Truth + Travesty

Dream Notes: L - 20Nov2011

2011-11-21T17:45:00.001+10:30

I found you seated on the couch at the family den when I came out of my room. "What were you doing in my house?" I had asked myself, suppressing all the possible alarming answers I dared not hope to be true.

In my surprise, I had called out your name with a question mark twice as if to check whether I was dreaming that you were really there and 'twas your voice I had heard.

It seems too much to handle at some point that I had closed my eyes to gather my wits. Torn between the misery of the mysterious visit and the bliss of you.

Yet the irony of it all was that when I did finally open my eyes, I knew I had dreamt it all.

Certainly, I didn't expect I'd dream of you.

10.29 Post-Corona

2011-11-05T06:11:00.001+10:30

In a drunken stupor I scream amidst the defining sounds. I'd rather wish I'm there with you.

Passing thoughts, Pt 1

2011-11-04T08:28:00.001+10:30

Perhaps I'm meant to be with someone who will walk me to my door.

Have we met?

2011-10-14T04:00:00.001+10:30

Someone told me a long time ago that we have. Yet here I am, seemingly finding it hard to believe that I had taken little notice of our encounter and forgotten.

Have we truly met?

I wish I paid enough attention.

Stonewalled

2011-09-29T22:42:00.001+09:30

"I didn't know you can write," he said.

"Uh, yea --" she started to say, "my parents made sure I grew up literate."

Well done, Sherlock.

Er, hi..?

2011-09-22T06:32:00.001+09:30

Toying with the idea.. Why not? This might just be the sort of thing I need right now.

So, armed with a number of crazy anecdotes and entertaining stories -- part idiotic, part skilled genius, haha -- that I've collected over the past couple of years, I'm sort of back.

Yes, it's still bloody silly.

There is Rhyme and Reason

2009-08-22T04:46:00.003+09:30

So I met someone who captured my interest. Attractive and smart. Friendly, too.

It was the first time after a long while that I was glued to where I was. Wanting to savour the opportunity of spending time getting to know this guy. I remember actually talking to myself as I tried to settle on a decision. I knew I had to leave real soon but I so wanted to stay and see where it'll go.

But he's off limits.

Twas only later on that I had pieced things together. A friend saw him first and had already told me about him. And that's that.

It was great meeting him though. Looking back, things made sense. It's true. Everything happens for a reason.

Strength

2009-02-16T07:26:00.004+10:30

"I'm walking away." I said. "I'm walking away because I don't know how to respond to what you've just said. It came suddenly --- perhaps too late. I don't know. I guess that's why I need to walk away. I need to figure it out."

Missing

2009-02-13T00:42:00.003+10:30

I saw you.

I paused.

I looked --- and, I mean, really looked.

Memories so sweet and warm started to trickle in.

I then knew it's time.

Move on to the next photo, please.

But it doesn't change one fact.

I miss you.

And I blame that darn cupid.

Makes me want to swear off Valentine's for good. Pah.

One Crush, Two Crush

2009-01-26T03:31:00.004+10:30

Been a while since I smiled like this. Been a while since I melted in a pair of eyes. Been a while since I thought of you. Been a while since I blushed like a schoolgirl.

These trips to Australia ushers in a multitude of coincidences. I can only laugh at the silliness. But, one thing's for sure, it certainly makes my so-called love life a whole lot more interestingly colourful.

Re-runs and predictable tactics. It feels like all I need to do is sit back and simply watch everything unfold.

Lightness

2008-12-03T13:09:00.004+10:30

Do you really have to rely on candlelit dinners to achieve romance?

Lightness.

It wouldn't have been the same, otherwise.

Photos: Copyright © 2008 Sasha Manuel

If I Were A Boy

2008-11-07T00:07:00.003+10:30

Heard it the first time today. Loved it.

Listen here:

Check out the official music video.

..be a better man.

Inhale. Exhale. LOL.

Let's Start Over

2008-10-28T12:15:00.003+10:30

Hi, my name's Sasha.

How are you today?

Oh, yes. Here we go again.

ROFL.

Omigod. I can't seem to stop giggling!

Where I Stood

2008-07-18T02:36:00.005+09:30

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me
It's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
And I found myself listening

Cuz I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should

Cuz she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand Where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

Cuz I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should

Cuz she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand Where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

Cuz I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should

Cuz she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand Where I stood

She who dares to stand where I stood

*** Missy Higgins, Where I Stood

I know you well enough not to stand in your way.

Apologise

2008-07-11T13:54:00.002+09:30

"..I'm hearing what you're saying but I just can't make a sound.."

Fin

2008-07-05T22:16:00.002+09:30

ta vie telle que tu la connais est finie. Et il ne sera plus jamais la même..

Demise.

2008-06-05T12:35:00.003+09:30

Death is inevitable.

It's something that we'd face soon.

Someone just did. :'(

And the grief ain't sinking in, not just yet.

Another DABDA experience for the family.

Senility: A Slow and Painful Death.

2008-06-04T11:06:00.005+09:30

Not every heartbreak is caused by a wrecked love life.

Fact is, there are certain circumstances that transpire to our lives make us feel insecure, or worse, miserable. There's this imminent fear that gives us this unbearable heartache and despondence.

One thing that I fear most is losing a loved one.

It's not that I'm morbid or something. I know this person I endear most is already way past old age. Consider 70 as the number. Recently, the person got sick. It's heart-breaking to see this person complaining about his/her tortuous back pain first thing in the morning. I'm not really used to wake up during AM specially if I don't have work on such day, but the wailing shatters me from my slumber.

People tend to get sicker and sicker as they grow old. I guess, it's because of old age that every body part begins to malfunction. Bones begin to brittle. Organs begin to fail. Carcinogens begin to multiply. The immune system begins to shut down which makes them more susceptible to infection than their heydays.

Causes may be idiopathic. But heck, of course, it's brought by senility.

Senility is a slow and painful death. :'(

Worry no more, the person is okay for now. The doctor didn't find something chronic. Now, I can breathe easier.

Why do I watch TV too much lately?

2008-05-30T11:54:00.005+09:30

Hey, how about drawing some inspiration from what you watch?

I said to myself. I have been spending some alone time lately, well not because of me getting so emo or me trying to fix a broken heart. It's just I got lazy of going out or reaching out to people coz I'm so dead-busy. That's why I need to take a break and detach from the world for a little while. ;)

Yeah right, you can consider the aforementioned reasons to be true. Hence, I guess I got so stressed that I wanna spend my whole day at home, mostly lying on the bed taking a breather.

To cut the crap, here are the characters/TV personalities I love:

Dr. Gregory House - the modern "Sherlock". I love witty people who use deductive reasoning (in this case, in a differential diagnosis) to solve something. His immature, cynical attitude is rather funny. He's a mean jerk, loves insulting people and rationalizing everything even the unexplained according to "his" own doctrine. Oh well, he's so smart, he's too good for words. :P

Jesse Spencer - the one who plays Dr. Chase in House MD series. Jesse Spencer's such a looker. I love his Aussie accent to boot.

David Cook - I've never been an AI fan. :P Yet, watching David Cook perform til the finale is heart-melting. I super love his somewhat husky voice, his "grunge" looks (like Cobain's) and the way he sings/performs on the stage. Haay, the cuteness factor is mesmerizing.

Gil Grissom - I love him when he looks curious. Another Sherlock in the making. He looks like a deadpan emotionless person and more into philosophical/theological beliefs.

Tony Parker - I only watch NBA because of him. Ha-ha, San Antonio Spurs has a looker. Eva Longoria must be so lucky.

Oh well, I'm still in search for more series and for more personalities. The TV and the DVD player must be complaining.

Do preferences matter?

2008-05-28T10:54:00.010+09:30

I seem to be doing pretty well and feeling pretty fine after some woeful state of emotional plight. Amidst all heartaches and breakups (and breakouts. lol.) that annoy me greatly, I have found myself a new predilection--watching something worth learning for. Okay, so it may seem to be emotionally unpleasant since the protagonist is a cynic and a misanthrope. Translation? He's one heck of an apathetic jerk! Nevertheless, I like him...like a lot!

There are so many wonderful traits I really admire. Like, I am really attracted to nice people, someone who can treat people with utmost respect and appreciates them 24/7. Don't get me wrong, 24/7 is hella metaphor! :P I used to be attracted to someone who cares, respects and appreciates me most of the time. I guess I'm not fond of a looker, someone who looks or dresses in a gorgeous manner.

