Happy Anniversary

We recently celebrated our first year together. Saccarine sweetness. Heehee.

I just want to be heard

I walk the streets at night. Alone and seemingly like a ghost. I cry out and it echoes. My footsteps are heard by deaf ears.

Am I even truly alive?

I jumped. I fell. I screamed.

I was bruised but I kept at it.

Even if I am doomed to walk the streets at night. Alone and seemingly like a ghost.

I just want to be heard.

I lmte xmv

A language we call our own.

Fear of Losing and Losing the Fear

Competition. Debate. Winning. I'd dare you to argue against anything I'd say and I'd applaud your boldness. I am, after all and modesty aside, quite gifted in that arena and add the fact that I'm a woman. You can never win an argument with a woman. Or so they say.

I'm not here to flaunt tailfeathers but to come to a realisation and put it in print. I've been overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions on the matter of losing for quite sometime now. I want to shake it off.

What do you think of dreams that can only tell of my fear of losing? It's a fear so intense that I do wake up with cheeks drenched in tears. Apparently, I've been crying and a heavy feeling had settled on my chest. Completely unnerving.

It wouldn't take too much to interpret the dreams. I dread the moment that I'd lose him. And the only known manner of losing a guy is that some other person will enter our lives and take him away from me. The other woman. Pah.

Oh, yes. I've been down that road before and I bloody well know I don't want to go traipsing that way again. Traumatic.

I've been working on ways to lose the fear. Been teaching both mind and heart to trust him and the God that holds our hearts and fate. Still am. Fervently. Incessantly.

However, I paused. Light went on in my head. And then a question.

What if my fear is not caused by the thought of him leaving me but I, him? Have I said what I wanted to say? Let him know how I truly feel? Will he be able to keep with him good memories?

The answers may perhaps help determine how much I truly lost... or won.

Everyday Conversation

I don't exactly know how to describe what I'm going through right now. I just went through a lot of shit in the past few months and never expected to find love at this time. But they say, it usually comes during the least time you expect it. And I never expected it to come from the person I thought would make a great partner because he is my best friend (best friends are supposedly hands off right?).

This is definitely so different from all my past loves. The past ones were very much like a night out in town. Noisy, bizarre, smoky, with no direction. Yes, just like being in a bar and being drunk. But this is so much different.

He makes me calm. Smile. Laugh. And I know he will always be there. That's why there were no ifs or buts. Just Yes.

I've killed "You are Not the One", I'm replacing it with Conversations.

Life, after all, is a path filled up everyday with conversations.

What If

Sometimes when everything is just really going great, you just suddenly stop and think -

Is this going to last?

Now, don't get me wrong, everything is going great. Work life, family life, social life and, of course, my love life. My best friend says I'm just being anxious and paranoid of losing any of it.

Well then I should change my perspective and see this as an adventure. Throw away the worries and just enjoy the whole thing and hope for the best with no expectations.

Gulp.

Life. Sigh.

Mangled and Cast off. Good times.

I have all these emotions inside of me that I wish to express but can't. I've tried a few times but I'm often not taken seriously --- will only be labeled as a irrational and nagging bitch.

Disentangling thoughts ---

It's like a husband having a separate bank account.

"I lie but I don't cheat" can also mean you'd be lying about the not cheating part.

You don't find me attractive anymore even when I stand naked in front of you.

Dismissive. Abrupt.

My past has come back to haunt me.

They're all the same.

Assholes.

Breaking the Silence

It's been almost a month since I last made a post. Not that I've been busy, but I just had some... ummm distraction. Major distraction. Good major distraction.

I guess it really helps to declare to the world what you want. Ask and you shall receive. Well, when the time is right. And I've been busy the past month taking care of myself and my private life. Sometimes it really helps to just quiet down and look at everything from another perspective, another angle.

I found it really funny that despite the silence, hibernating and just keeping to myself, it seems that the world is conspiring to bring me out and shove me to a place where I don't wanna be in. Baah! I won't go there. I won't go that way again. I am in a happy place now and I'm staying here.

