Most women believe in faerie tale endings.
It's quite tragic really. You go through life believing that you are this lady that quietly lives her life and 'prince charming' will come gallantly one day to sweep you off your feet and rescue you from the gray-ness of life. You think that when he enters your life, you'll be seeing a much colourful life. The sun will shine brighter and the air will taste sweeter. And you'll think everything's... cute.
And then you grow up.
You'll finally see life for what it really is. All you can tell yourself is live it the best you can and deal.
It's either you sink --- or swim. It's entirely up to you. You now know that no one will come to 'rescue' you.
I say blame it on the romanticism presented in films and books. Writers portray love as some magical thing that can end your misery and make you believe that it will complete you. Perhaps it will and perhaps it won't. But it always comes at a price.
Here's what I think, your life is orchestrated to take away as much as it can from you. You'll be forced to think about what you now don't have, hence, you begin to long for such things. You'll spend the rest of your life searching for it since you believe that you're incomplete.
You can get lucky and find someone to complete you. Or if things don't go your way, you'd end up settling for a filler. And it doesn't end there. You now have to 'relate' --- that's a whole lot complicated than being on your own.
Why do love and relationship play an important role in our life? Is it a real need? In order to survive, all we need is food, water and shelter. Why do we concern ourselves with things apart from these 3 things anyway? Why are we built to 'need' companionship? I'm still trying to figure it out.
I just think that people should stop sugar-coating this area in life. People should start thinking that, sometimes, there's nothing poetic about it at all. There's no sonnet or song that can best define what a person goes through in search of it. It doesn't compare to the world's real problems like war, poverty and hunger. Present the facts. Stop using metaphors and hyperboles.
Just tell the friggin' story.
People should see it as it is --- a good story or a bad story. But it's still just a story with an ending --- happily ever after or not.
[No, I'm not having a bad day. Hahaha.]
28 August 2006
26 August 2006
Something I had to say
It's over.
It's done.
I think it's best forgotten.
I just want you to know that I truly understood what you said after reading it, like, a gazillion times on the days that followed. I had to make sure I was reading it in the manner of how I know you wrote it.
I cried a little after reading it the first time. I was a bit distraught for a few minutes that's why I couldn't say anything at first. I knew I had to make a decision because you had left it up to me. I reckon I did but I can't fully say that I have, indeed, made it.
I need time to think and weigh things.
"...carry on how we were..." you suggested.
First thought that came to mind was I want to. I like knowing you. Do I still want to? I do. Just to show you that I can be a good sport about it and that I genuinely like talking to you. You said I can still do that. I can, can't I?
However, what I'm afraid of is not getting over the feeling. With the idea of continuing to talk to you, I had to ask myself, "what if you fall for him and he doesn't?" I know I will get hurt. There will come a time when you'll meet that amazing girl and I'll find out --- I'm scared that I'll get hurt all over again.
Friends. Can I really continue on being friends with someone whom I have developed affections to? Will I, the bearer of the affection, have a healthy psychological and emotional disposition? Right now, I still don't have an answer.
I'm not entirely certain of what I should do next.
Tools of survival are now alert and are screaming at me --- "RUN! PROTECT YOURSELF! Build the walls of hatred. Focus on the negative things and just be thankful that you didn't get caught in the web so late in the game. Start believing that he's no good, not deserving, not worth all the thought and emotion."
But that's a bit unfair to you, right?
Why did I put myself out there in the first place? I think part of it was because I thought you already liked me. Silly me. I had read the signals wrong. I had put more meaning to your words than I ought. You were simply flirting and teasing and you never meant to lead me on. You were just being friendly, simple as that. So, you need not apologise. It was my fault. I'm just too damn gullible --- and foolish, too. But it was certainly nice that you did, though, so, thanks.
Anyone who would have felt less may be able to jump back in and pick up where we left off but, sadly, I realised I'm not that person. As much as I want to talk to you, I know I'll be too embarrassed to initiate it because I'll be plagued with insecurities.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you don't hear from me, it's not because I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Because I do. Really. I just need time to organise my thoughts and keep my emotions in check. I don't know how long it will take. It can be a few days or weeks but, rest assured, I'll come around.
