Idiosyncrasy

I went to bed feeling really idiotic yesterday but I woke up feeling rejuvenated and bent on correcting my folly. Ha. The cynical bitch is back. Muahahaha.

I was just bored. And that's final.

And perhaps it's me prolonging the inevitable? It's my way of not thinking, is all. Yes. Not thinking. It's a conscious effort of knowing something but moving it to the far recesses of my mind. Heh.

What am I not thinking of?

Well --- I also choose not to talk about it.

Uh-huh. This is my way of not talking about it. Hehehe.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm not that bad.

Broken

I cried.

I've programmed myself never to shed a tear. I vowed to never be vulnerable. I intended to be ice-cold. Especially around men like him. I failed. Miserably.

He opened an old wound. He made me remember. He's like a shadow I can't escape from unless I clothe myself with darkness.

I wanted to rid myself of baggages. And I did. But he succeeded in packing a new one for me. Heh. I want to hate him and, I mean, really hate him but I can't seem to bring myself to. I'm such an idiot.

He chips off a piece of my dignity each time I see him. It breaks my heart that he takes that one thing I consider precious, lightly. Yes. He broke my heart and he didn't even know it because except for that one night that he felt a tear in the darkness, I will only let him see me as unbreakable.

I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I?

Yea. Because I cried myself to sleep last night.

I already miss him?

WHAT?!?

Gah! Tell me about it. It's friggin' crazy to feel that!

So, okay... I did say he was a bit of a prick a few days back but to update you, what we had wasn't a fight at all. Well, at least it wasn't what it looked like a day or two after. We started talking again as if *nothing* happened. Heh. Tension was noticeable on the first try but talking it out made things a lot smoother. Hehehe.

Knowing that I won't be able to talk to him for a week or so kinda' bums me out. Can you imagine how I'm dealing with this? Grab every opportunity to go out and party. Just to keep my mind off of missing him. Picturing him experiencing the open road is too cool for me to do it justice. I'm actually quite envious. I can only hope he'd stay safe and *good*. Ha.

Ahem.

What's that, Sasha? You're already marking your territory? Silly thing. He's not yours so mind your own business!

Alright-y then, you can stop talking to yourself now.

Misery loves company...

I was having a great night. I just got home from a night-out with my dear friends and was looking forward to working when something shitty happened when I went online.

Quite honestly, he's just a guy that I'm only starting to get to know and I do like talking to him. He's quite a character. However, he happen to ruin a perfectly good night for me and now I can't concentrate enough to actually work. Grrr. I'm seething.

What happened, you ask? Well, this guy wasn't having a good night with valid reason. I totally understood how grave the situation was. However, he started taking his frustration out on me. I didn't want to be affected by his foul mood at first, but to insult my use of the English language? To make sarcastic comments, which were totally uncalled for? I was trying to make him feel better for crying out loud! But to make me feel as if I'm imposing on his time? Gah. Please, I've got better things to do than take all that shit. Mind you, he was the one who initiated contact and I responded because I like talking to him, not knowing that it was a bomb waiting to explode.

Oh, joy. Let's be miserable together.

Hey, you. Did you know that I come from a country that considers English as a second language? However, I happen to be considered proficient enough to profit from writing in English, we work for the same network, right?. Oh, yea --- and I am studying French, too.

And to think I started to tell my friends about this really cool guy I met online earlier this evening. Sigh. Another bubble burst. Good thing he doesn't know I like him. Heh. What are the chances of that ever blossoming now? Pffft. What a waste.

Ah, well. Like I said, a thing lost will be replaced with something way better. But in the words of one of my favourite actresses, Kate Hudson, "How can you lose someone you never had?"

Yes. Never.

Confusing Time

Okay. I'm in sort of a bind... I want out but I can't seem to bring myself to sever ties, which a lot of people seem to think I should do.

What's the dilemma? I still want us [the guy and I] to be friends. Is it a crime? Well, okay --- I know it's not but to most it seems so wrong after what he did. I already raised the topic over at a certain forum to get some more insight on the matter and they basically tell me the same thing.

Honestly, the guy and I talked about this. Surprise. Surprise. He actually wanted to talk about it after cutting me off a few times before. I have to admit, he surprised me even more when I saw that he wanted to work through it and not cover it up. However, I was pissed off at first when he started on the "I can't believe you can think that of me" route. But in the end, he said he was sorry before dropping me off.

God. I'm such a sucker for these machinations. I'm so gullible. But one thing I've learned that night was that I assume too much that it's proving to be unhealthy. A product of a traumatic burn perhaps? Maybe. It's not an excuse, though.

Sigh.

I'm just so confused. Gah.