Selfish it may seem, but sometimes the best thing to do is rid yourself of all negativity and move forward from there.

Is it Really That Easy?

I always espoused that when love comes it's going to be easy. Things would just fall into place and all the noise will finally come to a stop.

Is it really that easy? I mean. You find someone. You guys fall in love. And then you plan to get married.

Wait. Wait. Hold it. Hold it!

There's a glitch here somewhere... ahhh... There's one. You are 12 hours apart by airplane (and that's a direct flight mind you) and that you'll be uprooting yourself to be with him.

Now I ask you. Is it really that easy?

Hyperventilating, Again

He asked me, "What do you want to do with me?"

I froze up, as usual. Considering that I asked the same question bluntly a few days ago, I didn't know how to answer back.

Good thing I snapped out of my catatonic state immediately and quipped, "You said we'll go with the flow and see how things go."

I was never one to hit the brakes every so often, but in the last 4 years I've been doing just that. That's because I've met a lot of shitty guys and I've come to a point that I don't believe anyone of them anymore. But this one, I dunno, the steps he's taking, he seems to be really serious.

My friends tell me that I should go for it. If I do that, I am anticipating that a lot of things will change.

Am I just being too chicken?

The Cycle

It's just funny that one minute you think the world of someone and the next minute he does something to disappoint you and POOF! Whatever it was is gone. And then you move on.

And then you see him and think back... what the hell did I see in him in the first place? It is then you see all his flaws, his faults, drawbacks and whatever thing there is not to like in him. And then you think you hate him. Is that so or is that just your bitter self lashing back?

Well, whatever it is, whatever it was, it's all behind me now and there is always no turning back for me. He has decided to hate me. So be it. My Mom also said that guys like that are definitely not worth even a single second of my time.

I have come to realize too that there is a whole world out there and much as I wished it was as easy to Google for "The One", I am sure he will find me (or has he already?).

It's been a cycle. Meeting someone, liking him, getting disappointed, getting over it... meeting someone again... I've given up! But then another one came along... so the cycle begins (I hope with no ending...).

What is Love?

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never
boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last
forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:4

I grew up with that Bible verse posted in my room. It was my sister's wall decor and I learned to live by it. I have been disappointed time and time again, but it is really much more disappointing when you are let down by a friend. Especially when he does things that are obviously hurtful. I thought he was a great person, looked up to him even, but his actions lately are just simply hurtful and disapppointing. I guess he hasn't grown up yet.

And I guess he just wanted me for very selfish reasons in the first place. Thank God his true colors came out before I got too deep.

If Things Were Perfect

.. we wouldn't find ourselves fighting most of the time.
.. my heart wouldn't be breaking right now.
.. I wouldn't be wiping tears away.
.. I'd be lying on the sands, watching the waves and holding your hand.
.. you'd be here with me, telling me you love me.

If only things were perfect but they weren't, were they?

I still find myself wanting to holding your hand anyway.

I'm done.

Sometimes, people think so highly of themselves and what they've sacrificed that they fail to see what the other has actually given up just to be with them.

I've supported his dreams. I've opened my heart to love again even when I know I can easily get hurt. And hurting is the last thing I would want to experience again.

I was hurting for three years and it wasn't fun, I tell you. It's not something I'd wish on an enemy. It's so traumatising to the point that I had a really hard time getting close to anyone, much less be in a relationship.

It was a huge risk when I decided to be with him. I'd fallen in love with him.

I had thought I'm done waiting; that I can easily breathe now. I'm wrong, so wrong.

He simply didn't get it or just didn't give a damn. He couldn't appreciate who I am and what I can offer him. He's too consumed with his own life. He can't even tell me why he loves me. That's good enough reason to base my decision on --- I'm done.

I'm turning 30 in 6 months and yes, I'm back to being single. Oh, boy. This is gonna hurt.