I got involved in geeks, in Christians, in nice and simple people. Little did I know is that there's so much to this preference that one person cannot be perfectly nice alone. I should've realized to take heed of my aversions. But then, nobody's perfect. So I guess, it's a matter of trying to live up with such aversion. :)

So, do preferences matter? Yes and No. Yes, because I am able to have this cheat sheet, a blueprint that guides me throughout all this dating and getting-to-know-you thingy. No, because sometimes going through this list may be bias. Hell, it doesn't mean that a great looking person cannot be nice or smart at all. It also doesn't mean that an average-looking John Doe who thinks big like Isaac Newton (a genius god-fearing person, for instance) is really a perfectly nice and down-to-earth person at all. Here comes the actual stereotyping, which can really, really be bad and may backfire to a very revolting choice in return.

Lesson learned: Preferences are helpful guides that lead along the way, not cutthroat rules to adamantly follow.

I'm not stupid.

2008-05-27T11:16:00.003+09:30

Disclaimer: This is not love life per se. It has nothing to do with my previous posts. ;) Nevertheless, it has something to do with a person.

I can read between the lines. Oftentimes, I play "innocent".

But, bear in mind that I'm not stupid. And if this reticence still persists, do you think I couldn't care less?

Try me. I can be a sociopath should you think so.

Ouch

2008-05-25T07:43:00.001+09:30

That's all I can muster up to say.

How about a total detach?

2008-04-29T10:44:00.004+09:30

It's amazing how 2 days or more of detaching yourself from the virtual world and the reality can cure your temporary insanity.

I have been very ill since the inception of the breakup. For about 6 months, I tried losing myself and I just got my wish.

For about 6 months, I stopped using my brain. I thought I was thinking too much. BUT the sad truth it is, I wasn't thinking rationally because I think too much.

I must admit, I held back on thinking outside the box, on thinking what lies beneath. For days I began to question my psyche. As a matter of fact, I became more insane than before.

For now I'm trying to undo everything that I created for myself. It doesn't mean that I'm repairing myself. Being unusually kooky can be irreparable. But at least, trying to mitigate it is worth the effort.

I thought that the cause of my latest depression was because of losing a long-term relationship. It was, at first, but then I believe I was wrong. My latest depression was caused by liking someone that triggered me to end that long-term relationship yet I never seemed to admit it for the longest time. Hell yeah, I was in denial for a very long time that I was really liking someone else. Why the past tense? Oh yeah, it should be, I am liking someone else and all this time I'm trying to kill it because I don't think it's rational or moral to like someone that quick.

Because I believe that there's this fucked up, sick rule of not jumping from one relationship to another, especially if you just came from a wrecked one. I believe that liking someone involves some sort to mutualism to make it happen. And because, my brain is was so fucked up, I was ascertained to rather believe in other people's opinion that this person does not have the same feelings as I have than to believe in myself that this person and I have the same feelings. I may be right; other people may be right. But what sucked the most was some pathetic skepticism I had made me not to act on impulse and stayed frozen solid filled with nothing but more questions (doubts) than answers. Oh, that made me a gullible ignoramus.

So there, total detachment woke me up into a clean slate--a new form of reality--or some sort of my own mock-up of reality perhaps. But hey, at least, I could speak clearly for myself sans being spaced out like a moron talking like shit, waiting for the grammar Nazis to underscore my mistakes. I think I can talk coherently, and I can now clearly justify what the fuck I'm talking about at this point. I am not sure if you can get my point here. But being somewhat indubitable is a lot cooler, laying off those obsessive-compulsive, perfectionist high-level dorks who may actually appear as pompous, asinine commonplace people who got psychological problems of their own in reality.

When will I stop?

2008-04-25T12:12:00.003+09:30

"As soon I have finally gotten over it" - brain.

"Hmmm... I don't know" - heart.

"Stop it. Both of you. I'm gonna do some office work load in a bit" - Audrey.

It's funny how these three don't seem to agree with each other. lol.

Missing first impressions.

2008-04-24T12:37:00.007+09:30

Okay, it's been 2 hours and I'm still not doing something productive.

For 2 hours I've been:

* Stalking a long-lost childhood crush who happens to exist in a social networking site (yet as usual, the status is taken)
* Editing my social networking profile. Again. For the nth time.
* Scanning blogs. Work and Non-work related.
* Listening eternally to Keane.

***

I must admit, I'm blinded by first impressions.

I was fucked-up, smitten by chivalrous, too-good-to-be-true, gentlemanly acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. This is why, you caught my attention. I took heed in every nanosecond of concern. I wish I could have given back the same amount--tenfold.

The inanity of my cluttered noggin thwarts and hampers me from making sound decisions and resolutions.

I am always hit by skepticism.

That's why, I failed to reciprocate, IMO.

I miss the early times, for the fact that I love being taken care of. Oh, btw, I am still fucked-up smitten, though I believe the amount of giddiness has dwindled since first impressions are not built to last.

Gah. Do I still catch your attention? Me don't think so.

And the best, soundest, wisest resolution that I fin'lly and hopefully conclude is to get over it.

I am moving on.

And what works for me?

Avoidance. Non-existence.

Ah, great! Whatta lame defense mechanism.

Conundrums. And a bit of kinky talk.

2008-04-23T14:58:00.007+09:30

I know, I know.

My head's already messed up. My actions are astonishingly stupid. My feelings are playing with me.

I always thought it's over.

I have this certain belief that I carry, basically something I thought was definitive. It's like, I don't like this person anymore, and I couldn't care less about that person.

My feelings tell me otherwise. They contradict with such belief, such programmed notion I did encode myself.

What the fuck is my problem? My feelings give me irresolvable conundrums, more like a hodgepodge of crapshit writings, even the Rosetta Stone can't possibly decipher it. It's worse than some fucked up archaic matrix-like language.

They are riddles that even The Riddler or Marilyn vos Savant would find it difficult to comprehend. Even I, myself, am unable to resolve it.

And what's more fucked up? Okay, I always make a nonchalant impression to save myself from being caught utter consciously enamored and dumbfounded. I play the coy, shy, unusually indifferent twerp.

Truth is, I get this fantasy of doing things to reach out to that person, but I always, ALWAYS wind up not doing it. Don't get me wrong. Those things are platonic and malice-free. They're just subtle, friendly acts to keep the bonding alive. But hence, the bonding's dead. It's so dead and buried 6 feet (or more) below the ground. I horribly killed it, blew all the chances and efforts way.

Which by the way, makes me a beautiful loser. lol.

***

Sometimes you're engaged with someone for a bit of naughty conversation. Well, don't picture it as if I was trying to have sex using words.

It's just a simple kinky question I sometimes choose to answer (basically I dodge this kind of conversations. But if I'm comfortable with the asker, then be my guest).

What turns you (me) on?

Sorry to burst your bubble. It's not playthings, unicorns, pecs and shit.

It's the way a person play with words. Okay, no blatant, caustic lewdness involved. Y'know what's ugly from what's not. It's like separating the grain from the chaff.

I love it when a person say something sarcastic, risque or generally witty using his own mock-up of profundity. A statement that sounds so literary even if it's not meant to be that way.

And yeah, I love humor. A person with an odd sense of humor is a major turn on. -xx

And the prospect's taken.

2008-04-17T10:39:00.004+09:30

I met this very nice guy last night who's a teacher/instructor based in Thailand.

He is a good-looking guy who's also very smart and loves photography. Mind you, he's not that geeky smart, and the guy doesn't have any "geeky" features to boot (no glasses, no snorting, no passe clothing, etc).

Unfortunately, the guy's taken. Hell yeah, another unlucky streak. :(

Yet, I'm pretty sure he's lucky enough to have that girl 'coz she's very, very nice as well. We just met yesterday and she already gave me a checkered racerback top she got from Siam. 'Twas indeed a touching act of kindness. :P

I love thoughtful people, seriously. I mean, I appreciate the thought of giving more than the receiving. I couldn't care less about the thing being given. Okay, here goes another weakness: I love kind and thoughtful people, specially when it comes from the heart.

They make my heart thaw. :D

xx

Let's try dissecting me.

2008-04-11T17:22:00.003+09:30

I'm ultimately boring.

