Believing Faerie Tales

Most women believe in faerie tale endings.

It's quite tragic really. You go through life believing that you are this lady that quietly lives her life and 'prince charming' will come gallantly one day to sweep you off your feet and rescue you from the gray-ness of life. You think that when he enters your life, you'll be seeing a much colourful life. The sun will shine brighter and the air will taste sweeter. And you'll think everything's... cute.

And then you grow up.

You'll finally see life for what it really is. All you can tell yourself is live it the best you can and deal.

It's either you sink --- or swim. It's entirely up to you. You now know that no one will come to 'rescue' you.

I say blame it on the romanticism presented in films and books. Writers portray love as some magical thing that can end your misery and make you believe that it will complete you. Perhaps it will and perhaps it won't. But it always comes at a price.

Here's what I think, your life is orchestrated to take away as much as it can from you. You'll be forced to think about what you now don't have, hence, you begin to long for such things. You'll spend the rest of your life searching for it since you believe that you're incomplete.

You can get lucky and find someone to complete you. Or if things don't go your way, you'd end up settling for a filler. And it doesn't end there. You now have to 'relate' --- that's a whole lot complicated than being on your own.

Why do love and relationship play an important role in our life? Is it a real need? In order to survive, all we need is food, water and shelter. Why do we concern ourselves with things apart from these 3 things anyway? Why are we built to 'need' companionship? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I just think that people should stop sugar-coating this area in life. People should start thinking that, sometimes, there's nothing poetic about it at all. There's no sonnet or song that can best define what a person goes through in search of it. It doesn't compare to the world's real problems like war, poverty and hunger. Present the facts. Stop using metaphors and hyperboles.

Just tell the friggin' story.

People should see it as it is --- a good story or a bad story. But it's still just a story with an ending --- happily ever after or not.

[No, I'm not having a bad day. Hahaha.]

Something I had to say

It's over.

It's done.

I think it's best forgotten.

I just want you to know that I truly understood what you said after reading it, like, a gazillion times on the days that followed. I had to make sure I was reading it in the manner of how I know you wrote it.

I cried a little after reading it the first time. I was a bit distraught for a few minutes that's why I couldn't say anything at first. I knew I had to make a decision because you had left it up to me. I reckon I did but I can't fully say that I have, indeed, made it.

I need time to think and weigh things.

"...carry on how we were..." you suggested.

First thought that came to mind was I want to. I like knowing you. Do I still want to? I do. Just to show you that I can be a good sport about it and that I genuinely like talking to you. You said I can still do that. I can, can't I?

However, what I'm afraid of is not getting over the feeling. With the idea of continuing to talk to you, I had to ask myself, "what if you fall for him and he doesn't?" I know I will get hurt. There will come a time when you'll meet that amazing girl and I'll find out --- I'm scared that I'll get hurt all over again.

Friends. Can I really continue on being friends with someone whom I have developed affections to? Will I, the bearer of the affection, have a healthy psychological and emotional disposition? Right now, I still don't have an answer.

I'm not entirely certain of what I should do next.

Tools of survival are now alert and are screaming at me --- "RUN! PROTECT YOURSELF! Build the walls of hatred. Focus on the negative things and just be thankful that you didn't get caught in the web so late in the game. Start believing that he's no good, not deserving, not worth all the thought and emotion."

But that's a bit unfair to you, right?

Why did I put myself out there in the first place? I think part of it was because I thought you already liked me. Silly me. I had read the signals wrong. I had put more meaning to your words than I ought. You were simply flirting and teasing and you never meant to lead me on. You were just being friendly, simple as that. So, you need not apologise. It was my fault. I'm just too damn gullible --- and foolish, too. But it was certainly nice that you did, though, so, thanks.

Anyone who would have felt less may be able to jump back in and pick up where we left off but, sadly, I realised I'm not that person. As much as I want to talk to you, I know I'll be too embarrassed to initiate it because I'll be plagued with insecurities.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you don't hear from me, it's not because I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Because I do. Really. I just need time to organise my thoughts and keep my emotions in check. I don't know how long it will take. It can be a few days or weeks but, rest assured, I'll come around.