As if silence will make things right

I'm simply getting drained with all the arguments. Fighting can be good for relationships but, hell, if it's recurring --- to the point that we'd argue about the littlest of things --- you can't blame me if I begin to wonder on the point in all of it.

I was asked this question quite recently, "what are you doing to correct your faults, which contributes to the friction?" I remember responding but only vaguely. I have to admit, I was put on the spot.

All I said was I would try my best to adjust and find some sort of compromise. But I work best if I have someone to discuss things with.

It's been said that I'm unreasonable at times. I'm difficult to talk to esp when I'm pissed off. Sad truth is I am high maintenance, though, not materially but still high maintenance, nonetheless.

How do you deal with somebody who's badly scarred? How do you counter her suspicious nature?

I have a pretty active imagination, you see. I've observed a lot of behaviour that I can use to pattern others with in order to come up with theories, which, unless disproved, will remain true in my book even if it's purely circumstancial.

If you leave me with my own thoughts through your silence then you can throw away the chances of making things right. It's simply because I reckon a problem will not be fixed on its own.

I feel so helpless. I don't know what else to do to get through this. I can't help but ask myself, sometimes, "If this is what it's like now, what will it be like years down the road? Do I really want to be part of something that will only make me feel trapped and unloved?"

Honestly, it's something I didn't expect from someone like him. He's one of the nicest men I've ever met. Seriously. That's why I'm perplexed with what's been happening. And that's why I'm lost and uncertain of what else I can do.

I feel utterly useless.

Be Still My Heart

OMG! I thought I had you under control. But... but...

Be still!

Don't move!

Hold it!

This couldn't be happening!!!

Decision vs. Feelings

They say that when it rains, it pours.

A friend of mine said that we always go through this cycle - meet someone, fall in love, hope, then hope some more and then some more and then we find ourselves alone. I found myself in the bottom rung once again a few weeks ago and then I'm on my way up again.

But, lo and behold! Let me pause for a while and think. Why do I always find myself alone in the end? Is it because I really don't want to be with someone? Am I preventing myself from falling in love completely? Am I afraid to take the risk?

I met someone recently and after such a long time here's someone who's actually showing some care. I mean, he wants to take care of me. And I'm afraid if I let my fear overrun me once again, I might lose this opportunity again.

Which leads me to this question, is love a decision or a feeling? What do you think?

------------------
Thank you for the heartfelt welcome Sasha! It wasn't necessary, but I'm sure your fans would've been wondering who I am. Much appreciated.

My Moment with Loneliness

"You let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely --- but eventually be able to say, 'all right that was my moment with loneliness... I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well...'"

--- Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

My Prayer

Piece my heart back together, Lord.

I'm truly sorry for not listening to you.

I put my heart and life in your hands.

You know me best.

My hope is found in You.

Answer Me This.

If you say that everything you're doing is for me then why is it taking you away from me?

Meet & Welcome Charlene

I should have written this post a long time ago. I owe her that much. But I keep forgetting --- signs of getting old perhaps? Egad.

Charlene's a new friend of mine. She's one of the people I know who thoroughly enjoyed reading Truth + Travesty, yes, she read the entire blog (as far as I know). And I appreciated it to the point that I've opened this blog's doors to her.

We'd talk about love and relationships like we were born of the same mother. She seeks and finds truth amidst all the travesty.

I've been looking for women to join me here and she readily agreed when asked. I know she has a story to tell and lessons to learn, to both I'm sure this blog can cater to.

Truth + Travesty has been a great way for me to find release for all my lunatic tendencies and it has been a good way to organise my thoughts on all things love. I hope it will bring the same things to Charlene, maybe even more.

I hope you guys would give her a listen. She's willing to share her life's story to you, too.

Charlene, keep on hoping, smiling and writing cuz even the worst of things can turn out to be the best, after all.

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay!

Black & White vs. Gray

I guess we just had high expectations from each other. You cut me off the other night and I can surmiss it just means you don't want me around. And that hurt.