I usually focus too much on one thing at a time, which is usually a very anti-social past time.

My precious gush-worthy moments always end up in tragedy.

I laugh out loud sans the care in the world. LOL like literally. And, I think it's a major turn off to see my mouth opened widely most of the time.

I am, ugh, insensitive most of the time. And, I think passively. I hate to assume too much lest it may end up the other way around and I'm gonna curse myself for being stupid.

I am a somewhat an irrational drama queen when my period's about to hit (call it PMS).

I am *sulk* not sweet. I usually stand there like a stone.

I love to talk about silly stuff, which is somewhat funny (for me).

I love cute things.

I appreciate people who look for me and care for me a lot. I love the feeling~!

I hate insensitive people. I don't bash outright, but I try to vent my anger by means of writing.

I miss childish mushy moments.

Hmm... collectively, I'm so rare that people won't care. :P

I'm on losing streak.

2008-04-08T14:16:00.005+09:30

And who would have thought that such a lady of early 20's could have already been engaged (or married) by now?

I said, could have.

I once believed that my n-year relationship with some lad is gonna be my happily ever after. I once thought that I'm winning the game of love. I was so hopeful I'm gonna end up with the right person at the right place and time.

But then, he happens to be the wrong person. He happens to break my heart into pieces. After long, grueling yet hopeful years--the wrong person put my love and devotion to ruins.

So there, it was hurtful. Honestly, it still hurts. But, I manage to live through it day by day, rebuilding my crushed hopes.

It's been several months since we broke up. I can say I'm amid full recovery. I even discovered I'm beginning to like a few good men.

Yes, I am ~~was~~ am was particularly enamored at this guy.

The problem is, this guy. His actions are obscure and his reasons are equivocal. I deem that he doesn't really seem to like me back at all. For once, I chose to believe that he does, or did. But, things transpired lately wake me up into reality saying, "Nah. He didn't and he won't. Ever."

There goes the other lad, the shooting star. Now you see him, now you don't. He is very straightforward in putting whatever he means into words. His intentions, whatever they are, give me a great deal of confusion. Albeit, a trusted confidante tells me that he means no harm and he has good intentions. He's just, ugh, so preoccupied as of the moment.

So yes, I had a date. I get a few invitations for a date, but I just failed to attend those.

I am too fastidious.

I am too dubious.

I believe I overanalyze too much this time around.

So there goes my losing streak. In this game of love, it looks like this is my losing year.

So yeah, there goes the tidbits of my story. I will post juicier details thereafter.

tata for now. -xx

Happy Anniversary

2007-11-17T17:14:00.000+10:30

We recently celebrated our first year together. Saccarine sweetness. Heehee.

I just want to be heard

2007-10-19T21:52:00.000+09:30

I walk the streets at night. Alone and seemingly like a ghost. I cry out and it echoes. My footsteps are heard by deaf ears.

Am I even truly alive?

I jumped. I fell. I screamed.

I was bruised but I kept at it.

Even if I am doomed to walk the streets at night. Alone and seemingly like a ghost.

I just want to be heard.

I lmte xmv

2007-10-15T02:39:00.000+09:30

A language we call our own.

Fear of Losing and Losing the Fear

2007-10-03T06:50:00.000+09:30

Competition. Debate. Winning. I'd dare you to argue against anything I'd say and I'd applaud your boldness. I am, after all and modesty aside, quite gifted in that arena and add the fact that I'm a woman. You can never win an argument with a woman. Or so they say.

I'm not here to flaunt tailfeathers but to come to a realisation and put it in print. I've been overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions on the matter of losing for quite sometime now. I want to shake it off.

What do you think of dreams that can only tell of my fear of losing? It's a fear so intense that I do wake up with cheeks drenched in tears. Apparently, I've been crying and a heavy feeling had settled on my chest. Completely unnerving.

It wouldn't take too much to interpret the dreams. I dread the moment that I'd lose him. And the only known manner of losing a guy is that some other person will enter our lives and take him away from me. The other woman. Pah.

Oh, yes. I've been down that road before and I bloody well know I don't want to go traipsing that way again. Traumatic.

I've been working on ways to lose the fear. Been teaching both mind and heart to trust him and the God that holds our hearts and fate. Still am. Fervently. Incessantly.

However, I paused. Light went on in my head. And then a question.

What if my fear is not caused by the thought of him leaving me but I, him? Have I said what I wanted to say? Let him know how I truly feel? Will he be able to keep with him good memories?

The answers may perhaps help determine how much I truly lost... or won.

Everyday Conversation

2007-09-29T23:39:00.000+09:30

I don't exactly know how to describe what I'm going through right now. I just went through a lot of shit in the past few months and never expected to find love at this time. But they say, it usually comes during the least time you expect it. And I never expected it to come from the person I thought would make a great partner because he is my best friend (best friends are supposedly hands off right?).

This is definitely so different from all my past loves. The past ones were very much like a night out in town. Noisy, bizarre, smoky, with no direction. Yes, just like being in a bar and being drunk. But this is so much different.

He makes me calm. Smile. Laugh. And I know he will always be there. That's why there were no ifs or buts. Just Yes.

I've killed "You are Not the One", I'm replacing it with Conversations.

Life, after all, is a path filled up everyday with conversations.

What If

2007-08-22T03:37:00.000+09:30

Sometimes when everything is just really going great, you just suddenly stop and think -

Is this going to last?

Now, don't get me wrong, everything is going great. Work life, family life, social life and, of course, my love life. My best friend says I'm just being anxious and paranoid of losing any of it.

Well then I should change my perspective and see this as an adventure. Throw away the worries and just enjoy the whole thing and hope for the best with no expectations.

Gulp.

Life. Sigh.

Mangled and Cast off. Good times.

2007-08-14T12:20:00.000+09:30

I have all these emotions inside of me that I wish to express but can't. I've tried a few times but I'm often not taken seriously --- will only be labeled as a irrational and nagging bitch.

Disentangling thoughts ---

It's like a husband having a separate bank account.

"I lie but I don't cheat" can also mean you'd be lying about the not cheating part.

You don't find me attractive anymore even when I stand naked in front of you.

Dismissive. Abrupt.

My past has come back to haunt me.

They're all the same.

Assholes.

Breaking the Silence

2007-08-08T18:23:00.000+09:30

It's been almost a month since I last made a post. Not that I've been busy, but I just had some... ummm distraction. Major distraction. Good major distraction.

I guess it really helps to declare to the world what you want. Ask and you shall receive. Well, when the time is right. And I've been busy the past month taking care of myself and my private life. Sometimes it really helps to just quiet down and look at everything from another perspective, another angle.

I found it really funny that despite the silence, hibernating and just keeping to myself, it seems that the world is conspiring to bring me out and shove me to a place where I don't wanna be in. Baah! I won't go there. I won't go that way again. I am in a happy place now and I'm staying here.

Selfish it may seem, but sometimes the best thing to do is rid yourself of all negativity and move forward from there.

Is it Really That Easy?

2007-07-12T13:57:00.000+09:30

I always espoused that when love comes it's going to be easy. Things would just fall into place and all the noise will finally come to a stop.

Is it really that easy? I mean. You find someone. You guys fall in love. And then you plan to get married.

Wait. Wait. Hold it. Hold it!

There's a glitch here somewhere... ahhh... There's one. You are 12 hours apart by airplane (and that's a direct flight mind you) and that you'll be uprooting yourself to be with him.

Now I ask you. Is it really that easy?

Hyperventilating, Again

2007-07-06T13:49:00.000+09:30

He asked me, "What do you want to do with me?"

I froze up, as usual. Considering that I asked the same question bluntly a few days ago, I didn't know how to answer back.

Good thing I snapped out of my catatonic state immediately and quipped, "You said we'll go with the flow and see how things go."

I was never one to hit the brakes every so often, but in the last 4 years I've been doing just that. That's because I've met a lot of shitty guys and I've come to a point that I don't believe anyone of them anymore. But this one, I dunno, the steps he's taking, he seems to be really serious.

My friends tell me that I should go for it. If I do that, I am anticipating that a lot of things will change.

Am I just being too chicken?

The Cycle

2007-07-06T00:58:00.000+09:30

It's just funny that one minute you think the world of someone and the next minute he does something to disappoint you and POOF! Whatever it was is gone. And then you move on.

