It's official

.. I'm a fool. Heh.

I guess I learned firsthand how gullible I can get. It isn't something I'd want to feel again --- to be at the mercy of some form of truth.

WTF? some form of truth? It sounds like truth can have it's own de-militarised zone or Switzerland or something. Choose a side, for chrissake!

And I also hated the fact that there are people out there who can't do it for some reason. They, however, still want to be in the thick of things and will just feed your doubts and try to manage your own business. Pah.

But, hey, on a lighter note --- I'm doing alright. I'm choosing not to let those people and the things they say get to me.

I reckon I can accept the fact that I don't "get" men at all. I just have to live with it. Sigh.

And for the past day or two, I'd often catch myself smiling and laughing a little. I'm still a little hesitant about the whole thing but I'm giving it enough space it needs.

The wall expert

That's the beauty of building walls. If you've done it a lot of times, you can see how futile it can be for others to scale it.

Especially when you built it specifically for that other person.

Ah, well.

A friend had counselled that I should not put a lid on things. A little tacky, I know. But, hey, it does makes sense. Never been the extremist anyway.

I'm just dropping it. For now.

Stoic.

Arrggh!

This is getting sillier and sillier by the minute. Arrggh.

Why can't I just bring myself to talk to him and get it over with? It's frustrating.

Chicken.

Unhappy

So I went out with this guy.

I was utterly disappointed.

Funny that this thing happened soon after writing about getting to the second date over at Dating Dames. Gah. Judging what happened on that date, he's on the verge of becoming a non-candidate.

I guess I wasn't that special after all.

This really sucks.

I had to let these thoughts out so I can sleep. God knows I need it.

Possibilities and a question

Lately, I've been sporadically thinking of the reasons why I would need someone in my life. Why do we need to have that special someone?

I've got to admit that I do have certain expectations. But I also ask myself if they're fair because I've always believed that ample opportunities sometimes lead to certain surprises. And having leveled expectations will create a more pleasant interaction.

Okay. So, I'm being pragmatic about the whole thing, is it such a bad thing?

Fine. I reckon if you give me enough space to over-analyse the situation I just might. But, on the other hand, if you're able to sweep me off my feet --- I just might ride with it.

Ah, well. I did say, might.

Lost

I had wondered about how it might have felt to have my hand held. I had pictured the hug, the shared thoughts and birth of more private jokes.

It was silly to have even considered it.

I had wished I was wrong. My instinct is a trusted ally.

Unlike me --- it never is.

Questions, questions, questions

If only my mind would clear long enough to allow some answers to flow out.

I'm not the type of person who couldn't provide an answer to a direct question. I can tell you what you want and need to hear at a drop of a hat. Quick-witted, they call me. But, strangely, I find myself stumped. Devoid of answers.

Who would've thought I'd find myself in this kind of predicament? Me of all people! Gah. Then again, I'm known to be a lunatic so getting into strange situations shouldn't come as a surprise, really.

If I apply the principles I've set for my life, I'm going to lose something. If I don't, I'd feel like a complete fake. I reckon this battle's lost but I'm still hoping for a way out.

I'm now feeling the repercussions of my actions. Stupid, stupid. Arrggh.

All I can think of right now is how to stay afloat or, perhaps, how to ride the wind. However, on every corner, life can present another surprise --- no matter how much I think that nothing ever will.

Men are such cruel creatures.

Selfish, selfish beings.

Pah.

How can they be capable of such crass behaviour? Jerks. Insensitive humans. Ha. Humans?!

So, okay. I'm a little pissed off. This guy deserves every nasty word I'm capable of dishing out, the pompous ass. Heh.

Stay the fuck away from me, fool.

I'm shutting up now.