We will carry on how we were. I promise.

Lucid Introspection

It's so hard to unlearn the things that your past has taught you.

Perhaps I'm just looking at it the wrong way. Focusing my thoughts on the wrong thing. Looking for the exact same thing every time. That's probably why I always end up telling myself, "Hey, I think I've passed this way before."

Did I make sense?

Alright. I'll try to be a little less vague.

I'm not the type who sees life at just one angle. I try to keep myself open to possibilities. I've taught myself to apply empathy and apathy, accordingly. I consider myself logical and sensible. But, of course, I am still a woman, after all. We are emotional creatures. However, my head often rules over my heart --- most of the time.

If I'm going to enumerate all the emotional highs and lows in my past and, I guess, present, you'll probably react the same way as my friends do --- you'd also probably say, "God, Sash, you went through all that? How can you manage to stay so cheerful?"

Eh.

You weren't really expecting an answer, right? Teehee.

Anyway, if we are to take into account the past, I've endeavoured to learn as much as I can from it so I'd stay afloat. I've become self-sufficient. And I'm no quitter. There's this unquenchable desire to see through to completion this life that was given to me. But I do have my weak moments.

But there's still much to be learnt and experienced to make it richer and fuller. Thus, going back to my original statement about unlearning things. Because it has come to my attention that there are things about me that hinder further learning --- and fully experiencing what else is out there that's meant for me, hence, the need to unlearn.

How can you not retreat into a shell so you can protect yourself from getting hurt? How can you possibly let go of the things you do to protect yourself? How can you get rid of the fear of letting any man get close to you? How can you stop hiding behind the facade and walls you have built?

Trust.

There's an easy answer. Hahaha.

It's unfortunate that my heart got broken the way it did that many years ago. It's sad that I had to learn the hard way, which, of course, clearly affects how I conduct myself in situations that requires trust.

It's quite funny really. It's been 6 years and so much has happened but it's only now that I'm beginning to realise that that broken heart hasn't healed entirely. I've been piecing them back together since that time but, along the way, something always distracts me from fully accomplishing the task. It's not that I'm not over him, it's something bigger than and everything else but him.

It's just that right now I feel the changing of the tides so implicitly that I can't mistake it for anything else. It's a bit unsettling. Alright --- a lot unsettling. Because it's like I'm in the way of some immovable force. It's either I get out of its way or wait for it to hit me and just let it carry me to god knows where.

All the pre-conceived notions and other theories that I hold on to are being questioned. My stubbornness and arrogance is proving to be too taxing and insignificant tools to hold down the fort. Truth be told, it even speeds up the destruction of everything I've built. It feels like I'm being catapulted into the great unknown unarmed --- vulnerable.

I've always feared uncertainty.

At Wit's End

This guy just doesn't get me. Sure, he made a few observations that hit the mark but he managed to miss "getting" a good idea of who I really am and what the fuck was going on. I desperately wanted to defend myself but decided not to. I just thought that it's pointless to expend my energy on it when I have this feeling that he's pretty darn pleased with himself for having pegged me. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a jerk about it. He was actually pretty nice and honest about the whole thing.

300% my ass. Heh. To be clear, he said that I beat around the bush and I read too much into everything.

On beating around the bush.

Isn't it normal for a girl to be less-candid when vulnerable? I was just being careful not to let him know how I feel, more than he already does anyway, especially since he has responded indifferently when he found out. And I'm trying to tip-toe around him because I don't want him to feel threatened.

On assuming too much.

How much is too much? I thought the reason behind questions, leading or not, are to find answers to either defy or validate an outstanding theory. Plus, during the instances that I have indeed "assumed", these assumptions were based on words [text] and general treatment received from the person.