And then you see him and think back... what the hell did I see in him in the first place? It is then you see all his flaws, his faults, drawbacks and whatever thing there is not to like in him. And then you think you hate him. Is that so or is that just your bitter self lashing back?

Well, whatever it is, whatever it was, it's all behind me now and there is always no turning back for me. He has decided to hate me. So be it. My Mom also said that guys like that are definitely not worth even a single second of my time.

I have come to realize too that there is a whole world out there and much as I wished it was as easy to Google for "The One", I am sure he will find me (or has he already?).

It's been a cycle. Meeting someone, liking him, getting disappointed, getting over it... meeting someone again... I've given up! But then another one came along... so the cycle begins (I hope with no ending...).

What is Love?

2007-06-23T11:12:00.001+09:30

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never
boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last
forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:4

I grew up with that Bible verse posted in my room. It was my sister's wall decor and I learned to live by it. I have been disappointed time and time again, but it is really much more disappointing when you are let down by a friend. Especially when he does things that are obviously hurtful. I thought he was a great person, looked up to him even, but his actions lately are just simply hurtful and disapppointing. I guess he hasn't grown up yet.

And I guess he just wanted me for very selfish reasons in the first place. Thank God his true colors came out before I got too deep.

If Things Were Perfect

2007-06-23T03:12:00.000+09:30

.. we wouldn't find ourselves fighting most of the time.
.. my heart wouldn't be breaking right now.
.. I wouldn't be wiping tears away.
.. I'd be lying on the sands, watching the waves and holding your hand.
.. you'd be here with me, telling me you love me.

If only things were perfect but they weren't, were they?

I still find myself wanting to holding your hand anyway.

I'm done.

2007-06-22T03:56:00.000+09:30

Sometimes, people think so highly of themselves and what they've sacrificed that they fail to see what the other has actually given up just to be with them.

I've supported his dreams. I've opened my heart to love again even when I know I can easily get hurt. And hurting is the last thing I would want to experience again.

I was hurting for three years and it wasn't fun, I tell you. It's not something I'd wish on an enemy. It's so traumatising to the point that I had a really hard time getting close to anyone, much less be in a relationship.

It was a huge risk when I decided to be with him. I'd fallen in love with him.

I had thought I'm done waiting; that I can easily breathe now. I'm wrong, so wrong.

He simply didn't get it or just didn't give a damn. He couldn't appreciate who I am and what I can offer him. He's too consumed with his own life. He can't even tell me why he loves me. That's good enough reason to base my decision on --- I'm done.

I'm turning 30 in 6 months and yes, I'm back to being single. Oh, boy. This is gonna hurt.

As if silence will make things right

2007-06-21T16:00:00.000+09:30

I'm simply getting drained with all the arguments. Fighting can be good for relationships but, hell, if it's recurring --- to the point that we'd argue about the littlest of things --- you can't blame me if I begin to wonder on the point in all of it.

I was asked this question quite recently, "what are you doing to correct your faults, which contributes to the friction?" I remember responding but only vaguely. I have to admit, I was put on the spot.

All I said was I would try my best to adjust and find some sort of compromise. But I work best if I have someone to discuss things with.

It's been said that I'm unreasonable at times. I'm difficult to talk to esp when I'm pissed off. Sad truth is I am high maintenance, though, not materially but still high maintenance, nonetheless.

How do you deal with somebody who's badly scarred? How do you counter her suspicious nature?

I have a pretty active imagination, you see. I've observed a lot of behaviour that I can use to pattern others with in order to come up with theories, which, unless disproved, will remain true in my book even if it's purely circumstancial.

If you leave me with my own thoughts through your silence then you can throw away the chances of making things right. It's simply because I reckon a problem will not be fixed on its own.

I feel so helpless. I don't know what else to do to get through this. I can't help but ask myself, sometimes, "If this is what it's like now, what will it be like years down the road? Do I really want to be part of something that will only make me feel trapped and unloved?"

Honestly, it's something I didn't expect from someone like him. He's one of the nicest men I've ever met. Seriously. That's why I'm perplexed with what's been happening. And that's why I'm lost and uncertain of what else I can do.

I feel utterly useless.

Be Still My Heart

2007-06-12T17:12:00.000+09:30

OMG! I thought I had you under control. But... but...

Be still!

Don't move!

Hold it!

This couldn't be happening!!!

Decision vs. Feelings

2007-06-07T17:52:00.000+09:30

They say that when it rains, it pours.

A friend of mine said that we always go through this cycle - meet someone, fall in love, hope, then hope some more and then some more and then we find ourselves alone. I found myself in the bottom rung once again a few weeks ago and then I'm on my way up again.

But, lo and behold! Let me pause for a while and think. Why do I always find myself alone in the end? Is it because I really don't want to be with someone? Am I preventing myself from falling in love completely? Am I afraid to take the risk?

I met someone recently and after such a long time here's someone who's actually showing some care. I mean, he wants to take care of me. And I'm afraid if I let my fear overrun me once again, I might lose this opportunity again.

Which leads me to this question, is love a decision or a feeling? What do you think?

------------------
Thank you for the heartfelt welcome Sasha! It wasn't necessary, but I'm sure your fans would've been wondering who I am. Much appreciated.

My Moment with Loneliness

2007-06-06T01:35:00.000+09:30

"You let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely --- but eventually be able to say, 'all right that was my moment with loneliness... I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well...'"

--- Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

My Prayer

2007-06-05T11:47:00.000+09:30

Piece my heart back together, Lord.

I'm truly sorry for not listening to you.

I put my heart and life in your hands.

You know me best.

My hope is found in You.

Answer Me This.

2007-06-05T09:02:00.000+09:30

If you say that everything you're doing is for me then why is it taking you away from me?

Meet & Welcome Charlene

2007-06-04T08:48:00.000+09:30

I should have written this post a long time ago. I owe her that much. But I keep forgetting --- signs of getting old perhaps? Egad.

Charlene's a new friend of mine. She's one of the people I know who thoroughly enjoyed reading Truth + Travesty, yes, she read the entire blog (as far as I know). And I appreciated it to the point that I've opened this blog's doors to her.

We'd talk about love and relationships like we were born of the same mother. She seeks and finds truth amidst all the travesty.

I've been looking for women to join me here and she readily agreed when asked. I know she has a story to tell and lessons to learn, to both I'm sure this blog can cater to.

Truth + Travesty has been a great way for me to find release for all my lunatic tendencies and it has been a good way to organise my thoughts on all things love. I hope it will bring the same things to Charlene, maybe even more.

I hope you guys would give her a listen. She's willing to share her life's story to you, too.

Charlene, keep on hoping, smiling and writing cuz even the worst of things can turn out to be the best, after all.

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay!

Black & White vs. Gray

2007-05-29T13:03:00.000+09:30

I guess we just had high expectations from each other. You cut me off the other night and I can surmiss it just means you don't want me around. And that hurt.

I thought we'd be really great friends or that there might have been something there. But you have your own principles and I just don't measure up to it.

I believe that friends all go through a period of seasoning. Misunderstandings, disappointments and all are part and parcel of it. Burning bridges should never be part of true friendships and I know you tend to do that. I know you will eventually learn that it isn't and that things are not just black and white, there's the gray area that's part of great friendships.

Well, I just wanted to say that I miss you.

Shrek

2007-05-23T21:34:00.000+09:30

I was kinda sad over lunch, so I got myself a happy meal.

Got a myself a Shrek to serve as a constant reminder not to repeat the past three months of my life. Granted there were too many downsides, but I think it made me more seasoned and at least I know who my real friends are.

Oh well, that's life. Up and down, up and down we go. It's a crazy cycle I go through every other month. So this should be a good month coz it's been awful the past two months. Oh boy, here we go again.

I guess the happy meal worked coz I'm pretty happy right now. :)

Oh, Grow Up

2007-05-17T05:19:00.000+09:30

I know I shouldn't be posting at this ungodly hour and considering the state I'm in, I really shouldn't.

I'm as chinky eyed as ever. I may have been crying the whole day, but I've not been depleted of my spunk. And just let me say this bit.

You think of yourself as too important. I'm sorry, but the bubble has been broken. I thought you were an awfully great person, but then they say that you'd really only know a person when they're put in crisis. And it was a crisis indeed.