I thought we'd be really great friends or that there might have been something there. But you have your own principles and I just don't measure up to it.

I believe that friends all go through a period of seasoning. Misunderstandings, disappointments and all are part and parcel of it. Burning bridges should never be part of true friendships and I know you tend to do that. I know you will eventually learn that it isn't and that things are not just black and white, there's the gray area that's part of great friendships.

Well, I just wanted to say that I miss you.

Shrek

I was kinda sad over lunch, so I got myself a happy meal.

Got a myself a Shrek to serve as a constant reminder not to repeat the past three months of my life. Granted there were too many downsides, but I think it made me more seasoned and at least I know who my real friends are.

Oh well, that's life. Up and down, up and down we go. It's a crazy cycle I go through every other month. So this should be a good month coz it's been awful the past two months. Oh boy, here we go again.

I guess the happy meal worked coz I'm pretty happy right now. :)

Oh, Grow Up

I know I shouldn't be posting at this ungodly hour and considering the state I'm in, I really shouldn't.

I'm as chinky eyed as ever. I may have been crying the whole day, but I've not been depleted of my spunk. And just let me say this bit.

You think of yourself as too important. I'm sorry, but the bubble has been broken. I thought you were an awfully great person, but then they say that you'd really only know a person when they're put in crisis. And it was a crisis indeed.

You may gain the world and all its riches, but, remember, at the end of the day it's really how you relate to people that matter. Humility and caring for other people is key.

So be it.

I Give Up

All has been said, and nothing has been done.

I now fully realize that only I can truly protect myself. I know I brought this upon myself. Everyone makes bad judgments once in a while. Nobody's perfect.

It's been discussed. Dissected. Analyzed. Everyone gave their own opinion. But, you know, nobody bothered to ask if I was okay. I tried saying some things, but I was just cut off because someone wanted to say his opinion. Is this what our friendship is about?

I'm tired of this. You will probably say I'm severing so many friendships. I'm not, I just need time alone. Time with people that I can surely trust.

This will tide over, soon, maybe later. Who knows?

Well, this is goodbye, for now.

Believing, Trusting & Living on Second Chances

When I met this guy I held onto this quote,

"Once in a lifetime, you will find a special person who fills the void in your life and completes your soul. If you do, love that someone and never let go or you just might never get the chance again and lose that person forever."

Yea, I was foolish enough to believe in things like these. My views are simple, you see. I'm not the one who'd dream of a prince charming (though wouldn't mind it one bit if he turns out to be charming --- or a prince) but I long to be with someone who can share that same thought.

He may think I'm pushing him away wherein all I've ever felt is that I'm the only one holding on.

* * *
It's funny how we, sometimes, see things with full stops instead of with commas, semi-colons, or ellipses.

In this instance, I learned that life isn't a bunch of letters spanned over years of experience. It's how each finger finds its way to the next letter on the keyboard and thoughts that guide it.

I guess we all pay life the attention it had required only when we face the end of it. Sometimes, it's too late. But --- there are moments wherein it's at the nick of time. If you find yourself having experienced the latter, consider yourself fortunate. Know that you're still living on second chances. Now, you simply have got to learn to believe that you deserve it... and trust that everything will be alright.

Almost Goodbye

I know you are angry because you are disappointed over the issue. You didn't need to drive so fast to communicate that, it was quite obvious with your gestures. (And mind you, I was really scared you'd wrap the car around a post or something).

I appreciate it actually. I felt I had a knight in shining armor, but then it would be really great if you declared a stand. What's the deal?

But, you won't see me cry when you go. Because no amount of stolen glances (yes I catch you) will be enough to communicate what you should be telling me.

By the time you come back, I hope and I know I would've forgotten you by then.

Oh well, I guess it's almost time to say goodbye.

Revelations

You were so cute the other day. Acting the shocked little boy. Just goes to show you always try to see what's good in a person. But that's what really scares me because I know you'd be disappointed if you found out about it.