Hmmm. I can't help but wonder what the hell we're doing then. Getting to know each other as friends? Hahaha. Now, that's a bit ironically funny, don't you think? [note the sarcasm]

This guy knows that I like him. He knows I wanted him to like me, too. And I'm left in the dark as to how he feels about me. All I know is he likes talking to me. Nice.

Do you see the kind of predicament I'm in? How would you feel if you were in my shoes?

I desperately wanted to understand. I want to continue on getting to know him. But he's not actually making it easy for me. To be frank, I'm scared to write these thoughts down right now cuz it may put a nail on my coffin. I wouldn't want him mad at me since I like him. So, here I am, choosing my words carefully. Heh.

Why do I even bother? Oh, yea --- because I like him. I really do. But it doesn't really matter now, does it?

I should just forget about him because he doesn't care about me and he actually said something that can be easily translated to, "No, Sasha. I'm really NOT interested in you, in fact, I'm letting you know that I'm still looking for her." It wasn't like he was being straight-forward about it, right? Well, anyway... Can you guess how I took it? Well, with just enough class [if any at all] that I can muster. Hell, it hurt a lot but what else can I do?

Ah, well. I guess I've dug my own grave. There are good risks and there are bad risks. Unfortunately, this bad one just happen to have costed a piece of my heart.

/sighs

Rip my heart out, why don't you?

It's like icing on the cake.

/dripping with sarcasm

Fine. It's like salt on a wound. Heh.

Picture the scene in the movie, Nottinghill, Julia Roberts' character was talking to Hugh Grant's character, saying the line, "After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Only, take away the glamour and hollywood-ish theme of the situation, hence, leaving a rather dull image. Still. I think you get the idea.

/sighs

Twas a difficult thing, what I did. Yes. It felt like my heart was getting ripped out of its place. I had to hold my breath several times to control my emotions because... it hurt like hell.

I'm a good sport, though.

Yea, that's me.

A sport.

5 Easy Steps to Snag A Date With Me

Well, of course, this is only for interested parties.

Step 1: Read the Job Description. If you find that you have the qualities that will best suit the position, proceed to the next step.

Step 2: Double check. I just want to know if you know what you're getting into.

Step 3: Make sure you read the fine print. That's the last warning.

Step 4: Fill out an application form. The Boyfriend Application that I got from Six Guns Blazing. Cool, eh? Feel free to attach a recent flattering photo. Uh --- well, it is nice to put a face behind the words me thinks.

Step 5: Finally, you can now send the completely filled out form and perhaps a short cover letter and the photo file to my email.

Now, these are pretty simple instructions, innit? Just so you know, it's a lighthearted list for Darren's group writing project. Hahaha.

Ecstasy

Can you hear a kiss? Taste a smile? Feel a gaze? See what's uttered?

Picture a life with mixed up senses or better --- everything so intertwined that it's this whole experience of sound, taste, sight and touch. I imagine it should be intensely fantastic.

So, can you blame me if I am in search for something like it?

I'd like to believe that finding and falling for a man with unconditional and unlimited passion is the only way to go about attaining such a state. It beats the highs of career success, joys of material things and the companies of friends or families. Tell me, is it a crime to carry such a belief?

Perhaps that's why it's a difficult endeavour to find a man to share that kind of passion with. My soul seeks the contentment of being with a kindred spirit --- an absolute union of mind, body and soul.

I hold on to this hope that it's not impossible to meet a man who is willing to offer that kiss, that smile, that gaze and tell me that he has, indeed, fallen deeply and passionately in love with me that I can't help but be amazed, grateful and accepting.

And that for me, my friends, is true ecstasy.

I've been found wanting.

I've been kicking myself mercilessly for the past few days but I've been thinking, too. I've also been writing my heart out. Uh, not totally since you haven't heard a peep from me here.

I've got my reasons.

No, I'm not telling. Heh.

But the important thing is I'm back, right? I'm feeling quite optimistic that I'm a whole lot saner now. Hehehe.