You may gain the world and all its riches, but, remember, at the end of the day it's really how you relate to people that matter. Humility and caring for other people is key.

So be it.

I Give Up

2007-05-16T02:45:00.000+09:30

All has been said, and nothing has been done.

I now fully realize that only I can truly protect myself. I know I brought this upon myself. Everyone makes bad judgments once in a while. Nobody's perfect.

It's been discussed. Dissected. Analyzed. Everyone gave their own opinion. But, you know, nobody bothered to ask if I was okay. I tried saying some things, but I was just cut off because someone wanted to say his opinion. Is this what our friendship is about?

I'm tired of this. You will probably say I'm severing so many friendships. I'm not, I just need time alone. Time with people that I can surely trust.

This will tide over, soon, maybe later. Who knows?

Well, this is goodbye, for now.

Believing, Trusting & Living on Second Chances

2007-05-14T10:35:00.000+09:30

When I met this guy I held onto this quote,

"Once in a lifetime, you will find a special person who fills the void in your life and completes your soul. If you do, love that someone and never let go or you just might never get the chance again and lose that person forever."

Yea, I was foolish enough to believe in things like these. My views are simple, you see. I'm not the one who'd dream of a prince charming (though wouldn't mind it one bit if he turns out to be charming --- or a prince) but I long to be with someone who can share that same thought.

He may think I'm pushing him away wherein all I've ever felt is that I'm the only one holding on.

* * *
It's funny how we, sometimes, see things with full stops instead of with commas, semi-colons, or ellipses.

In this instance, I learned that life isn't a bunch of letters spanned over years of experience. It's how each finger finds its way to the next letter on the keyboard and thoughts that guide it.

I guess we all pay life the attention it had required only when we face the end of it. Sometimes, it's too late. But --- there are moments wherein it's at the nick of time. If you find yourself having experienced the latter, consider yourself fortunate. Know that you're still living on second chances. Now, you simply have got to learn to believe that you deserve it... and trust that everything will be alright.

Almost Goodbye

2007-05-14T01:55:00.000+09:30

I know you are angry because you are disappointed over the issue. You didn't need to drive so fast to communicate that, it was quite obvious with your gestures. (And mind you, I was really scared you'd wrap the car around a post or something).

I appreciate it actually. I felt I had a knight in shining armor, but then it would be really great if you declared a stand. What's the deal?

But, you won't see me cry when you go. Because no amount of stolen glances (yes I catch you) will be enough to communicate what you should be telling me.

By the time you come back, I hope and I know I would've forgotten you by then.

Oh well, I guess it's almost time to say goodbye.

Revelations

2007-05-09T23:56:00.000+09:30

You were so cute the other day. Acting the shocked little boy. Just goes to show you always try to see what's good in a person. But that's what really scares me because I know you'd be disappointed if you found out about it.

I didn't tell you before because I knew you'd be disappointed. I didn't know how you'd handle the whole truth. So I made a mistake. A bad judgment call and now it's being used against me. I'm not going to make any excuses for it. Shit happens and through the years I've learned to take things in stride. This is not the worst.

I'm not upset because this person is trying to ruin me. I'm upset because I saw how disappointed you were when I told you. It was exactly what I didn't want to happen.

I am not one to hide past indiscretions from someone who I think should know because I believe that you have to embrace and accept a person for what she is - past, present and future.

I guess this is the end of whatever it was that was starting to grow.

I Want Someone Like My Dad

2007-05-04T02:22:00.000+09:30

I always ask, "How come they don't make guys like my Dad anymore?"

My Dad, he knows what he wants and he knows what to do to achieve his goal. I've never seen him hesitate for anything. The one and only time I saw him panic was when my Mom was sick.

I'd want to be with somebody who's like my dad. He might be traditional, stern, strict and old-style, but he's stable, dependable and he's loved my Mom for more than 50 years already (counting the time since they got together).

And if my Dad is not a good peg, then who is?

Am I a Cold-Hearted B----?

2007-04-27T00:47:00.000+09:30

A guy friend asked me several times in the past week, "Aren't you flattered with all the attention you are getting?"

"No."

"Aren't you the least bit affected by any of them?"

"No."

"How come?"

I think my heart has become like stone. Cold. Freezing. Unbending. Not because I want to be that way, but it was brought about by all the disappointments I've been through. Believe me, I've been disappointed again and again and again. (Endless crap chronicled in my blog).

I do get affected, but I have learned to control my emotions. I keep it locked up and unless you look really closely, you wouldn't even notice there's something going on.

I was surprised with my friend's insight. "You need someone who will be patient enough to win your trust and your love." Precisely! I'm not one to play, and if you think otherwise, then bug off. I'm busy.

That's why whenever someone asks me, "Do you like him?" I don't reply. I will not entertain the thought, unless he starts showing something. Not because I don't want to. I just don't want to get disappointed again.

Is He More Than a Friend?

2007-04-23T12:53:00.000+09:30

I just woke up and my sister immediately sent me a link in Blogthings to take the quiz on "Is He More Than a Friend?". So, I did.

In this day and age, it is much easier to be friends with a guy. Ya know, the platonic type, but then as I said at an earlier post, you'd always come to a point where you'd start asking - are we more than friends?

Call it girl instinct or plain sentido common, but you'd always know when it's more than friendship already. I'm not one to over-analyze situations like my crazy sister, who sifts through SMS messages like it's research data. And I usually get in trouble because I don't analyze at all - and I end up realizing things too late and end up in deep shit and the guy gone.

But then, what if he's resisting you?

Best Friends?

2007-04-23T00:28:00.000+09:30

I just realized now that I was talking with a new guy friend ala "Sunrise, Sunset" just now. And one of the things that we talked about was, "Can a guy and a girl ever be best friends?"

I said, "Of course!"

He just raised his brow at me, obviously perplexed since he's seen firsthand that it's not true for me - well for my guy friends.

I have guy friends who consider me to be their girl best friend, that's because I do not give them hell whenever they do something stupid like break a girl's heart.

But I have to agree that it's difficult for guys and gals to be best friends. At some point either one would entertain the idea of being in love with the other person. I've been through that many times and I have guy friends who go through it the same way I do - usually ending in disaster and ruining the friendship.

I do believe though that there are friendships that are meant to be platonic, provided that both go through that "I think I'm in love" stage unscathed.

But then, there would always be the possibility and one can never take that out.

Unless he's gay.

Psychosis of Negativity

2007-04-21T19:06:00.000+09:30

Scarred. Battered. Bruised.

My senses fall numb to further attacks. The law of survival will always prevail.

My past has made me to who I am now. Negative at times but only because I know no better. I need someone to disprove all the theories I've learned from things I've seen and experienced. Otherwise, they will continue to be the basis of how I see and know things.

Have I met a man who can tell me to jump and I would without thinking twice?
Have I met a man who can tell me the exact thing he will do?
Have I met a man who has opened his life and embraced my presence in it?

Show me that I can trust you even with the simple things and I will trust you with big ones --- my heart and my future. Tell me words that I can hold on to and I would no matter how seemingly thin and brittle they may be. Make me feel that I am a big part of your dreams, hell, your muse even.

Make me sing in rapture and dance in glee. I beg you.

But if things continue to be pragmatic and contain endless streams of action plans, I can't help but see a gray and dull future.

Tell me, have I indeed lost contact with the reality of what's positive?

Love as a War Story

2007-04-21T15:26:00.000+09:30

My world's a bit quiet right now.

And I am smiling for no apparent reason.

Is it because I am beginning to believe that there are good guys after all?

They say only time heals old wounds. I was talking with a friend and he made me tell my war stories. I couldn't help but be sad coz I had to recount all those times I was shot dead by love. Isn't it everyone who claims to have been heartbroken says they feel they've died? I've been through too many deaths. That's why I've become cynical, jaded, distant and unbelieving that there are still good guys out there.

But, I am slowly learning that there are good guys. And maybe if there's someone patient enough then I would learn to trust again.

What is your worst war story?

I Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

2007-04-15T03:39:00.000+09:30

A friend of mine asked me a few days ago, "How come you don't freak out when guys disrespect you. Why do you tolerate it?"

I told him I don't, I just react differently. He looked skeptical and went on to admonish me on being too friendly and accommodating. He said I should be choosy. Another guy friend also told me to be wary.