We will carry on how we were. I promise.
It's done.
I think it's best forgotten.
I just want you to know that I truly understood what you said after reading it, like, a gazillion times on the days that followed. I had to make sure I was reading it in the manner of how I know you wrote it.
I cried a little after reading it the first time. I was a bit distraught for a few minutes that's why I couldn't say anything at first. I knew I had to make a decision because you had left it up to me. I reckon I did but I can't fully say that I have, indeed, made it.
I need time to think and weigh things.
"...carry on how we were..." you suggested.
First thought that came to mind was I want to. I like knowing you. Do I still want to? I do. Just to show you that I can be a good sport about it and that I genuinely like talking to you. You said I can still do that. I can, can't I?
However, what I'm afraid of is not getting over the feeling. With the idea of continuing to talk to you, I had to ask myself, "what if you fall for him and he doesn't?" I know I will get hurt. There will come a time when you'll meet that amazing girl and I'll find out --- I'm scared that I'll get hurt all over again.
Friends. Can I really continue on being friends with someone whom I have developed affections to? Will I, the bearer of the affection, have a healthy psychological and emotional disposition? Right now, I still don't have an answer.
I'm not entirely certain of what I should do next.
Tools of survival are now alert and are screaming at me --- "RUN! PROTECT YOURSELF! Build the walls of hatred. Focus on the negative things and just be thankful that you didn't get caught in the web so late in the game. Start believing that he's no good, not deserving, not worth all the thought and emotion."
But that's a bit unfair to you, right?
Why did I put myself out there in the first place? I think part of it was because I thought you already liked me. Silly me. I had read the signals wrong. I had put more meaning to your words than I ought. You were simply flirting and teasing and you never meant to lead me on. You were just being friendly, simple as that. So, you need not apologise. It was my fault. I'm just too damn gullible --- and foolish, too. But it was certainly nice that you did, though, so, thanks.
Anyone who would have felt less may be able to jump back in and pick up where we left off but, sadly, I realised I'm not that person. As much as I want to talk to you, I know I'll be too embarrassed to initiate it because I'll be plagued with insecurities.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you don't hear from me, it's not because I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Because I do. Really. I just need time to organise my thoughts and keep my emotions in check. I don't know how long it will take. It can be a few days or weeks but, rest assured, I'll come around.
We will carry on how we were. I promise.
23 August 2006
Lucid Introspection
It's so hard to unlearn the things that your past has taught you.
Perhaps I'm just looking at it the wrong way. Focusing my thoughts on the wrong thing. Looking for the exact same thing every time. That's probably why I always end up telling myself, "Hey, I think I've passed this way before."
Did I make sense?
Alright. I'll try to be a little less vague.
I'm not the type who sees life at just one angle. I try to keep myself open to possibilities. I've taught myself to apply empathy and apathy, accordingly. I consider myself logical and sensible. But, of course, I am still a woman, after all. We are emotional creatures. However, my head often rules over my heart --- most of the time.
If I'm going to enumerate all the emotional highs and lows in my past and, I guess, present, you'll probably react the same way as my friends do --- you'd also probably say, "God, Sash, you went through all that? How can you manage to stay so cheerful?"
Eh.
You weren't really expecting an answer, right? Teehee.
Anyway, if we are to take into account the past, I've endeavoured to learn as much as I can from it so I'd stay afloat. I've become self-sufficient. And I'm no quitter. There's this unquenchable desire to see through to completion this life that was given to me. But I do have my weak moments.
But there's still much to be learnt and experienced to make it richer and fuller. Thus, going back to my original statement about unlearning things. Because it has come to my attention that there are things about me that hinder further learning --- and fully experiencing what else is out there that's meant for me, hence, the need to unlearn.
How can you not retreat into a shell so you can protect yourself from getting hurt? How can you possibly let go of the things you do to protect yourself? How can you get rid of the fear of letting any man get close to you? How can you stop hiding behind the facade and walls you have built?
Trust.
There's an easy answer. Hahaha.
It's unfortunate that my heart got broken the way it did that many years ago. It's sad that I had to learn the hard way, which, of course, clearly affects how I conduct myself in situations that requires trust.
