Something I had to say

It's over.

It's done.

I think it's best forgotten.

I just want you to know that I truly understood what you said after reading it, like, a gazillion times on the days that followed. I had to make sure I was reading it in the manner of how I know you wrote it.

I cried a little after reading it the first time. I was a bit distraught for a few minutes that's why I couldn't say anything at first. I knew I had to make a decision because you had left it up to me. I reckon I did but I can't fully say that I have, indeed, made it.

I need time to think and weigh things.

"...carry on how we were..." you suggested.

First thought that came to mind was I want to. I like knowing you. Do I still want to? I do. Just to show you that I can be a good sport about it and that I genuinely like talking to you. You said I can still do that. I can, can't I?

However, what I'm afraid of is not getting over the feeling. With the idea of continuing to talk to you, I had to ask myself, "what if you fall for him and he doesn't?" I know I will get hurt. There will come a time when you'll meet that amazing girl and I'll find out --- I'm scared that I'll get hurt all over again.

Friends. Can I really continue on being friends with someone whom I have developed affections to? Will I, the bearer of the affection, have a healthy psychological and emotional disposition? Right now, I still don't have an answer.

I'm not entirely certain of what I should do next.

Tools of survival are now alert and are screaming at me --- "RUN! PROTECT YOURSELF! Build the walls of hatred. Focus on the negative things and just be thankful that you didn't get caught in the web so late in the game. Start believing that he's no good, not deserving, not worth all the thought and emotion."

But that's a bit unfair to you, right?

Why did I put myself out there in the first place? I think part of it was because I thought you already liked me. Silly me. I had read the signals wrong. I had put more meaning to your words than I ought. You were simply flirting and teasing and you never meant to lead me on. You were just being friendly, simple as that. So, you need not apologise. It was my fault. I'm just too damn gullible --- and foolish, too. But it was certainly nice that you did, though, so, thanks.

Anyone who would have felt less may be able to jump back in and pick up where we left off but, sadly, I realised I'm not that person. As much as I want to talk to you, I know I'll be too embarrassed to initiate it because I'll be plagued with insecurities.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you don't hear from me, it's not because I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Because I do. Really. I just need time to organise my thoughts and keep my emotions in check. I don't know how long it will take. It can be a few days or weeks but, rest assured, I'll come around.

We will carry on how we were. I promise.