29 April 2008

How about a total detach?

It's amazing how 2 days or more of detaching yourself from the virtual world and the reality can cure your temporary insanity.

I have been very ill since the inception of the breakup. For about 6 months, I tried losing myself and I just got my wish.

For about 6 months, I stopped using my brain. I thought I was thinking too much. BUT the sad truth it is, I wasn't thinking rationally because I think too much.

I must admit, I held back on thinking outside the box, on thinking what lies beneath. For days I began to question my psyche. As a matter of fact, I became more insane than before.

For now I'm trying to undo everything that I created for myself. It doesn't mean that I'm repairing myself. Being unusually kooky can be irreparable. But at least, trying to mitigate it is worth the effort.

I thought that the cause of my latest depression was because of losing a long-term relationship. It was, at first, but then I believe I was wrong. My latest depression was caused by liking someone that triggered me to end that long-term relationship yet I never seemed to admit it for the longest time. Hell yeah, I was in denial for a very long time that I was really liking someone else. Why the past tense? Oh yeah, it should be, I am liking someone else and all this time I'm trying to kill it because I don't think it's rational or moral to like someone that quick.

Because I believe that there's this fucked up, sick rule of not jumping from one relationship to another, especially if you just came from a wrecked one. I believe that liking someone involves some sort to mutualism to make it happen. And because, my brain is was so fucked up, I was ascertained to rather believe in other people's opinion that this person does not have the same feelings as I have than to believe in myself that this person and I have the same feelings. I may be right; other people may be right. But what sucked the most was some pathetic skepticism I had made me not to act on impulse and stayed frozen solid filled with nothing but more questions (doubts) than answers. Oh, that made me a gullible ignoramus.

So there, total detachment woke me up into a clean slate--a new form of reality--or some sort of my own mock-up of reality perhaps. But hey, at least, I could speak clearly for myself sans being spaced out like a moron talking like shit, waiting for the grammar Nazis to underscore my mistakes. I think I can talk coherently, and I can now clearly justify what the fuck I'm talking about at this point. I am not sure if you can get my point here. But being somewhat indubitable is a lot cooler, laying off those obsessive-compulsive, perfectionist high-level dorks who may actually appear as pompous, asinine commonplace people who got psychological problems of their own in reality.

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