the effort.
I thought that the cause of my latest depression was because of losing a long-term relationship. It was, at first, but then I believe I was wrong. My latest depression was caused by liking someone that triggered me to end that long-term relationship yet I never seemed to admit it for the longest time. Hell yeah, I was in denial for a very long time that I was really liking someone else. Why the past tense? Oh yeah, it should be, I am liking someone else and all this time I'm trying to kill it because I don't think it's rational or moral to like someone that quick.
Because I believe that there's this fucked up, sick rule of not jumping from one relationship to another, especially if you just came from a wrecked one. I believe that liking someone involves some sort to mutualism to make it happen. And because, my brain is was so fucked up, I was ascertained to rather believe in other people's opinion that this person does not have the same feelings as I have than to believe in myself that this person and I have the same feelings. I may be right; other people may be right. But what sucked the most was some pathetic skepticism I had made me not to act on impulse and stayed frozen solid filled with nothing but more questions (doubts) than answers. Oh, that made me a gullible ignoramus.
So there, total detachment woke me up into a clean slate--a new form of reality--or some sort of my own mock-up of reality perhaps. But hey, at least, I could speak clearly for myself sans being spaced out like a moron talking like shit, waiting for the grammar Nazis to underscore my mistakes. I think I can talk coherently, and I can now clearly justify what the fuck I'm talking about at this point. I am not sure if you can get my point here. But being somewhat indubitable is a lot cooler, laying off those obsessive-compulsive, perfectionist high-level dorks who may actually appear as pompous, asinine commonplace people who got psychological problems of their own in reality.
Okay, it's been 2 hours and I'm still not doing something productive.
For 2 hours I've been:
* Stalking a long-lost childhood crush who happens to exist in a social networking site (yet as usual, the status is taken) * Editing my social networking profile. Again. For the nth time. * Scanning blogs. Work and Non-work related. * Listening eternally to Keane.
I must admit, I'm blinded by first impressions.
I was fucked-up, smitten by chivalrous, too-good-to-be-true, gentlemanly acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. This is why, you caught my attention. I took heed in every nanosecond of concern. I wish I could have given back the same amount--tenfold.
The inanity of my cluttered noggin thwarts and hampers me from making sound decisions and resolutions.
I am always hit by skepticism.
That's why, I failed to reciprocate, IMO.
I miss the early times, for the fact that I love being taken care of. Oh, btw, I am still fucked-up smitten, though I believe the amount of giddiness has dwindled since first impressions are not built to last.
Gah. Do I still catch your attention? Me don't think so.
And the best, soundest, wisest resolution that I fin'lly and hopefully conclude is to get over it. I am moving on.
My head's already messed up. My actions are astonishingly stupid. My feelings are playing with me.
I always thought it's over.
I have this certain belief that I carry, basically something I thought was definitive. It's like, I don't like this person anymore, and I couldn't care less about that person.
My feelings tell me otherwise. They contradict with such belief, such programmed notion I did encode myself.
What the fuck is my problem? My feelings give me irresolvable conundrums, more like a hodgepodge of crapshit writings, even the Rosetta Stone can't possibly decipher it. It's worse than some fucked up archaic matrix-like language.
And what's more fucked up? Okay, I always make a nonchalant impression to save myself from being caught utter consciously enamored and dumbfounded. I play the coy, shy, unusually indifferent twerp.
Truth is, I get this fantasy of doing things to reach out to that person, but I always, ALWAYS wind up not doing it. Don't get me wrong. Those things are platonic and malice-free. They're just subtle, friendly acts to keep the bonding alive. But hence, the bonding's dead. It's so dead and buried 6 feet (or more) below the ground. I horribly killed it, blew all the chances and efforts way.
Which by the way, makes me a beautiful loser. lol.
Sometimes you're engaged with someone for a bit of naughty conversation. Well, don't picture it as if I was trying to have sex using words.
It's just a simple kinky question I sometimes choose to answer (basically I dodge this kind of conversations. But if I'm comfortable with the asker, then be my guest).
What turns you (me) on?
Sorry to burst your bubble. It's not playthings, unicorns, pecs and shit.
It's the way a person play with words. Okay, no blatant, caustic lewdness involved. Y'know what's ugly from what's not. It's like separating the grain from the chaff.
I love it when a person say something sarcastic, risque or generally witty using his own mock-up of profundity. A statement that sounds so literary even if it's not meant to be that way.
And yeah, I love humor. A person with an odd sense of humor is a major turn on. -xx
I met this very nice guy last night who's a teacher/instructor based in Thailand.
He is a good-looking guy who's also very smart and loves photography. Mind you, he's not that geeky smart, and the guy doesn't have any "geeky" features to boot (no glasses, no snorting, no passe clothing, etc).
Unfortunately, the guy's taken. Hell yeah, another unlucky streak. :(
Yet, I'm pretty sure he's lucky enough to have that girl 'coz she's very, very nice as well. We just met yesterday and she already gave me a checkered racerback top she got from Siam. 'Twas indeed a touching act of kindness. :P
I love thoughtful people, seriously. I mean, I appreciate the thought of giving more than the receiving. I couldn't care less about the thing being given. Okay, here goes another weakness: I love kind and thoughtful people, specially when it comes from the heart.
And who would have thought that such a lady of early 20's could have already been engaged (or married) by now?
I said, could have.
I once believed that my n-year relationship with some lad is gonna be my happily ever after. I once thought that I'm winning the game of love. I was so hopeful I'm gonna end up with the right person at the right place and time.
But then, he happens to be the wrong person. He happens to break my heart into pieces. After long, grueling yet hopeful years--the wrong person put my love and devotion to ruins.
So there, it was hurtful. Honestly, it still hurts. But, I manage to live through it day by day, rebuilding my crushed hopes.
It's been several months since we broke up. I can say I'm amid full recovery. I even discovered I'm beginning to like a few good men.
Yes, I amwasamwas particularly enamored at this guy.
The problem is, this guy. His actions are obscure and his reasons are equivocal. I deem that he doesn't really seem to like me back at all. For once, I chose to believe that he does, or did. But, things transpired lately wake me up into reality saying, "Nah. He didn't and he won't. Ever."
There goes the other lad, the shooting star. Now you see him, now you don't. He is very straightforward in putting whatever he means into words. His intentions, whatever they are, give me a great deal of confusion. Albeit, a trusted confidante tells me that he means no harm and he has good intentions. He's just, ugh, so preoccupied as of the moment.
So yes, I had a date. I get a few invitations for a date, but I just failed to attend those.
I am too fastidious.
I am too dubious.
I believe I overanalyze too much this time around.
So there goes my losing streak. In this game of love, it looks like this is my losing year.
So yeah, there goes the tidbits of my story. I will post juicier details thereafter.