23 August 2006

Lucid Introspection

It's so hard to unlearn the things that your past has taught you.

Perhaps I'm just looking at it the wrong way. Focusing my thoughts on the wrong thing. Looking for the exact same thing every time. That's probably why I always end up telling myself, "Hey, I think I've passed this way before."

Did I make sense?

Alright. I'll try to be a little less vague.

I'm not the type who sees life at just one angle. I try to keep myself open to possibilities. I've taught myself to apply empathy and apathy, accordingly. I consider myself logical and sensible. But, of course, I am still a woman, after all. We are emotional creatures. However, my head often rules over my heart --- most of the time.

If I'm going to enumerate all the emotional highs and lows in my past and, I guess, present, you'll probably react the same way as my friends do --- you'd also probably say, "God, Sash, you went through all that? How can you manage to stay so cheerful?"


You weren't really expecting an answer, right? Teehee.

Anyway, if we are to take into account the past, I've endeavoured to learn as much as I can from it so I'd stay afloat. I've become self-sufficient. And I'm no quitter. There's this unquenchable desire to see through to completion this life that was given to me. But I do have my weak moments.

But there's still much to be learnt and experienced to make it richer and fuller. Thus, going back to my original statement about unlearning things. Because it has come to my attention that there are things about me that hinder further learning --- and fully experiencing what else is out there that's meant for me, hence, the need to unlearn.

How can you not retreat into a shell so you can protect yourself from getting hurt? How can you possibly let go of the things you do to protect yourself? How can you get rid of the fear of letting any man get close to you? How can you stop hiding behind the facade and walls you have built?


There's an easy answer. Hahaha.

It's unfortunate that my heart got broken the way it did that many years ago. It's sad that I had to learn the hard way, which, of course, clearly affects how I conduct myself in situations that requires trust.

It's quite funny really. It's been 6 years and so much has happened but it's only now that I'm beginning to realise that that broken heart hasn't healed entirely. I've been piecing them back together since that time but, along the way, something always distracts me from fully accomplishing the task. It's not that I'm not over him, it's something bigger than and everything else but him.

It's just that right now I feel the changing of the tides so implicitly that I can't mistake it for anything else. It's a bit unsettling. Alright --- a lot unsettling. Because it's like I'm in the way of some immovable force. It's either I get out of its way or wait for it to hit me and just let it carry me to god knows where.

All the pre-conceived notions and other theories that I hold on to are being questioned. My stubbornness and arrogance is proving to be too taxing and insignificant tools to hold down the fort. Truth be told, it even speeds up the destruction of everything I've built. It feels like I'm being catapulted into the great unknown unarmed --- vulnerable.

I've always feared uncertainty.


  1. I guess the only way to get over uncertainty is to be certain, and being certain sometimes requires charging blindy into the fray, if only to answer questions.

    Something like that. :P

  2. Yea, Rico. I hear you. It's actually one of the things that became clear to me these past few days or weeks --- not certain --- but time is inessential anyway.

    I never thought it can be so liberating, too --- that and honesty.

    It can get messy and fucked up but, you know, it's worth it somehow. =)