I finally found the answer. I don't tolerate these things, I just react differently. I'm not one to panic, nor do I cry over stuff that aren't worthy crying over. If something happens and I didn't like it then I would talk to that person and I would tell him straight to his face I didn't like what happened. And then expect me to be distant.

I am friendly because that's my nature. Back in college my philosophy professor asked, "What is your belief? All men are good? Or all men are intrinsically evil?" I've always believed that all men are good, and unless proven otherwise then you're fine by me.

I choose my battles. You are lucky if I give you another chance, but if I don't and you notice I'm distant. Then I'm sorry, there's no turning back.

Why Do Exes Come Running Back?

2007-04-14T00:42:00.000+09:30

In the quest for the holy grail errr your one true love, you tend to leave a trail of exes, flings, almosts and whatever. As they say, collect and collect and then select!

But why is it everytime an ex fails in their next relationship they come running back to you? They rant, they vent, they sniffle and then expect you to console them for the loss. And one even told me, "I realized you are irreplaceable, I want you back" and then he disappears without any trace.

Amazing lah?

Losing my Sunshine

2007-04-11T14:13:00.000+09:30

How could love be so complicated?

My married friends told me that you will just know. How come I've never felt that way? Never felt at ease, comfortable and just plain trusting.

How come guys could be such jerks? Irresponsible? And they always don't seem to know what they want. How come there aren't any guys like my Dad anymore?

Will the real men please stand up?

These are just some of the things that go through my head every single day as a singleton and I'm losing my hope, losing my sunshine.

Horoscopes, Schmoroscopes

2007-04-05T07:45:00.000+09:30

Why am I re-posting a Horoscope reading?

Restless? Feeling the need to seek greener pastures? You're not alone. Ever since Jupiter entered Sagittarius, the sign of the traveler and the explorer, on November 23, 2006, we've all been itching to get away. You most likely have pals who've recently fled to some exotic locale or taken serious steps to find a more fulfilling career. If you're been deliberating your own move -- whether it's taking that trip to Mexico or getting an MBA -- it's crucial that you take notice of the next big astrological event: From April 5 to August 6, Jupiter is going retrograde into Sagittarius, the sign of the Archer.

What does this mean for you? Jupiter's movement through Sag means your own moving-and-shaking tendencies are sticking around. However, during the retrograde period, even the most seemingly insignificant of obstacles could throw a long-term monkey wrench into any plans you've made. Sounds sinister, but in actuality this is a positive -- not to mention cyclically natural -- opportunity for you to step back and ensure that your actions are in line with your goals. In addition, fiscal belt-tightening is in your best interest now, so think twice before maxing out your credit cards! Finances often improve when Jupiter turns direct, and new opportunities for advancement and growth will present themselves. That which is inaccessible today will prove unnecessary in the long run; further, the actual withholding will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Speaking of blessings, how you are faring romance-wise will certainly come into play during Jupiter's emotionally charged Sagittarian saga. But don't jump the gun in love just yet! To help you transform ripples into waves and shy away from impulsiveness during the touchy retrograde period...

(it's a marketing plug for some service that site has so I thought it best not to include it. Hehe.)

Retrograde? Does it mean I will regress a bit then go back to normal after a few, say, months? Or does it mean I will re-live a past? Egad. What kind of thoughts am I having. It's terrifying. Gah.

I just wanted to document this one that I got on my email... it somehow says something relevant on things that are significant in my life right now. As much as I don't believe in them horoscopes... this just caused me to pause and think since I do believe that nothing is ever an accident.

There's always a hand behind everything that transpires and reason, on time and relativity.

Thought bubble: I still can't believe I'm a Jupiter...

/shakes her head

Bite Me.

2007-04-02T14:50:00.000+09:30

I don't want to hear your excuses. It's not like we haven't talked about it.

It's not about what I want and your need to give me what I want, just so you can claim you tried to make me happy. Think about it. Why should I ask for it if it was freely given in the first place? You may be a good guy but, tell me, why wouldn't you want to do it without being asked?

I tried to understand. I tried to see reason behind yours. I already excused the times you even refused me an answer. However, as fate would have it, I finally get it. I can't believe it, at first --- hell, I still can't, actually --- but it's sinking in.

You don't want her to know about me.

If that's love then I'll pass. Thank you, though.

P.S. You can scream/shout at me all you want. I won't hear you. (Fancy that. That's probably why you can do that to me.)

Some things never change. Gawd!

2007-03-26T05:06:00.000+09:30

Gawd. And I mean, GAWD!

I should say I'm not surprised. He was like that before, so, I guess he didn't change that bit about himself.

Can you believe he's asking me to pay up? A 5-year old debt. Even when he said I didn't have to pay it anymore. He's singing a different tune now. Again, I say, GAWD!

Know what I said? "If you're asking me to pay, I will. I'll pay you in full." The audacity of the man is despicable. I'm astounded. After four years of silence then he's back in the picture and he starts off with financial issues! Gawd.

That certainly made me think that there's nothing to regret. Nothing at all.

Why curiosity may have just killed the cat

2007-03-25T10:05:00.000+09:30

I know I made a mistake in adding him to my instant messaging contact list. Darnit. Why did I do such a thing? I'm no masochist. A little stupid, I guess, but I am not immune to the hurt. Hell, I even think that it haunts me at times. A plague I can't seem to shake off.

/sighs

Curiosity. Schmosity. Bleh. WTF was I thinking? I know now why it may have killed the cat. Sheesh.

No matter in what angle I try to look at the situation, I'm simply being foolish. Stupid fool. Grrr.

I just might end up hurting someone dear to me. Even without meaning to. I'm real sorry.

/sighs

Quit it and just shut up now, Sash. Heh.

Recurring Past

2007-03-22T06:44:00.000+10:30

It's unsettling.

What is?

Seeing that the past is somewhat merging with the present. Seeing that he's around and not to mention, online, it feels, uh, unsettling.

I know it's over. I made sure that I moved on. Three years of my life was spent on it so I think I've earned every right to say that I have, indeed, moved on.

It's just weird that the guy I know (well, used to I guess) who's not into the whole online social networking scene and what not has found me and left traces of him.

He has this knack of showing up whenever I'm (desperately trying to) moving farther away from him --- seemingly like he refuses to get left behind.

It's unsettling.

Trouble with Time

2007-02-27T08:46:00.000+10:30

What is the point in arguing over it?

It's like an endless tug-o-war --- both excerting maximum effort --- surprisingly gives us a tension that somewhat feels so brittle and yet it's not.

Learning. It requires time. Patience, needed with time. Wisdom, grows with time.

I hope that all this fuss and whinging about time is not a waste of time.

Mum is the Word

2007-02-03T01:32:00.000+10:30

What words can best describe the suppressed disappointment?

How can you explain how your thoughts turn to the past?

How do you say you've somehow regretted?

Is it good to say you're lonely?

How can you ever tell him that inside, there's this emptiness you long to fill? Or the incessant echoes of pain?

Sometimes --- it's better not to say anything at all.

Just A Few Updates on Boxing Day

2006-12-26T04:39:00.000+10:30

He and I are on the road of sorting things out. No one went into this whole thing with a perfect plan anyway. No one promised that it'll be all smooth and breezy. Like a friend said, it's the spice that makes everything else tasteful, er, interesting. Heehee.

I'm not going to go into all the cliche that most people would say when you go through rough patches. It's soo tacky. Bleh. AND I'm not going to say that I won't go into a ranting spree again. I'm almost certain that I will. Muahahaha. If you've been around this blog long enough, you know, that is to be expected --- it would've been a disappointment if I won't. Hahaha.

Right now, he still around and claims to have no plans of going anywhere --- which is actually good. Or is it? Me and my eternal pessimism, eh? Oh, you'll get use to it. LOL.

I've been busy with work. Yes. I do work. A dayjob in a company that develops web apps on top of my online gig. Ha. But he has been keeping me entertained online and off. PLUS! He has been taking me out on dates, planned or not. He's real sweet despite my earlier rants.

I just celebrated my birthday --- er, yes --- I'm still twenty-something! Thank god. I still get to keep the tagline for the blog.

Which brings me to the reason why I'm writing this *update* Teehee. I just want to document what he did for me on my birthday. I actually wrote about it over at Dating Dames, so, feel free to read it there. It's something about a trip on a certain flyover. LOL.

That's it for now.

Happy Boxing Day, people!

