Am I a Cold-Hearted B----?

A guy friend asked me several times in the past week, "Aren't you flattered with all the attention you are getting?"

"No."

"Aren't you the least bit affected by any of them?"

"No."

"How come?"

I think my heart has become like stone. Cold. Freezing. Unbending. Not because I want to be that way, but it was brought about by all the disappointments I've been through. Believe me, I've been disappointed again and again and again. (Endless crap chronicled in my blog).

I do get affected, but I have learned to control my emotions. I keep it locked up and unless you look really closely, you wouldn't even notice there's something going on.

I was surprised with my friend's insight. "You need someone who will be patient enough to win your trust and your love." Precisely! I'm not one to play, and if you think otherwise, then bug off. I'm busy.

That's why whenever someone asks me, "Do you like him?" I don't reply. I will not entertain the thought, unless he starts showing something. Not because I don't want to. I just don't want to get disappointed again.

Is He More Than a Friend?

I just woke up and my sister immediately sent me a link in Blogthings to take the quiz on "Is He More Than a Friend?". So, I did.

In this day and age, it is much easier to be friends with a guy. Ya know, the platonic type, but then as I said at an earlier post, you'd always come to a point where you'd start asking - are we more than friends?

Call it girl instinct or plain sentido common, but you'd always know when it's more than friendship already. I'm not one to over-analyze situations like my crazy sister, who sifts through SMS messages like it's research data. And I usually get in trouble because I don't analyze at all - and I end up realizing things too late and end up in deep shit and the guy gone.

But then, what if he's resisting you?

Best Friends?

I just realized now that I was talking with a new guy friend ala "Sunrise, Sunset" just now. And one of the things that we talked about was, "Can a guy and a girl ever be best friends?"

I said, "Of course!"

He just raised his brow at me, obviously perplexed since he's seen firsthand that it's not true for me - well for my guy friends.

I have guy friends who consider me to be their girl best friend, that's because I do not give them hell whenever they do something stupid like break a girl's heart.

But I have to agree that it's difficult for guys and gals to be best friends. At some point either one would entertain the idea of being in love with the other person. I've been through that many times and I have guy friends who go through it the same way I do - usually ending in disaster and ruining the friendship.

I do believe though that there are friendships that are meant to be platonic, provided that both go through that "I think I'm in love" stage unscathed.

But then, there would always be the possibility and one can never take that out.

Unless he's gay.

Psychosis of Negativity

Scarred. Battered. Bruised.

My senses fall numb to further attacks. The law of survival will always prevail.

My past has made me to who I am now. Negative at times but only because I know no better. I need someone to disprove all the theories I've learned from things I've seen and experienced. Otherwise, they will continue to be the basis of how I see and know things.

Have I met a man who can tell me to jump and I would without thinking twice?
Have I met a man who can tell me the exact thing he will do?
Have I met a man who has opened his life and embraced my presence in it?

Show me that I can trust you even with the simple things and I will trust you with big ones --- my heart and my future. Tell me words that I can hold on to and I would no matter how seemingly thin and brittle they may be. Make me feel that I am a big part of your dreams, hell, your muse even.

Make me sing in rapture and dance in glee. I beg you.

But if things continue to be pragmatic and contain endless streams of action plans, I can't help but see a gray and dull future.

Tell me, have I indeed lost contact with the reality of what's positive?

Love as a War Story

My world's a bit quiet right now.

And I am smiling for no apparent reason.

Is it because I am beginning to believe that there are good guys after all?

They say only time heals old wounds. I was talking with a friend and he made me tell my war stories. I couldn't help but be sad coz I had to recount all those times I was shot dead by love. Isn't it everyone who claims to have been heartbroken says they feel they've died? I've been through too many deaths. That's why I've become cynical, jaded, distant and unbelieving that there are still good guys out there.

But, I am slowly learning that there are good guys. And maybe if there's someone patient enough then I would learn to trust again.

What is your worst war story?

I Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

A friend of mine asked me a few days ago, "How come you don't freak out when guys disrespect you. Why do you tolerate it?"

I told him I don't, I just react differently. He looked skeptical and went on to admonish me on being too friendly and accommodating. He said I should be choosy. Another guy friend also told me to be wary.