I didn't tell you before because I knew you'd be disappointed. I didn't know how you'd handle the whole truth. So I made a mistake. A bad judgment call and now it's being used against me. I'm not going to make any excuses for it. Shit happens and through the years I've learned to take things in stride. This is not the worst.

I'm not upset because this person is trying to ruin me. I'm upset because I saw how disappointed you were when I told you. It was exactly what I didn't want to happen.

I am not one to hide past indiscretions from someone who I think should know because I believe that you have to embrace and accept a person for what she is - past, present and future.

I guess this is the end of whatever it was that was starting to grow.

I Want Someone Like My Dad

I always ask, "How come they don't make guys like my Dad anymore?"

My Dad, he knows what he wants and he knows what to do to achieve his goal. I've never seen him hesitate for anything. The one and only time I saw him panic was when my Mom was sick.

I'd want to be with somebody who's like my dad. He might be traditional, stern, strict and old-style, but he's stable, dependable and he's loved my Mom for more than 50 years already (counting the time since they got together).

And if my Dad is not a good peg, then who is?

Am I a Cold-Hearted B----?

A guy friend asked me several times in the past week, "Aren't you flattered with all the attention you are getting?"

"No."

"Aren't you the least bit affected by any of them?"

"No."

"How come?"

I think my heart has become like stone. Cold. Freezing. Unbending. Not because I want to be that way, but it was brought about by all the disappointments I've been through. Believe me, I've been disappointed again and again and again. (Endless crap chronicled in my blog).

I do get affected, but I have learned to control my emotions. I keep it locked up and unless you look really closely, you wouldn't even notice there's something going on.

I was surprised with my friend's insight. "You need someone who will be patient enough to win your trust and your love." Precisely! I'm not one to play, and if you think otherwise, then bug off. I'm busy.

That's why whenever someone asks me, "Do you like him?" I don't reply. I will not entertain the thought, unless he starts showing something. Not because I don't want to. I just don't want to get disappointed again.

Is He More Than a Friend?

I just woke up and my sister immediately sent me a link in Blogthings to take the quiz on "Is He More Than a Friend?". So, I did.

In this day and age, it is much easier to be friends with a guy. Ya know, the platonic type, but then as I said at an earlier post, you'd always come to a point where you'd start asking - are we more than friends?

Call it girl instinct or plain sentido common, but you'd always know when it's more than friendship already. I'm not one to over-analyze situations like my crazy sister, who sifts through SMS messages like it's research data. And I usually get in trouble because I don't analyze at all - and I end up realizing things too late and end up in deep shit and the guy gone.

But then, what if he's resisting you?

Best Friends?

I just realized now that I was talking with a new guy friend ala "Sunrise, Sunset" just now. And one of the things that we talked about was, "Can a guy and a girl ever be best friends?"

I said, "Of course!"

He just raised his brow at me, obviously perplexed since he's seen firsthand that it's not true for me - well for my guy friends.

I have guy friends who consider me to be their girl best friend, that's because I do not give them hell whenever they do something stupid like break a girl's heart.

But I have to agree that it's difficult for guys and gals to be best friends. At some point either one would entertain the idea of being in love with the other person. I've been through that many times and I have guy friends who go through it the same way I do - usually ending in disaster and ruining the friendship.

I do believe though that there are friendships that are meant to be platonic, provided that both go through that "I think I'm in love" stage unscathed.

But then, there would always be the possibility and one can never take that out.

Unless he's gay.

Psychosis of Negativity

Scarred. Battered. Bruised.

My senses fall numb to further attacks. The law of survival will always prevail.

My past has made me to who I am now. Negative at times but only because I know no better. I need someone to disprove all the theories I've learned from things I've seen and experienced. Otherwise, they will continue to be the basis of how I see and know things.

Have I met a man who can tell me to jump and I would without thinking twice?
Have I met a man who can tell me the exact thing he will do?
Have I met a man who has opened his life and embraced my presence in it?

