How about a total detach?

It's amazing how 2 days or more of detaching yourself from the virtual world and the reality can cure your temporary insanity.

I have been very ill since the inception of the breakup. For about 6 months, I tried losing myself and I just got my wish.

For about 6 months, I stopped using my brain. I thought I was thinking too much. BUT the sad truth it is, I wasn't thinking rationally because I think too much.

I must admit, I held back on thinking outside the box, on thinking what lies beneath. For days I began to question my psyche. As a matter of fact, I became more insane than before.

For now I'm trying to undo everything that I created for myself. It doesn't mean that I'm repairing myself. Being unusually kooky can be irreparable. But at least, trying to mitigate it is worth the effort.

I thought that the cause of my latest depression was because of losing a long-term relationship. It was, at first, but then I believe I was wrong. My latest depression was caused by liking someone that triggered me to end that long-term relationship yet I never seemed to admit it for the longest time. Hell yeah, I was in denial for a very long time that I was really liking someone else. Why the past tense? Oh yeah, it should be, I am liking someone else and all this time I'm trying to kill it because I don't think it's rational or moral to like someone that quick.

Because I believe that there's this fucked up, sick rule of not jumping from one relationship to another, especially if you just came from a wrecked one. I believe that liking someone involves some sort to mutualism to make it happen. And because, my brain is was so fucked up, I was ascertained to rather believe in other people's opinion that this person does not have the same feelings as I have than to believe in myself that this person and I have the same feelings. I may be right; other people may be right. But what sucked the most was some pathetic skepticism I had made me not to act on impulse and stayed frozen solid filled with nothing but more questions (doubts) than answers. Oh, that made me a gullible ignoramus.

So there, total detachment woke me up into a clean slate--a new form of reality--or some sort of my own mock-up of reality perhaps. But hey, at least, I could speak clearly for myself sans being spaced out like a moron talking like shit, waiting for the grammar Nazis to underscore my mistakes. I think I can talk coherently, and I can now clearly justify what the fuck I'm talking about at this point. I am not sure if you can get my point here. But being somewhat indubitable is a lot cooler, laying off those obsessive-compulsive, perfectionist high-level dorks who may actually appear as pompous, asinine commonplace people who got psychological problems of their own in reality.

When will I stop?

"As soon I have finally gotten over it" - brain.

"Hmmm... I don't know" - heart.

"Stop it. Both of you. I'm gonna do some office work load in a bit" - Audrey.

It's funny how these three don't seem to agree with each other. lol.

Missing first impressions.

Okay, it's been 2 hours and I'm still not doing something productive.

For 2 hours I've been:

* Stalking a long-lost childhood crush who happens to exist in a social networking site (yet as usual, the status is taken)
* Editing my social networking profile. Again. For the nth time.
* Scanning blogs. Work and Non-work related.
* Listening eternally to Keane.

***

I must admit, I'm blinded by first impressions.

I was fucked-up, smitten by chivalrous, too-good-to-be-true, gentlemanly acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. This is why, you caught my attention. I took heed in every nanosecond of concern. I wish I could have given back the same amount--tenfold.

The inanity of my cluttered noggin thwarts and hampers me from making sound decisions and resolutions.

I am always hit by skepticism.

That's why, I failed to reciprocate, IMO.

I miss the early times, for the fact that I love being taken care of. Oh, btw, I am still fucked-up smitten, though I believe the amount of giddiness has dwindled since first impressions are not built to last.

Gah. Do I still catch your attention? Me don't think so.

And the best, soundest, wisest resolution that I fin'lly and hopefully conclude is to get over it.

I am moving on.

And what works for me?

Avoidance. Non-existence.

Ah, great! Whatta lame defense mechanism.

Conundrums. And a bit of kinky talk.

I know, I know.

My head's already messed up. My actions are astonishingly stupid. My feelings are playing with me.

I always thought it's over.

I have this certain belief that I carry, basically something I thought was definitive. It's like, I don't like this person anymore, and I couldn't care less about that person.

My feelings tell me otherwise. They contradict with such belief, such programmed notion I did encode myself.

What the fuck is my problem? My feelings give me irresolvable conundrums, more like a hodgepodge of crapshit writings, even the Rosetta Stone can't possibly decipher it. It's worse than some fucked up archaic matrix-like language.

They are riddles that even The Riddler or Marilyn vos Savant would find it difficult to comprehend. Even I, myself, am unable to resolve it.

And what's more fucked up? Okay, I always make a nonchalant impression to save myself from being caught utter consciously enamored and dumbfounded. I play the coy, shy, unusually indifferent twerp.

