When will I stop?

"As soon I have finally gotten over it" - brain.

"Hmmm... I don't know" - heart.

"Stop it. Both of you. I'm gonna do some office work load in a bit" - Audrey.

It's funny how these three don't seem to agree with each other. lol.

Missing first impressions.

Okay, it's been 2 hours and I'm still not doing something productive.

For 2 hours I've been:

* Stalking a long-lost childhood crush who happens to exist in a social networking site (yet as usual, the status is taken)
* Editing my social networking profile. Again. For the nth time.
* Scanning blogs. Work and Non-work related.
* Listening eternally to Keane.

***

I must admit, I'm blinded by first impressions.

I was fucked-up, smitten by chivalrous, too-good-to-be-true, gentlemanly acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. This is why, you caught my attention. I took heed in every nanosecond of concern. I wish I could have given back the same amount--tenfold.

The inanity of my cluttered noggin thwarts and hampers me from making sound decisions and resolutions.

I am always hit by skepticism.

That's why, I failed to reciprocate, IMO.

I miss the early times, for the fact that I love being taken care of. Oh, btw, I am still fucked-up smitten, though I believe the amount of giddiness has dwindled since first impressions are not built to last.

Gah. Do I still catch your attention? Me don't think so.

And the best, soundest, wisest resolution that I fin'lly and hopefully conclude is to get over it.

I am moving on.

And what works for me?

Avoidance. Non-existence.

Ah, great! Whatta lame defense mechanism.

Conundrums. And a bit of kinky talk.

I know, I know.

My head's already messed up. My actions are astonishingly stupid. My feelings are playing with me.

I always thought it's over.

I have this certain belief that I carry, basically something I thought was definitive. It's like, I don't like this person anymore, and I couldn't care less about that person.

My feelings tell me otherwise. They contradict with such belief, such programmed notion I did encode myself.

What the fuck is my problem? My feelings give me irresolvable conundrums, more like a hodgepodge of crapshit writings, even the Rosetta Stone can't possibly decipher it. It's worse than some fucked up archaic matrix-like language.

They are riddles that even The Riddler or Marilyn vos Savant would find it difficult to comprehend. Even I, myself, am unable to resolve it.

And what's more fucked up? Okay, I always make a nonchalant impression to save myself from being caught utter consciously enamored and dumbfounded. I play the coy, shy, unusually indifferent twerp.

Truth is, I get this fantasy of doing things to reach out to that person, but I always, ALWAYS wind up not doing it. Don't get me wrong. Those things are platonic and malice-free. They're just subtle, friendly acts to keep the bonding alive. But hence, the bonding's dead. It's so dead and buried 6 feet (or more) below the ground. I horribly killed it, blew all the chances and efforts way.

Which by the way, makes me a beautiful loser. lol.

***

Sometimes you're engaged with someone for a bit of naughty conversation. Well, don't picture it as if I was trying to have sex using words.

It's just a simple kinky question I sometimes choose to answer (basically I dodge this kind of conversations. But if I'm comfortable with the asker, then be my guest).

What turns you (me) on?

Sorry to burst your bubble. It's not playthings, unicorns, pecs and shit.

It's the way a person play with words. Okay, no blatant, caustic lewdness involved. Y'know what's ugly from what's not. It's like separating the grain from the chaff.

I love it when a person say something sarcastic, risque or generally witty using his own mock-up of profundity. A statement that sounds so literary even if it's not meant to be that way.

And yeah, I love humor. A person with an odd sense of humor is a major turn on. -xx

And the prospect's taken.

I met this very nice guy last night who's a teacher/instructor based in Thailand.

He is a good-looking guy who's also very smart and loves photography. Mind you, he's not that geeky smart, and the guy doesn't have any "geeky" features to boot (no glasses, no snorting, no passe clothing, etc).

Unfortunately, the guy's taken. Hell yeah, another unlucky streak. :(

Yet, I'm pretty sure he's lucky enough to have that girl 'coz she's very, very nice as well. We just met yesterday and she already gave me a checkered racerback top she got from Siam. 'Twas indeed a touching act of kindness. :P

I love thoughtful people, seriously. I mean, I appreciate the thought of giving more than the receiving. I couldn't care less about the thing being given. Okay, here goes another weakness: I love kind and thoughtful people, specially when it comes from the heart.

They make my heart thaw. :D

xx

Let's try dissecting me.

I'm ultimately boring.

I usually focus too much on one thing at a time, which is usually a very anti-social past time.

My precious gush-worthy moments always end up in tragedy.

I laugh out loud sans the care in the world. LOL like literally. And, I think it's a major turn off to see my mouth opened widely most of the time.

I am, ugh, insensitive most of the time. And, I think passively. I hate to assume too much lest it may end up the other way around and I'm gonna curse myself for being stupid.

I am a somewhat an irrational drama queen when my period's about to hit (call it PMS).

I am *sulk* not sweet. I usually stand there like a stone.

I love to talk about silly stuff, which is somewhat funny (for me).

I love cute things.

I appreciate people who look for me and care for me a lot. I love the feeling~!

I hate insensitive people. I don't bash outright, but I try to vent my anger by means of writing.

I miss childish mushy moments.

Hmm... collectively, I'm so rare that people won't care. :P