My thinking endeavour basically revolved around these thoughts ---

Why do you regret the words you've uttered?
Is it because it is not reciprocated?
There is no shame in admitting you care for someone.
Especially if it's the truth.

I must have thought about it a thousand times just to make myself remember it --- understand it. And yea, accept it.

It baffles me when I try to understand how other people, who suffer the same fate as I, can actually move forward without changing the way they think about the whole to love and be loved thing. How can you possibly expect someone to fall for you if you don't even know how to receive it.

Yes. I said, receive.

I already know that people are aware of their capacity to love. How much they can sacrifice for that other person, how much they are able to give, yada, yada, yada. But to really ask themselves if they know how to receive the love that someone may offer, is a whole different matter.

Now, I can only laugh at the people who whinge about being single. Please. You don't have the right to complain if you know that it was a choice you made. That's just bloody stupid.

Anyhoo, this is just the ramblings of a rejected soul. Hahaha. Yea, boys. Girls do get rejected, too. [If you missed it --- I was. Pffft.] So, snap out of that "poor me" state and grow some balls. Heh.

Lastly, I really appreciated what a friend told me, "You're a diamond in the rough. Something truly precious. Any man who sees that will be lucky to have you. You'll meet him one day." Awww. Melt. But then again, he is my friend, right? Hahaha.

News Bit #5

/evil grin

Nah. I changed my mind.

I wanted to put someone on the spot but like I said --- I changed my mind. Ha. See? I'm actually nice, you know. Hehehe.

Well, I just finished this series I've been doing over at Dating Dames and I just wanted to let you guys know about it. [I actually felt sad after finishing the last post yesterday! Crazy, huh?]

Anyway it's mainly for the guys but perhaps you ladies can check it, too, so you can let me know if I missed something. Hahaha.

10 Tips: Becoming A Man's Man.

Tip 1: Be Assertive
Tip 2: Get It Together
Tip 3: Have A Passionate Lifestyle
Tip 4: Be Unfazed
Tip 5: Believe In Yourself
Tip 6: Lose The Cover-Ups
Tip 7: Be A Man
Tip 8: Live The Single Life
Tip 9: Practice Carte Blanche
Tip 10: Prep Up

Well, come on --- read up! You don't know.. you just might pick up a new thing or two. Hahaha.

Cynic or Prudent?

When a friend read a bit that I wrote, he told me that I was being hard on myself. Hmmm. Curious thought. Was I? So, I merely responded, perhaps.

It caused me to mull over it, though.

I don't mean to sound so negative. I guess, it's just me giving up on thinking too much. I'm beginning to realise how wrong I've been recently and no matter how much I try to think, I can't seem to make sense of things. I'm done figuring things out. Uh --- for a bit. Well, until I learn how to be more objective, that is.

All I know right now is no one can hurt me unless I let them. Cool, eh? Hehehe.

Somewhere In Between

It's funny how I tend to lose myself in songs when I'm not thinking clearly. I guess that's what I'm good at --- filling my head with other things so I won't think about what I should be thinking about. Heh.

Right now, it's this song by Lifehouse.

I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cuz I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cuz by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cuz I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cuz I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real and just a dream

What's the point in thinking about it, anyway? It just sucks knowing I'll fuck it up no matter what I do or say. I should just shut up.

/sighs

Faux Pas

Bloody hell! I think I've gone mental.

I have this memory of doing something that's completely so not like me.

Ack.

I feel like I should bury my head under the ground just like them ostriches.

I wish I were stoned or wasted so I can blame it on that but --- I wasn't! I was completely sober! Waaaah!

OMIGOD. Please tell me I just dreamt it. omigod. omigod. omigod.

/proceeds to kick herself

Stay Away From Me

Perhaps I should have that tattoed on my forehead.

I'm a nutcase.

I try to keep in mind the stuff I've been telling my friends about this whole love thing. I really think I should listen to my own advice. Arrggh.

