I'm on losing streak.

And who would have thought that such a lady of early 20's could have already been engaged (or married) by now?

I said, could have.

I once believed that my n-year relationship with some lad is gonna be my happily ever after. I once thought that I'm winning the game of love. I was so hopeful I'm gonna end up with the right person at the right place and time.

But then, he happens to be the wrong person. He happens to break my heart into pieces. After long, grueling yet hopeful years--the wrong person put my love and devotion to ruins.

So there, it was hurtful. Honestly, it still hurts. But, I manage to live through it day by day, rebuilding my crushed hopes.

It's been several months since we broke up. I can say I'm amid full recovery. I even discovered I'm beginning to like a few good men.

Yes, I am was am was particularly enamored at this guy.

The problem is, this guy. His actions are obscure and his reasons are equivocal. I deem that he doesn't really seem to like me back at all. For once, I chose to believe that he does, or did. But, things transpired lately wake me up into reality saying, "Nah. He didn't and he won't. Ever."

There goes the other lad, the shooting star. Now you see him, now you don't. He is very straightforward in putting whatever he means into words. His intentions, whatever they are, give me a great deal of confusion. Albeit, a trusted confidante tells me that he means no harm and he has good intentions. He's just, ugh, so preoccupied as of the moment.

So yes, I had a date. I get a few invitations for a date, but I just failed to attend those.

I am too fastidious.

I am too dubious.

I believe I overanalyze too much this time around.

So there goes my losing streak. In this game of love, it looks like this is my losing year.

So yeah, there goes the tidbits of my story. I will post juicier details thereafter.

tata for now. -xx

Happy Anniversary

We recently celebrated our first year together. Saccarine sweetness. Heehee.

I just want to be heard

I walk the streets at night. Alone and seemingly like a ghost. I cry out and it echoes. My footsteps are heard by deaf ears.

Am I even truly alive?

I jumped. I fell. I screamed.

I was bruised but I kept at it.

Even if I am doomed to walk the streets at night. Alone and seemingly like a ghost.

I just want to be heard.

I lmte xmv

A language we call our own.

Fear of Losing and Losing the Fear

Competition. Debate. Winning. I'd dare you to argue against anything I'd say and I'd applaud your boldness. I am, after all and modesty aside, quite gifted in that arena and add the fact that I'm a woman. You can never win an argument with a woman. Or so they say.

I'm not here to flaunt tailfeathers but to come to a realisation and put it in print. I've been overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions on the matter of losing for quite sometime now. I want to shake it off.

What do you think of dreams that can only tell of my fear of losing? It's a fear so intense that I do wake up with cheeks drenched in tears. Apparently, I've been crying and a heavy feeling had settled on my chest. Completely unnerving.

It wouldn't take too much to interpret the dreams. I dread the moment that I'd lose him. And the only known manner of losing a guy is that some other person will enter our lives and take him away from me. The other woman. Pah.

Oh, yes. I've been down that road before and I bloody well know I don't want to go traipsing that way again. Traumatic.

I've been working on ways to lose the fear. Been teaching both mind and heart to trust him and the God that holds our hearts and fate. Still am. Fervently. Incessantly.

However, I paused. Light went on in my head. And then a question.

What if my fear is not caused by the thought of him leaving me but I, him? Have I said what I wanted to say? Let him know how I truly feel? Will he be able to keep with him good memories?

The answers may perhaps help determine how much I truly lost... or won.