Making it simple

2006-12-10T19:00:00.000+10:30

If you say you want to be with me --- be with me.

Don't say you're trying.

Just be with me.

"See you whenever"

2006-12-10T17:21:00.000+10:30

Just thinking.

There are certain things about this situation that I didn't expect. Questions fill my head and am now torn between giving in or keep fighting.

What the hell for, anyway?

I don't see it. I don't see that I'm wanted enough.

It hurts when you see that person you want to be with seems unappreciative of the efforts you give just to make that happen.

It's slowly coming to a point that I really do want to stop caring.

Something about this whole thing seems not right.

Again --- I'm just thinking.

This is getting too old for me...

2006-11-28T23:49:00.000+10:30

To think I thought I was wrong and felt a ton of guilt.

He said he's not an asshole like the rest. Well --- could've fooled me. Twas a pretty crass thing what he did.

I was teaching myself to trust and there he was making it stupendously difficult for me.

Like I said, I've always been a poor judge of character.

Break my heart, why don't you.

A good question

2006-11-26T18:13:00.000+10:30

Come to think of it --- he's right.

What's the point in being in it if you think its not going to last?

A sense of calm

2006-11-20T08:52:00.000+10:30

Slowly --- everything's settling in. It's alarming, somehow.

It's terrifying in a way cuz most of it seems... new.

This feeling of being safe with someone is so new that my cynical mind wants to reject it. It scares me to the point of wanting to push him away and bolt. I must be crazy. Most women would kill to be with someone who'd make them feel secure. And, here I am, resisting. Gah.

I often find myself wondering if I'm dreaming. I've grown accustomed to feeling empty and alone then suddenly there's this person who wants to be with me. ME.

Okay. That sounds a bit pathetic but, hey, most people, if not all, have their own set of insecurities. You have to admit, there are moments wherein you wonder about the same thing.

Is it possible that I can actually bring myself to open my heart to this guy? It seems that with each day I spend with him passes, I'm finding myself warming to the idea of letting him be part of my life more and more. It's scary.

I can't help but think that it's too good to be true. And I've heard it said that if that's the case, then it usually is. What if it's true? What if I'm only setting myself to getting my heart broken again? Am I ready to risk that?

I reckon, like most people, he deserves a fair chance. From experience, it's best to give them that much. He treats me right. He makes me happy --- and that's saying a lot. And he has a certain, unexplainable way of quieting my fears down. It's surreal.

Go on --- you can tell me that I'm just being idiotic and, not to mention, paranoid about the whole thing. Tsssch.

It's funny whenever I see myself writing sappy stuff. Yech. I guess you guys have to get use to it for a bit. Heehee.

Holding on and holding it in

2006-11-04T05:52:00.000+10:30

Can you possibly expel happiness in just one breath?

He never ceases to surprise me.

Good lord --- the ripple turned into a wave!

And it feels wonderful but it also feels like I'm afraid to exhale. Utter craziness, I tell you. It's the good kind, at least.

Ack. I feel like a kid with a crush. Dear me.

I can handle ripples

2006-11-02T02:38:00.000+10:30

Ripples, I say. Just them innocent, relaxing, unintrusive ripples.

I used to be this daredevil who'd jump right in the action. Now, I'm taking baby steps, sometimes, I'd even take a step or two back. It's quite a novelty, really. It's so unlike me!

I find myself frozen in place and would refuse to move --- for fear of what would happen next. Part of me wants to leap but memories mock me, the other wants to run away but hope prods me.

He makes me feel safe and uncertain at the same time.

So, yea. I'm sticking with the ripples. For now.

I'm probably just thinking too much.

It's official

2006-10-27T23:35:00.000+09:30

.. I'm a fool. Heh.

I guess I learned firsthand how gullible I can get. It isn't something I'd want to feel again --- to be at the mercy of some form of truth.

WTF? some form of truth? It sounds like truth can have it's own de-militarised zone or Switzerland or something. Choose a side, for chrissake!

And I also hated the fact that there are people out there who can't do it for some reason. They, however, still want to be in the thick of things and will just feed your doubts and try to manage your own business. Pah.

But, hey, on a lighter note --- I'm doing alright. I'm choosing not to let those people and the things they say get to me.

I reckon I can accept the fact that I don't "get" men at all. I just have to live with it. Sigh.

And for the past day or two, I'd often catch myself smiling and laughing a little. I'm still a little hesitant about the whole thing but I'm giving it enough space it needs.

The wall expert

2006-10-24T16:51:00.000+09:30

That's the beauty of building walls. If you've done it a lot of times, you can see how futile it can be for others to scale it.

Especially when you built it specifically for that other person.

Ah, well.

A friend had counselled that I should not put a lid on things. A little tacky, I know. But, hey, it does makes sense. Never been the extremist anyway.

I'm just dropping it. For now.

Stoic.

Arrggh!

2006-10-22T19:28:00.000+09:30

This is getting sillier and sillier by the minute. Arrggh.

Why can't I just bring myself to talk to him and get it over with? It's frustrating.

Chicken.

Unhappy

2006-10-22T05:33:00.000+09:30

So I went out with this guy.

I was utterly disappointed.

Funny that this thing happened soon after writing about getting to the second date over at Dating Dames. Gah. Judging what happened on that date, he's on the verge of becoming a non-candidate.

I guess I wasn't that special after all.

This really sucks.

I had to let these thoughts out so I can sleep. God knows I need it.

Possibilities and a question

2006-10-21T17:08:00.000+09:30

Lately, I've been sporadically thinking of the reasons why I would need someone in my life. Why do we need to have that special someone?

I've got to admit that I do have certain expectations. But I also ask myself if they're fair because I've always believed that ample opportunities sometimes lead to certain surprises. And having leveled expectations will create a more pleasant interaction.

Okay. So, I'm being pragmatic about the whole thing, is it such a bad thing?

Fine. I reckon if you give me enough space to over-analyse the situation I just might. But, on the other hand, if you're able to sweep me off my feet --- I just might ride with it.

Ah, well. I did say, might.

Lost

2006-10-14T17:35:00.000+09:30

I had wondered about how it might have felt to have my hand held. I had pictured the hug, the shared thoughts and birth of more private jokes.

It was silly to have even considered it.

I had wished I was wrong. My instinct is a trusted ally.

Unlike me --- it never is.

Questions, questions, questions

2006-10-13T21:37:00.000+09:30

If only my mind would clear long enough to allow some answers to flow out.

I'm not the type of person who couldn't provide an answer to a direct question. I can tell you what you want and need to hear at a drop of a hat. Quick-witted, they call me. But, strangely, I find myself stumped. Devoid of answers.

Who would've thought I'd find myself in this kind of predicament? Me of all people! Gah. Then again, I'm known to be a lunatic so getting into strange situations shouldn't come as a surprise, really.

If I apply the principles I've set for my life, I'm going to lose something. If I don't, I'd feel like a complete fake. I reckon this battle's lost but I'm still hoping for a way out.

I'm now feeling the repercussions of my actions. Stupid, stupid. Arrggh.

All I can think of right now is how to stay afloat or, perhaps, how to ride the wind. However, on every corner, life can present another surprise --- no matter how much I think that nothing ever will.

Men are such cruel creatures.

2006-10-02T13:36:00.000+09:30

Selfish, selfish beings.

Pah.

How can they be capable of such crass behaviour? Jerks. Insensitive humans. Ha. Humans?!

So, okay. I'm a little pissed off. This guy deserves every nasty word I'm capable of dishing out, the pompous ass. Heh.

Stay the fuck away from me, fool.

I'm shutting up now.

Thoughts by the Small Window

2006-09-28T11:06:00.000+09:30

Every morning, before I go to bed, I look out a small window. I'd listen to songs. Hell, I always listen to music and I think. Oh, I do that a lot, too.

I'd watch the cars. I'd watch the people. I'd even watch some dogs milling about. And I think.

Sometimes, I wonder if they share the same thoughts as I. And other times, I'm completely lost in my own world of endless streams of what would, could and should have beens. Translates to hope or regret, eh? A fine line separates these thoughts.

I regret. I savour. I long. But there are moments that I simply don't care.

Lovers had. Fancy scored. Dreams lost. I still find cause to hope, though. All masked by cynicism.

It's quite ridiculous, really.

I've got a secret...