I finally found the answer. I don't tolerate these things, I just react differently. I'm not one to panic, nor do I cry over stuff that aren't worthy crying over. If something happens and I didn't like it then I would talk to that person and I would tell him straight to his face I didn't like what happened. And then expect me to be distant.

I am friendly because that's my nature. Back in college my philosophy professor asked, "What is your belief? All men are good? Or all men are intrinsically evil?" I've always believed that all men are good, and unless proven otherwise then you're fine by me.

I choose my battles. You are lucky if I give you another chance, but if I don't and you notice I'm distant. Then I'm sorry, there's no turning back.

Why Do Exes Come Running Back?

In the quest for the holy grail errr your one true love, you tend to leave a trail of exes, flings, almosts and whatever. As they say, collect and collect and then select!

But why is it everytime an ex fails in their next relationship they come running back to you? They rant, they vent, they sniffle and then expect you to console them for the loss. And one even told me, "I realized you are irreplaceable, I want you back" and then he disappears without any trace.

Amazing lah?

Losing my Sunshine

How could love be so complicated?

My married friends told me that you will just know. How come I've never felt that way? Never felt at ease, comfortable and just plain trusting.

How come guys could be such jerks? Irresponsible? And they always don't seem to know what they want. How come there aren't any guys like my Dad anymore?

Will the real men please stand up?

These are just some of the things that go through my head every single day as a singleton and I'm losing my hope, losing my sunshine.

Horoscopes, Schmoroscopes

Why am I re-posting a Horoscope reading?

Restless? Feeling the need to seek greener pastures? You're not alone. Ever since Jupiter entered Sagittarius, the sign of the traveler and the explorer, on November 23, 2006, we've all been itching to get away. You most likely have pals who've recently fled to some exotic locale or taken serious steps to find a more fulfilling career. If you're been deliberating your own move -- whether it's taking that trip to Mexico or getting an MBA -- it's crucial that you take notice of the next big astrological event: From April 5 to August 6, Jupiter is going retrograde into Sagittarius, the sign of the Archer.

What does this mean for you? Jupiter's movement through Sag means your own moving-and-shaking tendencies are sticking around. However, during the retrograde period, even the most seemingly insignificant of obstacles could throw a long-term monkey wrench into any plans you've made. Sounds sinister, but in actuality this is a positive -- not to mention cyclically natural -- opportunity for you to step back and ensure that your actions are in line with your goals. In addition, fiscal belt-tightening is in your best interest now, so think twice before maxing out your credit cards! Finances often improve when Jupiter turns direct, and new opportunities for advancement and growth will present themselves. That which is inaccessible today will prove unnecessary in the long run; further, the actual withholding will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Speaking of blessings, how you are faring romance-wise will certainly come into play during Jupiter's emotionally charged Sagittarian saga. But don't jump the gun in love just yet! To help you transform ripples into waves and shy away from impulsiveness during the touchy retrograde period...

(it's a marketing plug for some service that site has so I thought it best not to include it. Hehe.)

Retrograde? Does it mean I will regress a bit then go back to normal after a few, say, months? Or does it mean I will re-live a past? Egad. What kind of thoughts am I having. It's terrifying. Gah.

I just wanted to document this one that I got on my email... it somehow says something relevant on things that are significant in my life right now. As much as I don't believe in them horoscopes... this just caused me to pause and think since I do believe that nothing is ever an accident.

There's always a hand behind everything that transpires and reason, on time and relativity.

Thought bubble: I still can't believe I'm a Jupiter...

/shakes her head

Bite Me.

I don't want to hear your excuses. It's not like we haven't talked about it.

It's not about what I want and your need to give me what I want, just so you can claim you tried to make me happy. Think about it. Why should I ask for it if it was freely given in the first place? You may be a good guy but, tell me, why wouldn't you want to do it without being asked?

I tried to understand. I tried to see reason behind yours. I already excused the times you even refused me an answer. However, as fate would have it, I finally get it. I can't believe it, at first --- hell, I still can't, actually --- but it's sinking in.

You don't want her to know about me.

If that's love then I'll pass. Thank you, though.

P.S. You can scream/shout at me all you want. I won't hear you. (Fancy that. That's probably why you can do that to me.)