It's quite funny really. It's been 6 years and so much has happened but it's only now that I'm beginning to realise that that broken heart hasn't healed entirely. I've been piecing them back together since that time but, along the way, something always distracts me from fully accomplishing the task. It's not that I'm not over him, it's something bigger than and everything else but him.
It's just that right now I feel the changing of the tides so implicitly that I can't mistake it for anything else. It's a bit unsettling. Alright --- a lot unsettling. Because it's like I'm in the way of some immovable force. It's either I get out of its way or wait for it to hit me and just let it carry me to god knows where.
All the pre-conceived notions and other theories that I hold on to are being questioned. My stubbornness and arrogance is proving to be too taxing and insignificant tools to hold down the fort. Truth be told, it even speeds up the destruction of everything I've built. It feels like I'm being catapulted into the great unknown unarmed --- vulnerable.
I've always feared uncertainty.
Perhaps I'm just looking at it the wrong way. Focusing my thoughts on the wrong thing. Looking for the exact same thing every time. That's probably why I always end up telling myself, "Hey, I think I've passed this way before."
Did I make sense?
Alright. I'll try to be a little less vague.
I'm not the type who sees life at just one angle. I try to keep myself open to possibilities. I've taught myself to apply empathy and apathy, accordingly. I consider myself logical and sensible. But, of course, I am still a woman, after all. We are emotional creatures. However, my head often rules over my heart --- most of the time.
If I'm going to enumerate all the emotional highs and lows in my past and, I guess, present, you'll probably react the same way as my friends do --- you'd also probably say, "God, Sash, you went through all that? How can you manage to stay so cheerful?"
Eh.
You weren't really expecting an answer, right? Teehee.
Anyway, if we are to take into account the past, I've endeavoured to learn as much as I can from it so I'd stay afloat. I've become self-sufficient. And I'm no quitter. There's this unquenchable desire to see through to completion this life that was given to me. But I do have my weak moments.
But there's still much to be learnt and experienced to make it richer and fuller. Thus, going back to my original statement about unlearning things. Because it has come to my attention that there are things about me that hinder further learning --- and fully experiencing what else is out there that's meant for me, hence, the need to unlearn.
How can you not retreat into a shell so you can protect yourself from getting hurt? How can you possibly let go of the things you do to protect yourself? How can you get rid of the fear of letting any man get close to you? How can you stop hiding behind the facade and walls you have built?
Trust.
There's an easy answer. Hahaha.
It's unfortunate that my heart got broken the way it did that many years ago. It's sad that I had to learn the hard way, which, of course, clearly affects how I conduct myself in situations that requires trust.
It's quite funny really. It's been 6 years and so much has happened but it's only now that I'm beginning to realise that that broken heart hasn't healed entirely. I've been piecing them back together since that time but, along the way, something always distracts me from fully accomplishing the task. It's not that I'm not over him, it's something bigger than and everything else but him.
It's just that right now I feel the changing of the tides so implicitly that I can't mistake it for anything else. It's a bit unsettling. Alright --- a lot unsettling. Because it's like I'm in the way of some immovable force. It's either I get out of its way or wait for it to hit me and just let it carry me to god knows where.
All the pre-conceived notions and other theories that I hold on to are being questioned. My stubbornness and arrogance is proving to be too taxing and insignificant tools to hold down the fort. Truth be told, it even speeds up the destruction of everything I've built. It feels like I'm being catapulted into the great unknown unarmed --- vulnerable.
I've always feared uncertainty.
21 August 2006
At Wit's End
This guy just doesn't get me. Sure, he made a few observations that hit the mark but he managed to miss "getting" a good idea of who I really am and what the fuck was going on. I desperately wanted to defend myself but decided not to. I just thought that it's pointless to expend my energy on it when I have this feeling that he's pretty darn pleased with himself for having pegged me. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a jerk about it. He was actually pretty nice and honest about the whole thing.
300% my ass. Heh. To be clear, he said that I beat around the bush and I read too much into everything.
Hmmm. I can't help but wonder what the hell we're doing then. Getting to know each other as friends? Hahaha. Now, that's a bit ironically funny, don't you think? [note the sarcasm]
This guy knows that I like him. He knows I wanted him to like me, too. And I'm left in the dark as to how he feels about me. All I know is he likes talking to me. Nice.
