Fear of Losing and Losing the Fear

Competition. Debate. Winning. I'd dare you to argue against anything I'd say and I'd applaud your boldness. I am, after all and modesty aside, quite gifted in that arena and add the fact that I'm a woman. You can never win an argument with a woman. Or so they say.

I'm not here to flaunt tailfeathers but to come to a realisation and put it in print. I've been overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions on the matter of losing for quite sometime now. I want to shake it off.

What do you think of dreams that can only tell of my fear of losing? It's a fear so intense that I do wake up with cheeks drenched in tears. Apparently, I've been crying and a heavy feeling had settled on my chest. Completely unnerving.

It wouldn't take too much to interpret the dreams. I dread the moment that I'd lose him. And the only known manner of losing a guy is that some other person will enter our lives and take him away from me. The other woman. Pah.

Oh, yes. I've been down that road before and I bloody well know I don't want to go traipsing that way again. Traumatic.

I've been working on ways to lose the fear. Been teaching both mind and heart to trust him and the God that holds our hearts and fate. Still am. Fervently. Incessantly.

However, I paused. Light went on in my head. And then a question.

What if my fear is not caused by the thought of him leaving me but I, him? Have I said what I wanted to say? Let him know how I truly feel? Will he be able to keep with him good memories?

The answers may perhaps help determine how much I truly lost... or won.

Everyday Conversation

I don't exactly know how to describe what I'm going through right now. I just went through a lot of shit in the past few months and never expected to find love at this time. But they say, it usually comes during the least time you expect it. And I never expected it to come from the person I thought would make a great partner because he is my best friend (best friends are supposedly hands off right?).

This is definitely so different from all my past loves. The past ones were very much like a night out in town. Noisy, bizarre, smoky, with no direction. Yes, just like being in a bar and being drunk. But this is so much different.

He makes me calm. Smile. Laugh. And I know he will always be there. That's why there were no ifs or buts. Just Yes.

I've killed "You are Not the One", I'm replacing it with Conversations.

Life, after all, is a path filled up everyday with conversations.

What If

Sometimes when everything is just really going great, you just suddenly stop and think -

Is this going to last?

Now, don't get me wrong, everything is going great. Work life, family life, social life and, of course, my love life. My best friend says I'm just being anxious and paranoid of losing any of it.

Well then I should change my perspective and see this as an adventure. Throw away the worries and just enjoy the whole thing and hope for the best with no expectations.

Gulp.

Life. Sigh.

Mangled and Cast off. Good times.

I have all these emotions inside of me that I wish to express but can't. I've tried a few times but I'm often not taken seriously --- will only be labeled as a irrational and nagging bitch.

Disentangling thoughts ---

It's like a husband having a separate bank account.

"I lie but I don't cheat" can also mean you'd be lying about the not cheating part.

You don't find me attractive anymore even when I stand naked in front of you.

Dismissive. Abrupt.

My past has come back to haunt me.

They're all the same.

Assholes.

Breaking the Silence

It's been almost a month since I last made a post. Not that I've been busy, but I just had some... ummm distraction. Major distraction. Good major distraction.

I guess it really helps to declare to the world what you want. Ask and you shall receive. Well, when the time is right. And I've been busy the past month taking care of myself and my private life. Sometimes it really helps to just quiet down and look at everything from another perspective, another angle.

I found it really funny that despite the silence, hibernating and just keeping to myself, it seems that the world is conspiring to bring me out and shove me to a place where I don't wanna be in. Baah! I won't go there. I won't go that way again. I am in a happy place now and I'm staying here.

Selfish it may seem, but sometimes the best thing to do is rid yourself of all negativity and move forward from there.