28 November 2006

This is getting too old for me...

To think I thought I was wrong and felt a ton of guilt.

He said he's not an asshole like the rest. Well --- could've fooled me. Twas a pretty crass thing what he did.

I was teaching myself to trust and there he was making it stupendously difficult for me.

Like I said, I've always been a poor judge of character.

Break my heart, why don't you.

26 November 2006

A good question

Come to think of it --- he's right.

What's the point in being in it if you think its not going to last?

20 November 2006

A sense of calm

Slowly --- everything's settling in. It's alarming, somehow.

It's terrifying in a way cuz most of it seems... new.

This feeling of being safe with someone is so new that my cynical mind wants to reject it. It scares me to the point of wanting to push him away and bolt. I must be crazy. Most women would kill to be with someone who'd make them feel secure. And, here I am, resisting. Gah.

I often find myself wondering if I'm dreaming. I've grown accustomed to feeling empty and alone then suddenly there's this person who wants to be with me. ME.

Okay. That sounds a bit pathetic but, hey, most people, if not all, have their own set of insecurities. You have to admit, there are moments wherein you wonder about the same thing.

Is it possible that I can actually bring myself to open my heart to this guy? It seems that with each day I spend with him passes, I'm finding myself warming to the idea of letting him be part of my life more and more. It's scary.

I can't help but think that it's too good to be true. And I've heard it said that if that's the case, then it usually is. What if it's true? What if I'm only setting myself to getting my heart broken again? Am I ready to risk that?

I reckon, like most people, he deserves a fair chance. From experience, it's best to give them that much. He treats me right. He makes me happy --- and that's saying a lot. And he has a certain, unexplainable way of quieting my fears down. It's surreal.

Go on --- you can tell me that I'm just being idiotic and, not to mention, paranoid about the whole thing. Tsssch.

It's funny whenever I see myself writing sappy stuff. Yech. I guess you guys have to get use to it for a bit. Heehee.

04 November 2006

Holding on and holding it in

Can you possibly expel happiness in just one breath?

He never ceases to surprise me.

Good lord --- the ripple turned into a wave!

And it feels wonderful but it also feels like I'm afraid to exhale. Utter craziness, I tell you. It's the good kind, at least.

Ack. I feel like a kid with a crush. Dear me.

02 November 2006

I can handle ripples

Ripples, I say. Just them innocent, relaxing, unintrusive ripples.

I used to be this daredevil who'd jump right in the action. Now, I'm taking baby steps, sometimes, I'd even take a step or two back. It's quite a novelty, really. It's so unlike me!

I find myself frozen in place and would refuse to move --- for fear of what would happen next. Part of me wants to leap but memories mock me, the other wants to run away but hope prods me.

He makes me feel safe and uncertain at the same time.

So, yea. I'm sticking with the ripples. For now.

I'm probably just thinking too much.