What have I been doing that keeps messing up my lovelife --- uh, if you can ever call it that --- because it's really pissing me off. I've become a magnet. I tend to attract guys alright. But they're the type who won't commit. What is it about me that repels them so? Am I clingy? Too bloody insecure?

Puh-leez! I've been accused of being such an intimidating woman that it will never come a surprise to friends when guys can't seem to get pass looking at me.

/sighs

Frustrating. It is! I mean, I'm not that bad. But I'm well-aware that I'm not that good either. I'm, what I'd like to think, a well-balanced person, short of being insane, maybe. Hehehe.

Am I too proud? One guy told me so. He said I tend to assume a lot of things about a person. Well --- I'm open for corrections. The question is, will you be man enough to defend yourself? I mean, it's not like I came up with that conclusion without supporting arguments. I'm not narrow-minded nor am I stupid.

Another guy said that I'm arrogant, too. But what if I tell them it's just a defence mechanism? I reckon I have every right to protect myself from guys who are out to use and *aherm* abuse me. I admit. I got burnt bad. But I know what I'm worth now so I am free to expect certain things. And that's not just being picky.

Is it wrong to think that if the guy is serious with me, he won't be easily affected by all these? I'd like to think he's built strong enough to deal with the likes of me. Besides, I'm actually pretty friendly once you get to know me anyway. Though, it will take a bit of time before I can trust you. I'm a bit, uh, suspicious of people.

I have a good reason for that. And I'm no heart-breaker. That much I know for certain.

So, if you're just out for a good time or just curious about me, I'm telling you right now --- stay away from me. Not unless you're a masochist. You'll sure get hell from me. Hahaha.

The Ally McBeal Experience

For those of you who aren't familiar with the TV series, let me tell you a bit about it. She's a lawyer that suffered a lot of love problems and the story revolved around her finding love, her dating, her losing love and throw a bit of quirky thoughts played out in a comical manner. It was addictive.

I'm sure a lot of women can relate to her experiences in the whole love, dating and relationships thingie. It's frustrating when you're trapped in this never-ending beginnings and endings. It makes you think that you're still faced with the long stretch of a road and no sign of your soulmate in sight.

Do I just continue smiling now? Tell myself that better to have known about it now than later? Or perhaps ridicule myself for being a fool?

Dammit. I hate it when this happens. Shit like this fucks up my already shaky disposition. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

Gawd. I knew it. I hate it when I'm always right. I shouldn't have written about it. Heh.

Inquietude & Perturbation

How should you go about getting to know someone who scare you to bits? I feel safe if I know he's smiling or laughing but once he becomes abrupt and stand-off-ish, well --- I guess I'm what you can call a cowering fool.

I know there's a solution to every problem especially when you've identified what that problem is. I'm not gonna say I haven't yet cuz I know --- well, I think I do anyway --- what it is. Fear of rejection. There you go.

I don't like it one bit and yet I still let it over-power me. It's quite ironic actually since I'm doing this series at Dating Dames that basically counsels the guys on how to be a little more attractive to women. I sure can use some of those advices myself but hey, who listens to their own advice anyway? Heh. I know. I'm only trying to rationalise my actions. Silly me.

/sighs

I like the guy. It's frustrating since I don't know if he likes me, too. He likes to make fun of me that's one thing I'm certain. And he definitely tries to push my buttons each time I talk to him. Grrr. His arrogance is both attractive and annoying! Gah.

Just between you and me, though, those minute conversations we have had for the past few weeks have stayed on my mind a bit longer than it should. I can't help it. They make me smile. And forget the shitty things that have been happening to me.

To be quite honest, I'm half afraid to write these thoughts down cuz the last time I did it, it got jinxed. Ah, well --- who am I kidding? That last one was doomed from the very beginning! Hahaha.

Anyway, I feel bad for this guy actually. I'm not the nicest person. I guess I can't blame him if I do find out that he doesn't like me after all.

Come join the pity party, people! Teeheehee.

Yea, I'm a tad bit depressed with good reason. Heh.