Show me that I can trust you even with the simple things and I will trust you with big ones --- my heart and my future. Tell me words that I can hold on to and I would no matter how seemingly thin and brittle they may be. Make me feel that I am a big part of your dreams, hell, your muse even.

Make me sing in rapture and dance in glee. I beg you.

But if things continue to be pragmatic and contain endless streams of action plans, I can't help but see a gray and dull future.

Tell me, have I indeed lost contact with the reality of what's positive?

Love as a War Story

My world's a bit quiet right now.

And I am smiling for no apparent reason.

Is it because I am beginning to believe that there are good guys after all?

They say only time heals old wounds. I was talking with a friend and he made me tell my war stories. I couldn't help but be sad coz I had to recount all those times I was shot dead by love. Isn't it everyone who claims to have been heartbroken says they feel they've died? I've been through too many deaths. That's why I've become cynical, jaded, distant and unbelieving that there are still good guys out there.

But, I am slowly learning that there are good guys. And maybe if there's someone patient enough then I would learn to trust again.

What is your worst war story?

I Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

A friend of mine asked me a few days ago, "How come you don't freak out when guys disrespect you. Why do you tolerate it?"

I told him I don't, I just react differently. He looked skeptical and went on to admonish me on being too friendly and accommodating. He said I should be choosy. Another guy friend also told me to be wary.

I finally found the answer. I don't tolerate these things, I just react differently. I'm not one to panic, nor do I cry over stuff that aren't worthy crying over. If something happens and I didn't like it then I would talk to that person and I would tell him straight to his face I didn't like what happened. And then expect me to be distant.

I am friendly because that's my nature. Back in college my philosophy professor asked, "What is your belief? All men are good? Or all men are intrinsically evil?" I've always believed that all men are good, and unless proven otherwise then you're fine by me.

I choose my battles. You are lucky if I give you another chance, but if I don't and you notice I'm distant. Then I'm sorry, there's no turning back.

Why Do Exes Come Running Back?

In the quest for the holy grail errr your one true love, you tend to leave a trail of exes, flings, almosts and whatever. As they say, collect and collect and then select!

But why is it everytime an ex fails in their next relationship they come running back to you? They rant, they vent, they sniffle and then expect you to console them for the loss. And one even told me, "I realized you are irreplaceable, I want you back" and then he disappears without any trace.

Amazing lah?

Losing my Sunshine

How could love be so complicated?

My married friends told me that you will just know. How come I've never felt that way? Never felt at ease, comfortable and just plain trusting.

How come guys could be such jerks? Irresponsible? And they always don't seem to know what they want. How come there aren't any guys like my Dad anymore?

Will the real men please stand up?

These are just some of the things that go through my head every single day as a singleton and I'm losing my hope, losing my sunshine.

Horoscopes, Schmoroscopes

Why am I re-posting a Horoscope reading?

Restless? Feeling the need to seek greener pastures? You're not alone. Ever since Jupiter entered Sagittarius, the sign of the traveler and the explorer, on November 23, 2006, we've all been itching to get away. You most likely have pals who've recently fled to some exotic locale or taken serious steps to find a more fulfilling career. If you're been deliberating your own move -- whether it's taking that trip to Mexico or getting an MBA -- it's crucial that you take notice of the next big astrological event: From April 5 to August 6, Jupiter is going retrograde into Sagittarius, the sign of the Archer.

What does this mean for you? Jupiter's movement through Sag means your own moving-and-shaking tendencies are sticking around. However, during the retrograde period, even the most seemingly insignificant of obstacles could throw a long-term monkey wrench into any plans you've made. Sounds sinister, but in actuality this is a positive -- not to mention cyclically natural -- opportunity for you to step back and ensure that your actions are in line with your goals. In addition, fiscal belt-tightening is in your best interest now, so think twice before maxing out your credit cards! Finances often improve when Jupiter turns direct, and new opportunities for advancement and growth will present themselves. That which is inaccessible today will prove unnecessary in the long run; further, the actual withholding will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Speaking of blessings, how you are faring romance-wise will certainly come into play during Jupiter's emotionally charged Sagittarian saga. But don't jump the gun in love just yet! To help you transform ripples into waves and shy away from impulsiveness during the touchy retrograde period...