2006-09-27T06:39:00.000+09:30

Teehee.

What if I decide not to tell? Gah. Real stupid, I know. Why would I be blogging about it right now if I won't? Hahahaha.

It's just a silly crush is all.

I find him cute. Ack. I've been using that word a lot lately. Hmmm. I think I said something about that a while back. Pffft. Ah, well. Going back to what I was saying... uh, where was I? Oh. I was describing him. Heehee. I find him --- talented. Really artistic. Intelligent.

Then again --- what do I know? I mean, really?

I hardly know him.

It's just a crush. No biggie. Teehee.

Can you handle the truth?

2006-09-24T12:58:00.000+09:30

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it." --- Flannery O'Connor

Sometimes, people think it to be subjective.

Or labour on bending it to fit their agenda.

Wake up, mate.

Cynicism simply isn't enough to erase its authenticity. It just shows you can't handle it. I can only suggest that you just try to learn how to be a better man. It's an immovable force, you see.

That's the beauty of truth. It's solid and firm. It's the foundation of principles. It can set you free. It won't always be pretty but, at least, it's real.

Give me kisses any day.

2006-09-23T09:05:00.000+09:30

I've been thinking about kisses lately.

I love the kind that leaves you breathless and wanting --- the kind that makes your knees buckle. Teehee. But I also love the sweet, light ones that's so comforting, it makes you want to giggle. Heeheehee.

Oh, the bittersweet sensation that comes from the memory of a first kiss. I say, bittersweet, cuz it probably means that I'm no longer with the guy. Hahaha. But the first kiss is always lovely. I admit that it can be stressful during the minutes as you anticipate it happening but as soon as it does, it's such a delight.

Who would've thought that our lips were created to bring us this much satisfaction?

Amazing. Wonderful.

How I miss it terribly.

/sighs

Every Little Thing

2006-09-22T09:07:00.000+09:30

It's one of them days when I'm lost in them songs. Lately, it's been this Dishwalla song that keeps playing in my head over and over. Perhaps it's due to the fact that it's in my current playlist aptly called autumnsky.

Every Little Thing by Dishwalla

Am I Hiding?

2006-09-18T04:40:00.000+09:30

Well --- am I?

Fine. What if I am?

[Someone's gloating right now. Pffft. Go be a shrink then, why don't you?!]

Detaching. Detaching. Detach, dammit!

I can be so stubborn sometimes. Sometimes?! OKAY. Most of the time. Tsssch.

I can be such an idiot about certain things. I really should learn how to learn from mistakes. Uh, maybe --- I'm really dumb after all.

Oh, how I love photography.

Hahaha.

Detrimental Parade of Memories

2006-09-17T09:06:00.000+09:30

Seeing..
... a red car.
... that yellow smiling face icon.
... an empty mailbox.
... a certain French dictionary.
... the Pride & Prejudice film.
... a bug.
... a Cityland condominium.
... peach roses --- a single white carnation.
... the words "San Diego, California".

Listening to a certain song of..
... Dave Matthews.
... Powderfinger.
... Switchfoot.
... Damien Rice.
... Tuck & Patty.
... James Blunt.

Sleeping has even become unpleasant.

Darnit.

Days, Hours, Minutes

2006-09-14T04:20:00.000+09:30

What is a minute compared to an hour?

Multiply it by 60.

What is an hour compared to a day?

Multiply it by 24.

In a year, there are 365 days. Or 8,760 hours. Or 525,600 minutes.

How we put so much weight on something as intangible as time is really quite laughable.

Waiting is the hardest part. All the thinking and the wishing and the hoping.

But when the waiting stops, we soon realise how insignificant it was.

A thousand sighs wasted.

On platonic relationships with guys

2006-09-06T05:50:00.000+09:30

I'm baffled.

Why is it that there are people out there who simply cannot accept the possibility that you can be "just friends" with a guy. Is the myth "men and women cannot be true friends" true?

These people will prod, phish, and pester you into *admitting* that there's romance between you and your guy friend. Pffft. Frankly, I'm getting tired of the questions, really.

Does it automatically mean romance if I enjoy some guy's company? Or is it even right to assume that I'm sleeping with him? It's bloody ridiculous!

I really don't get it.

Believing Faerie Tales

2006-08-28T02:41:00.000+09:30

Most women believe in faerie tale endings.

It's quite tragic really. You go through life believing that you are this lady that quietly lives her life and 'prince charming' will come gallantly one day to sweep you off your feet and rescue you from the gray-ness of life. You think that when he enters your life, you'll be seeing a much colourful life. The sun will shine brighter and the air will taste sweeter. And you'll think everything's... cute.

And then you grow up.

You'll finally see life for what it really is. All you can tell yourself is live it the best you can and deal.

It's either you sink --- or swim. It's entirely up to you. You now know that no one will come to 'rescue' you.

I say blame it on the romanticism presented in films and books. Writers portray love as some magical thing that can end your misery and make you believe that it will complete you. Perhaps it will and perhaps it won't. But it always comes at a price.

Here's what I think, your life is orchestrated to take away as much as it can from you. You'll be forced to think about what you now don't have, hence, you begin to long for such things. You'll spend the rest of your life searching for it since you believe that you're incomplete.

You can get lucky and find someone to complete you. Or if things don't go your way, you'd end up settling for a filler. And it doesn't end there. You now have to 'relate' --- that's a whole lot complicated than being on your own.

Why do love and relationship play an important role in our life? Is it a real need? In order to survive, all we need is food, water and shelter. Why do we concern ourselves with things apart from these 3 things anyway? Why are we built to 'need' companionship? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I just think that people should stop sugar-coating this area in life. People should start thinking that, sometimes, there's nothing poetic about it at all. There's no sonnet or song that can best define what a person goes through in search of it. It doesn't compare to the world's real problems like war, poverty and hunger. Present the facts. Stop using metaphors and hyperboles.

Just tell the friggin' story.

People should see it as it is --- a good story or a bad story. But it's still just a story with an ending --- happily ever after or not.

[No, I'm not having a bad day. Hahaha.]

Something I had to say

2006-08-26T04:58:00.000+09:30

It's over.

It's done.

I think it's best forgotten.

I just want you to know that I truly understood what you said after reading it, like, a gazillion times on the days that followed. I had to make sure I was reading it in the manner of how I know you wrote it.

I cried a little after reading it the first time. I was a bit distraught for a few minutes that's why I couldn't say anything at first. I knew I had to make a decision because you had left it up to me. I reckon I did but I can't fully say that I have, indeed, made it.

I need time to think and weigh things.

"...carry on how we were..." you suggested.

First thought that came to mind was I want to. I like knowing you. Do I still want to? I do. Just to show you that I can be a good sport about it and that I genuinely like talking to you. You said I can still do that. I can, can't I?

However, what I'm afraid of is not getting over the feeling. With the idea of continuing to talk to you, I had to ask myself, "what if you fall for him and he doesn't?" I know I will get hurt. There will come a time when you'll meet that amazing girl and I'll find out --- I'm scared that I'll get hurt all over again.

Friends. Can I really continue on being friends with someone whom I have developed affections to? Will I, the bearer of the affection, have a healthy psychological and emotional disposition? Right now, I still don't have an answer.

I'm not entirely certain of what I should do next.

Tools of survival are now alert and are screaming at me --- "RUN! PROTECT YOURSELF! Build the walls of hatred. Focus on the negative things and just be thankful that you didn't get caught in the web so late in the game. Start believing that he's no good, not deserving, not worth all the thought and emotion."

But that's a bit unfair to you, right?

Why did I put myself out there in the first place? I think part of it was because I thought you already liked me. Silly me. I had read the signals wrong. I had put more meaning to your words than I ought. You were simply flirting and teasing and you never meant to lead me on. You were just being friendly, simple as that. So, you need not apologise. It was my fault. I'm just too damn gullible --- and foolish, too. But it was certainly nice that you did, though, so, thanks.

Anyone who would have felt less may be able to jump back in and pick up where we left off but, sadly, I realised I'm not that person. As much as I want to talk to you, I know I'll be too embarrassed to initiate it because I'll be plagued with insecurities.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you don't hear from me, it's not because I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Because I do. Really. I just need time to organise my thoughts and keep my emotions in check. I don't know how long it will take. It can be a few days or weeks but, rest assured, I'll come around.

We will carry on how we were. I promise.