Do you see the kind of predicament I'm in? How would you feel if you were in my shoes?
I desperately wanted to understand. I want to continue on getting to know him. But he's not actually making it easy for me. To be frank, I'm scared to write these thoughts down right now cuz it may put a nail on my coffin. I wouldn't want him mad at me since I like him. So, here I am, choosing my words carefully. Heh.
Why do I even bother? Oh, yea --- because I like him. I really do. But it doesn't really matter now, does it?
I should just forget about him because he doesn't care about me and he actually said something that can be easily translated to, "No, Sasha. I'm really NOT interested in you, in fact, I'm letting you know that I'm still looking for her." It wasn't like he was being straight-forward about it, right? Well, anyway... Can you guess how I took it? Well, with just enough class [if any at all] that I can muster. Hell, it hurt a lot but what else can I do?
Ah, well. I guess I've dug my own grave. There are good risks and there are bad risks. Unfortunately, this bad one just happen to have costed a piece of my heart.
/sighs
300% my ass. Heh. To be clear, he said that I beat around the bush and I read too much into everything.
On beating around the bush.
Isn't it normal for a girl to be less-candid when vulnerable? I was just being careful not to let him know how I feel, more than he already does anyway, especially since he has responded indifferently when he found out. And I'm trying to tip-toe around him because I don't want him to feel threatened.
On assuming too much.
How much is too much? I thought the reason behind questions, leading or not, are to find answers to either defy or validate an outstanding theory. Plus, during the instances that I have indeed "assumed", these assumptions were based on words [text] and general treatment received from the person.
Hmmm. I can't help but wonder what the hell we're doing then. Getting to know each other as friends? Hahaha. Now, that's a bit ironically funny, don't you think? [note the sarcasm]
This guy knows that I like him. He knows I wanted him to like me, too. And I'm left in the dark as to how he feels about me. All I know is he likes talking to me. Nice.
Do you see the kind of predicament I'm in? How would you feel if you were in my shoes?
I desperately wanted to understand. I want to continue on getting to know him. But he's not actually making it easy for me. To be frank, I'm scared to write these thoughts down right now cuz it may put a nail on my coffin. I wouldn't want him mad at me since I like him. So, here I am, choosing my words carefully. Heh.
Why do I even bother? Oh, yea --- because I like him. I really do. But it doesn't really matter now, does it?
I should just forget about him because he doesn't care about me and he actually said something that can be easily translated to, "No, Sasha. I'm really NOT interested in you, in fact, I'm letting you know that I'm still looking for her." It wasn't like he was being straight-forward about it, right? Well, anyway... Can you guess how I took it? Well, with just enough class [if any at all] that I can muster. Hell, it hurt a lot but what else can I do?
Ah, well. I guess I've dug my own grave. There are good risks and there are bad risks. Unfortunately, this bad one just happen to have costed a piece of my heart.
/sighs
19 August 2006
Rip my heart out, why don't you?
It's like icing on the cake.
/dripping with sarcasm
Fine. It's like salt on a wound. Heh.
Picture the scene in the movie, Nottinghill, Julia Roberts' character was talking to Hugh Grant's character, saying the line, "After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Only, take away the glamour and hollywood-ish theme of the situation, hence, leaving a rather dull image. Still. I think you get the idea.
/sighs
Twas a difficult thing, what I did. Yes. It felt like my heart was getting ripped out of its place. I had to hold my breath several times to control my emotions because... it hurt like hell.
I'm a good sport, though.
Yea, that's me.
A sport.
/dripping with sarcasm
Fine. It's like salt on a wound. Heh.
Picture the scene in the movie, Nottinghill, Julia Roberts' character was talking to Hugh Grant's character, saying the line, "After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Only, take away the glamour and hollywood-ish theme of the situation, hence, leaving a rather dull image. Still. I think you get the idea.
/sighs
Twas a difficult thing, what I did. Yes. It felt like my heart was getting ripped out of its place. I had to hold my breath several times to control my emotions because... it hurt like hell.
I'm a good sport, though.
Yea, that's me.
A sport.
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