Truth is, I get this fantasy of doing things to reach out to that person, but I always, ALWAYS wind up not doing it. Don't get me wrong. Those things are platonic and malice-free. They're just subtle, friendly acts to keep the bonding alive. But hence, the bonding's dead. It's so dead and buried 6 feet (or more) below the ground. I horribly killed it, blew all the chances and efforts way.

Which by the way, makes me a beautiful loser. lol.

***

Sometimes you're engaged with someone for a bit of naughty conversation. Well, don't picture it as if I was trying to have sex using words.

It's just a simple kinky question I sometimes choose to answer (basically I dodge this kind of conversations. But if I'm comfortable with the asker, then be my guest).

What turns you (me) on?

Sorry to burst your bubble. It's not playthings, unicorns, pecs and shit.

It's the way a person play with words. Okay, no blatant, caustic lewdness involved. Y'know what's ugly from what's not. It's like separating the grain from the chaff.

I love it when a person say something sarcastic, risque or generally witty using his own mock-up of profundity. A statement that sounds so literary even if it's not meant to be that way.

And yeah, I love humor. A person with an odd sense of humor is a major turn on. -xx

And the prospect's taken.

I met this very nice guy last night who's a teacher/instructor based in Thailand.

He is a good-looking guy who's also very smart and loves photography. Mind you, he's not that geeky smart, and the guy doesn't have any "geeky" features to boot (no glasses, no snorting, no passe clothing, etc).

Unfortunately, the guy's taken. Hell yeah, another unlucky streak. :(

Yet, I'm pretty sure he's lucky enough to have that girl 'coz she's very, very nice as well. We just met yesterday and she already gave me a checkered racerback top she got from Siam. 'Twas indeed a touching act of kindness. :P

I love thoughtful people, seriously. I mean, I appreciate the thought of giving more than the receiving. I couldn't care less about the thing being given. Okay, here goes another weakness: I love kind and thoughtful people, specially when it comes from the heart.

They make my heart thaw. :D

xx

Let's try dissecting me.

I'm ultimately boring.

I usually focus too much on one thing at a time, which is usually a very anti-social past time.

My precious gush-worthy moments always end up in tragedy.

I laugh out loud sans the care in the world. LOL like literally. And, I think it's a major turn off to see my mouth opened widely most of the time.

I am, ugh, insensitive most of the time. And, I think passively. I hate to assume too much lest it may end up the other way around and I'm gonna curse myself for being stupid.

I am a somewhat an irrational drama queen when my period's about to hit (call it PMS).

I am *sulk* not sweet. I usually stand there like a stone.

I love to talk about silly stuff, which is somewhat funny (for me).

I love cute things.

I appreciate people who look for me and care for me a lot. I love the feeling~!

I hate insensitive people. I don't bash outright, but I try to vent my anger by means of writing.

I miss childish mushy moments.

Hmm... collectively, I'm so rare that people won't care. :P

I'm on losing streak.

And who would have thought that such a lady of early 20's could have already been engaged (or married) by now?

I said, could have.

I once believed that my n-year relationship with some lad is gonna be my happily ever after. I once thought that I'm winning the game of love. I was so hopeful I'm gonna end up with the right person at the right place and time.

But then, he happens to be the wrong person. He happens to break my heart into pieces. After long, grueling yet hopeful years--the wrong person put my love and devotion to ruins.

So there, it was hurtful. Honestly, it still hurts. But, I manage to live through it day by day, rebuilding my crushed hopes.

It's been several months since we broke up. I can say I'm amid full recovery. I even discovered I'm beginning to like a few good men.

Yes, I am was am was particularly enamored at this guy.

The problem is, this guy. His actions are obscure and his reasons are equivocal. I deem that he doesn't really seem to like me back at all. For once, I chose to believe that he does, or did. But, things transpired lately wake me up into reality saying, "Nah. He didn't and he won't. Ever."

There goes the other lad, the shooting star. Now you see him, now you don't. He is very straightforward in putting whatever he means into words. His intentions, whatever they are, give me a great deal of confusion. Albeit, a trusted confidante tells me that he means no harm and he has good intentions. He's just, ugh, so preoccupied as of the moment.

So yes, I had a date. I get a few invitations for a date, but I just failed to attend those.

I am too fastidious.

I am too dubious.

I believe I overanalyze too much this time around.

So there goes my losing streak. In this game of love, it looks like this is my losing year.

So yeah, there goes the tidbits of my story. I will post juicier details thereafter.

tata for now. -xx