(it's a marketing plug for some service that site has so I thought it best not to include it. Hehe.)

Retrograde? Does it mean I will regress a bit then go back to normal after a few, say, months? Or does it mean I will re-live a past? Egad. What kind of thoughts am I having. It's terrifying. Gah.

I just wanted to document this one that I got on my email... it somehow says something relevant on things that are significant in my life right now. As much as I don't believe in them horoscopes... this just caused me to pause and think since I do believe that nothing is ever an accident.

There's always a hand behind everything that transpires and reason, on time and relativity.

Thought bubble: I still can't believe I'm a Jupiter...

/shakes her head

Bite Me.

I don't want to hear your excuses. It's not like we haven't talked about it.

It's not about what I want and your need to give me what I want, just so you can claim you tried to make me happy. Think about it. Why should I ask for it if it was freely given in the first place? You may be a good guy but, tell me, why wouldn't you want to do it without being asked?

I tried to understand. I tried to see reason behind yours. I already excused the times you even refused me an answer. However, as fate would have it, I finally get it. I can't believe it, at first --- hell, I still can't, actually --- but it's sinking in.

You don't want her to know about me.

If that's love then I'll pass. Thank you, though.

P.S. You can scream/shout at me all you want. I won't hear you. (Fancy that. That's probably why you can do that to me.)

Some things never change. Gawd!

Gawd. And I mean, GAWD!

I should say I'm not surprised. He was like that before, so, I guess he didn't change that bit about himself.

Can you believe he's asking me to pay up? A 5-year old debt. Even when he said I didn't have to pay it anymore. He's singing a different tune now. Again, I say, GAWD!

Know what I said? "If you're asking me to pay, I will. I'll pay you in full." The audacity of the man is despicable. I'm astounded. After four years of silence then he's back in the picture and he starts off with financial issues! Gawd.

That certainly made me think that there's nothing to regret. Nothing at all.

Why curiosity may have just killed the cat

I know I made a mistake in adding him to my instant messaging contact list. Darnit. Why did I do such a thing? I'm no masochist. A little stupid, I guess, but I am not immune to the hurt. Hell, I even think that it haunts me at times. A plague I can't seem to shake off.

/sighs

Curiosity. Schmosity. Bleh. WTF was I thinking? I know now why it may have killed the cat. Sheesh.

No matter in what angle I try to look at the situation, I'm simply being foolish. Stupid fool. Grrr.

I just might end up hurting someone dear to me. Even without meaning to. I'm real sorry.

/sighs

Quit it and just shut up now, Sash. Heh.

Recurring Past

It's unsettling.

What is?

Seeing that the past is somewhat merging with the present. Seeing that he's around and not to mention, online, it feels, uh, unsettling.

I know it's over. I made sure that I moved on. Three years of my life was spent on it so I think I've earned every right to say that I have, indeed, moved on.

It's just weird that the guy I know (well, used to I guess) who's not into the whole online social networking scene and what not has found me and left traces of him.

He has this knack of showing up whenever I'm (desperately trying to) moving farther away from him --- seemingly like he refuses to get left behind.

It's unsettling.

Trouble with Time

What is the point in arguing over it?

It's like an endless tug-o-war --- both excerting maximum effort --- surprisingly gives us a tension that somewhat feels so brittle and yet it's not.

Learning. It requires time. Patience, needed with time. Wisdom, grows with time.

I hope that all this fuss and whinging about time is not a waste of time.

Mum is the Word

What words can best describe the suppressed disappointment?

How can you explain how your thoughts turn to the past?

How do you say you've somehow regretted?

Is it good to say you're lonely?

How can you ever tell him that inside, there's this emptiness you long to fill? Or the incessant echoes of pain?

Sometimes --- it's better not to say anything at all.